Sunday, May 18, 2008

It's Too Late To Apologize

We were sitting on the couch together, I was trying to ignore the intense, worried look he was giving me as he held my hand in one of his and stroked my cheek as I rested my head against his shoulder.

I was surprised, when I sat down and curled up next to him, he didn't ask again what Amber wanted, he just seemed to do his best to make me feel good. And that made me feel like a bitch.

"Devon?" I tilted my head back to look at him.

He shifted, his hand left mine to slip behind my back; he pulled me closer. "Yes?"

I sighed and closed my eyes. "Amber called to tell us that Reed just opened his eyes."

Every muscle in his body seemed to go rigid. "What did you say?"

With mixed emotions, I opened my eyes again. "Reed's awake."

"I have to call Amber," he said quickly as he pulled away from me, almost knocking me off the couch in the process.

As Devon fumbled with my phone, misdialing a couple times, I rose from the couch and wandered down the hallway to my room. Closing the door softly, I leaned back against it and cursed myself for being so selfish. How much of a bitch was I if I didn't really want my best friend's man to wake up because I wasn't ready to make a decision involving Devon's place in my life?

Devon's excitement about his best friend's change drifted down the hall as I curled up on the bed. I was happy that Reed was awake but inside I was afraid that it would mean that Devon had no reason to stay here anymore and that he would realize that what he was feeling wasn't real but only the affects of thinking he had to do something that Reed couldn't do for Amber.

I know, it didn't make sense to me either.

Tears ran down my cheeks as I thought about being alone in the house once again. I knew in my heart that I didn't want to be alone, otherwise why would I be acting like that. But I wasn't sure if it was for sure that I didn't want to be without Devon. Or maybe I just didn't want to admit that I was in love with the man.

"Janie?" His voice startled me. Half turning towards the door where he stood, I glanced over my shoulder and waited. "Amber said Reed is awake. The doctor came in to check him over and it seems that he is going to be alright, he doesn't remember anything right before the accident though."

"That's great." I smiled half-heartedly. "Amber sounded so happy when I was talking to her but she hadn't talked to the doctor at that point."

"I got to talk to Reed for a second."


"Yeah," he chuckled softly. "He wanted me to tell you thank you for taking care of Alexis so Amber didn't wear herself out worrying about the both of them."

I didn't say anything as I turned back to press my face into my pillow.

"Janie?" I heard him approach my bed and felt the mattress shift under his weight as he moved to lay behind me. "Tell me what's wrong?"

I shook me head, about to tell him it was nothing when he stopped me. "I know it's something, otherwise you would be jumping off the walls at the news that Reed is awake." His hand trailed over my arm until his hand came to curl around mine on the pillow in front of me. "Come on Janie, you know you can tell me."

After taking a couple deep breathes, I turned my head until I could see Devon's outline in the moonlight. Before I could say anything, he rose to his elbow and looked down at me. "I'm happy that Reed's awake," I told him. "I've wished for nothing more in the last couple months."

"Me too," he admitted.

I nodded slowly. "I know Devon."

"I don't understand what's going on Janie. If you are happy that he's awake, why doesn't it seem that way? Why aren't you wanting to celebrate like I am?"

I started to shrugged but stopped. "I'm happy but I'm also sad." He asked me why and I told him that with Reed awake, they didn't need me to watch Alexis anymore. "I know it's wrong of me, but I was enjoying being needed like that. I just started to become confident that I could take care of her. And now she has to go back home. I'm going to miss her."

With a sigh, Devon dropped to the mattress and took me in his arms. "Baby you know she isn't going to be going home just yet -"

"What do you mean? Amber and Reed are going to want her back right away Devon, she's their little girl."

"Yeah, I know that," he kissed my shoulder. "But right now Reed is still in the hospital and Amber will stay there with him until he's released. When they go home, they might need a day or so before -"

"No," I cut him off. "Amber told me tonight that she wanted me to bring Alexis to the hospital tomorrow."

"To visit Reed because he wants to see her but not to stay."

I shook my head. "Amber told me she misses Alexis and can't wait to take her home - tomorrow."


"Yeah," I pulled away from him. "So I guess that means that tomorrow night I'll be alone for the first time since the accident."

"Why do you say that?"

"Well, with Alexis gone, you'll have no reason to stick around."

I didn't think it was possible but I think I hurt him. As soon as the words I spoke sunk in, he rolled off the bed and stomped out of my room.

His, "I guess not," has been echoing around inside my head since that night. I wish I could say that I've seen him and had a chance to take it back but I haven't. No one has. Not since he stopped into see Reed the day after he woke up.

I'm such an idiot.


Dido said...

Oooh! I wish Janie would have just seen what happened instead of saying something! Thanks for the post - that was killing me.

Anonymous said...

Talk about a "glass half empty" kind of person. Sometimes I just want to shake Janie (even though she isn't really a real person). She takes dumb to new heights. LOL.