Monday, November 26, 2007


I wish I could say that Sean and I came home to find one of my 'guys' sitting on my doorstep waiting for me to get my pretty little butt home but no, that would be too 'every girl's fantasy'. No, Sean pulled his car up in front of my house only to see my mother at her finest - screaming at our neighbours with a drink in her hand and a cigarette hanging from her lips.

"Mom!" I fumbled with the door handle in my haste to get out of Sean's car and over to my mom before the neighbours called the cops on her...again.

"Janie just wait," Sean was out of the car and opening my door before I could even respond. "Did you want me to -"

I gripped the frame of the car, pulling myself out. "Mom!" I called again as, in a moment of stupidity, I stepped down with my injured ankle. "Damn it!"

"Hey now," Sean caught me in his arms, holding me tight against his chest. "How about you let me help you Sunshine?"

"My name is Janie!" I snapped at him. "Not Sunshine!"

"Oh?" He raised a brow. "You don't like Sunshine? How do you feel about Little Spitfire?" When I rolled my eyes, he laughed. "Ah yes, that's a good name for you, Spitfire."

"Janie!" My mom came running over to us. "What happened to you?" While I was telling my mom how I fell and hurt myself, she turned to Sean. "You aren't Devon."

"No ma'am I'm not," he held out his hand to her, "I'm -"

"I know who you are," mom cut him off as she turned to me in disbelief. "I'm shocked Janie, I didn't think you had it in you."

"Didn't think I had what in me?"

"To get what you want without worrying about what others think." She stared at Sean for a moment, "It's about time someone put that snooty little brat in her place and showed her that she can't have everything." To me she continued, "I don't know how you could've been friends with that girl anyway, you are too good for her."

I frowned, my mom was prone to rambling on about nothing when she was drinking, it always confused me. "Mom I don't know what you are talking about."

Mom wasn't listening to me though, she was still rambling on, "Although being seen in broad daylight flirting with with the little tramp's boyfriend wasn't the smartest idea...unless," her eyes widen. "Are you planning on sticking it to her? Show her that she's nothing? That she doesn't deserve a rich young man like Reed?"

"Reed?" I gasped - first in confusion and then in shock as I realized that mom thought Sean was Reed. "Mom! This isn't Reed!"

"Oh sure," mom laughed. "And I'm the Queen of France!"

It took a few minutes and Sean showing her his ID before she believed that he wasn't Reed. "Well," she got all snotty. "You are still a better catch than that little tramp."

"Amber isn't a tramp mom! She's my best friend and I won't stand here and let you talk down about her." I went to stomp off towards the house, forgetting about my ankle for a moment. "Son of a..." I bit my bottom lip as the pain shot up through my leg.

Sean's arms were around me before I could fall into a heap on the ground. "Maybe you should cut out the dramatics until the ankle is better?"

I glared at him. "Shut up."

He chuckled, "What am I going to do with you Spitfire?"

"How about you leave me alone? That would be a good place to start."

"Hmmm," he shrugged. "And miss all the cute little remarks you make?" He shook his head. "Nah, where would the fun be in that?"

"Just leave me - hey!" I shrieked as he lifted me up in his arms. "Put me down!" I demanded but he ignored me.

"Bring the crutches," he said to my mom as he headed towards my house.

Sean didn't put me down until he had forced his way into my house and stood before my bed. "You should get some rest," he told me as he laid me back against the pillows he made my mom arrange for me. "You'll need your strenght when you start using those crutches - I won't always be here to help you."

He was still leaning over me as he spoke. If I wanted too, all I had to do was lift my hand and I would be able to touch him pretty much everywhere. He was too close. I didn't want anyone to be that close to me, it stopped me from thinking straight. It made me say stupid things like, "Why can't you stay?"

"There's no reason I can't," he said softly as his eyes slide from mine to rest on my lips for a moment. "Mmm," he smiled. "I could stay..." For the second time in less than ten minutes, I was biting my bottom lip but this time it was for a totally different reason as his rough fingers brushed against my cheek. "Don't do that," he groaned as his thumb attempted to coax my lip from between my teeth. "Let me do it instead."

A groan from deep inside me escaped as my eyes closed. "I'm not stopping you." I could feel his breath against my cheek, I waited for his lips to connect with mine but it never happened. He pulled away and the cold air surrounded me. "Sean?" I opened my eyes to see him retreat to the door. "What's wrong?"

He didn't stop to answer me, he just walked through my doorway, "Take care of yourself," he threw over his shoulder before he disappeared.

I've heard from everyone except for Sean since that day, they all wanted to know how I was doing. Even Devon dropped by with flowers but I was sleeping so he just told mom to give them to me.

I don't know what he's doing. I don't know why I care. I wish I didn't, it shouldn't matter to me but it does.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Strange Day

I thought the moment Sean got me into the emergency room, he would make any excuse to disappear. "Thanks for bringing me here," I said as I filled out the paperwork required to see the doctor on duty that evening. "When I'm through, I'll call my mom, she should be able to come and get me." I was lying though, I didn't know if my mom would even be sober if I were to call her but I felt bad that Sean was here when he didn't really have to be - it wasn't his fault that his co-workers whistled at me and I fell like a moron. "You don't have to stick around."

