Regrets

I'm sure there are people who don't think I have the right to be but I'm worried about Devon. Yes, I feel solely responsible for his disappearing. How could I not? I keep thinking if I was honest with him in the beginning and told him that I was weary about being with him again after all that had happened, then maybe he would've understood that my comments weren't meant to say that he didn't have anything to stick around for. I really believe I was asking him if he had anything to stick around for. Because hearing him say that he loved me and wanted to be with me wasn't hint enough that I meant anything to him.

Like I said, I'm an idiot.

Amber, Reed and Kelly have all asked me time and time again if I knew were Devon was or if he had contacted me. I told them that I knew nothing more than they did but they didn't seem to believe me, they thought that I would be the one person he called out of everyone else.

Even his mother has been calling me everyday since he disappeared, asking me to let her know if he calls. "Tell him we miss him Janie. Let him know that we love him and want him to call us."

I didn't have the heart to tell her that I was the last person Devon would reach out to.

The morning before Devon went to visit Reed in the hospital, he made a trip to his bank and withdrew enough money from his account that would allow him to have gone all this time without using either of his credit cards or his debit card. I can't tell you how much his parents were hoping that some sort of paper trail would show up and they would be able to track him down.

They went to his place, hoping to find some clue of where he could've gone but all they found were empty drawers and his cell phone. His mother was certain something bad happened to him while his father kept suggesting that maybe he just needed some time to himself.

Knowing that this was my fault, I felt that I needed to do something - anything - to get him to either call his parents or to come home. So last night, I went over to his place and let myself in with the key that he had given me when I stayed with him - one he insisted I kept.

It seemed wrong to be in his place without him around. I walked through the darkened rooms, cursing the silence and Devon for leaving town.

As I went from one room to another, I had flashes of memories from our time together after my mother died in the fire. I couldn't help the fist that seemed to circle around my heart as I recalled how happy and content I was to share those moments with him.

In his bed room, I made my way to his bed and sat down. I was telling myself that I was trying to get some sense of what had happened the last time he was here but it wasn't true, I just wanted to feel close to him and his room was the last place he spent any real time besides the hospital when he visited Reed.

I missed him. It wasn't that hard to figure that out. It was the only explanation for why I was in his place, sitting on his bed in complete darkness, just to feel some connection to him.

In the darkness, a flashing light in the distance caught my eye. Hesitatantly, I rose from his bed and made my way out of his room and back into the living room where his laptop was sitting on a TV tray table.

When I lived with him, he had told me his password for the laptop so that I could use it when he was at work or out. As I pulled sat down on his couch and pulled the laptop onto my lap, I hoped that he hadn't changed the password. Opening the lid, I waited for the password screen to pop up and let out a sigh of relief when the word I typed in was accepted.

But I didn't know what to do with it once I was into it. I didn't have his passwords to his email or anything private like that.

"This is pointless," I sighed but I couldn't bring myself to shut down his laptop.

I sat there for the longest time, just staring at the picture on his background - me and him sitting in front of the tree we decorated for Christmas. With a shaky hand, I reached out and traced his smiling face with my finger.

"I love you," I whispered softly as I cursed myself for not being able to tell him that when he was with me.