"Mmhmm," was all he said as I handed the clipboard back to the lady behind the desk.

"Take a seat and the doctor will be with you as soon as possible," she smiled at me and pointed to the rows of chairs to my left.

After helping me to the chairs, Sean stretched out in the chair next to me. "You don't have to stay," I told him. "I'll be fine."

"I'm not going anywhere," he picked up a magazine and started to flip through it. "So save your breath Sunshine."

"Sunshine?" I laughed. "Do I look all bright and cheery to you?"

He lowered the magazine and gave me a once over. "Behind that mask you wear, yes."

"What mask?" I asked but he returned to the magazine, pretending to be wrapped up in it until the nurse came out for me.

As it turned out, I did manage to sprain my ankle. The doctor wrapped it, told me to get some crutches and keep off it.

"Where to now?" Sean asked once we were back in his car. "Are you hungry? I'm starving. Let's go grab a bite to eat down on St Micheal's street."

"No, I just -"

"I hear that the food at the Ember Cafe is really good, let's go there."

Without listening to my protests, Sean turned his car in the direction of St Micheal's and the Ember Cafe. It didn't matter that I wasn't in the mood to go anywhere in public while I attempted to hobble around on the crutches. It didn't matter that I really just wanted to go lie down because my head was starting to hurt. Sean wanted to go eat, so I was stuck going along with him.

"So tell me what happened with Devon." He had just come back from the bathroom where he attempted to clean up a little. He took a sip of his pop and raised a brow. "Did you break up with him? Or the other way around?"

"That's none of your business!" I snapped at him. "I don't want to be here, I'm going to call a cab and -"

"Good Evening, my name is Tracy, I'll be your waitress this evening." A tall blonde, over made up skanky whore hovered next to Sean's arm. "Are you ready to order or did you need a couple more minutes?" She asked Sean, completely ignoring me.

"I'm ready," he smiled at her and proceeded to tell her that he wanted a Philly Cheese steak with fries and gravy. When he was finished he turned to me. "What were you having?"

I rolled my eyes at him before giving the menu one quick glance. "I'll have the Hawaiian burger," I told her as I closed the menu, hoping she would disappear and never come back.

But she did come back, repeatedly. It was difficult to have a conversation with Sean with her always interrupting us to tell some story about people that we didn't even know or care about. Not that I wanted to have a conversation with Sean, well at least not about the subject he wanted to know about - Devon.

"Come on, why don't you want to talk about it?" He asked me when I told him to stop asking or I would kick him in the shin. "I think talking about it will help you get over him."

"I don't need your help to move on Sean, I'm quite capable of doing that on my own. Now," I dropped my napkin onto my empty plate. "Will you please take me home? My head is killing me."

He looked like he was going to protest but he didn't. "Why didn't you tell me you were in pain? Maybe I should take you back to the doctor, they could've missed something."

"No," I grabbed his hand as he started to get up. "I'm fine, I just have a headache, it's not a big deal. I'll go home, go to bed and I'll be good as new tomorrow morning."

He didn't look convinced but he agreed to take me home anyway.

I thought that the night would end and I would finally get a moment to think about everything that happened but when we got to my place there was a surprise waiting for me.

Monday, November 19, 2007


It seems that the world is getting even with me for breaking up with Devon the way I did. Now I don't normally believe in karma but after this past week, I'm looking over my shoulder.

Last Tuesday my friend Mia called me to tell me that she wouldn't be able to go because 'something' came up. Since Mia was the one driving and we were going to be staying at her parents cabin in the mountains, that cancelled our trip. I was so upset, I was looking forward to this trip to take my mind of my problems. I wanted to leave the memory of Devon high above the snow covered mountain while I cuddled up with some hot rebound guy for a couple days.

On Wednesday I slept in, arrived at work an hour later and got reamed out by my boss for a half hour about the dedication he expects from his staff and if I wasn't as dedicated as I could be, then I should really look for another job. I almost lost it because up until that day, I was never later, never called in sick.

Thursday was alright, I thought that I was over the bad karma vibe but Friday evening when I was walking downtown to grab something for supper, it changed again.

There had been a fire a couple months ago that ripped through three businesses, it was horrible but no one was hurt. I was walking by the chain linked fence that the construction company hired to rebuild on the site erected when they started the clean up a month ago when I heard wolf whistles and catcalls. I turned to see where it was coming from - a group of construction workers were standing together behind the fence, looking like they were getting ready to go home for the day - when I lost my footing and fell down. Hard. My left foot ended up under me and it hurt so much. I cried.

The only good thing about the whole falling thing? I didn't have to wait too long for someone to come by to help me up - a couple of the construction guys came running over. But I didn't want his help, I wanted to get up and walk away with my head held high.

"Leave me alone, I can do it myself!" I snapped at them and slapped hands away from me. I struggled for a couple minutes, trying to stand but my ankle hurt and my shoes slipped on the sidewalk.

A pair of hands roughly grabbed me around the waist. "For the love of God Janie! Just let me help you!"

The voice made me freeze for a moment before my eyes slowly travelled up the body of the man who held me. "Sean!" I gasped when my eyes met his. "What are you doing here?" But as I asked I clued in that the orange vest he was wearing wasn't a fashion error but a safety choice.

"I work over there," he nodded to the fenced area. "Put your hands on my shoulders," he ordered as he slipped his arms around my waist and pulled me to my feet. "There," he smiled when I was standing with his help. "You should be ok now," he let go of me.

My eyes widened in pain as my weight pressed down on my injured ankle. I grabbed for him as I felt myself start to fall again.

"Whoa!" He caught me, damn near crushing me against his chest in the process. "You hurt yourself."

"No," I lied. "I'm fine. Really." I went to move back from him to show him but it was pointless, my ankle was useless. "Ok," I admitted defeat. "My ankle is killing me, maybe I sprained it?"


"I should call someone to come get me," I reached for my purse but it wasn't on my arm. "Where...?" It was on the ground where I fell.

"Yeah," he told me. "You should go to the hospital."

"I'll call Amber, she'll -"

"Amber and Reed have plans tonight," he informed me. "What about Devon? He works near here, doesn't he?"

"I don't think he would come running to my rescue."

"Sure he would."

"No," I shook my head. "Not now. We broke up a couple days ago."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that." Funny, he didn't look too sorry. Maybe it was the angle that I was staring at him from but he seemed happy about that news.

"Don't worry though, I'm sure I'll get someone to come for me. If you can help me over to that bus stop, I'll make a call and you can go back to work."

Sean glanced at the bus stop for a moment. "No," he said finally and in one swift motion he scooped me up in his arms. "I'll take you to the doctor."

Monday, November 12, 2007

Curtain Call

"You are doing it again," Devon's frustration was quickly turning into anger. "What's going on inside that head of yours Janie? You haven't said a word all night?"

"Sorry," I muttered.

"Don't be sorry," he said. "Just tell me what's going on?" He watched me poke at my food for a couple minutes. "If you aren't satisfied with your meal, we can return it and get a new one."

"It's fine Devon," I sighed, poking the mashed potatoes with my fork one more time. "I'm just not very hungry." I could feel his eyes on me, I really didn't want to talk about what was going on, I still wasn't sure what to do about it. Dropping my fork onto my plate, I looked up at him. "Can we just leave? I'm not in the mood to be out tonight."

He hesitated.

"I just want to go home," I repeated. "I'm very tired." Truth of the matter was, I haven't slept that much since I cheated on Devon with Cary. I couldn't sleep, every time I closed my eyes I pictured the smile on Cary's face as he gazed down at me that morning - he looked like he won the lottery. It was that smile that made me pick up the phone numerous times to see what he was doing but I always chickened out in the end. I didn't think I had the right to see him when everything was such a mess in my life.

"Janie!" Devon was giving me a dirty look.

Shaking my head, I tried to figure out what he was upset with. "What?" I looked around, nothing was happening around us.

"Nothing," he snapped as he caught the attention of our waiter. "Let's get out of here."

I wandered out of the restaurant as Devon settled our bill. It was a cold night but I didn't feel the wind through my clothes, I was too preoccupied by my own indecision. I hated it. It wasn't me, I've never been this way before. Growing up, I was always one to make a decision and stick to it, no second guessing, not 'what ifs' or 'buts' or anything. I made up my mind and that was how it was going to be.

But for some reason, this whole thing with Devon has thrown me off balance. I wanted to love him, to be with him but there was something inside me that was telling me it wasn't going to happen. That we wouldn't really be happy together. When I asked that part of me why we wouldn't be happy, I would close my eyes and see Cary's face.

"Let's go," Devon grabbed my arm as he came up along side me, pulling me towards the parking lot where his car was waiting for us.

The drive home was very tense, I could feel him watching me as I stared out the window but he never said anything and neither did I.

"I'll see you later," I jumped out the moment he stopped the car. I wanted to bolt, I didn't want him to come in but he was faster than I thought he would be. He stopped me half way up the walk.

"Janie you have been acting strange all night, tell me what's going on."

"Nothing," I lied. "I just need to be alone right now."


I didn't answer him.

"Come on Janie, tell me why!"

"I don't love you!" I blurted out before I could stop myself.

He stumbled backwards as if I struck him. "Wh - " he shook his head, a small smile on his lips, like he thought I was kidding with him. "What are you talking about?"

"I didn't want to tell you like this," I tried to explain which only seemed to confuse him more. "I thought that I was just going through a weird period - not wanting to see you or talk to you but..." I sighed. "I don't feel like I thought I would Devon, I don't pine for you. I don't miss you when you aren't around. I look for things to do so I don't have to see you."

He stared at me for a while, his jaw twitching under the pressure of this clenched teeth.

"Devon, I'm sorry. I wish I felt differently." I went to reach out to him but he grabbed my wrist, shoving my hand away.

"Don't even think about it," he snarled. "I don't need your pity or your excuses." He spun around and walked away. "Have a nice life you heartless bitch."

I wish I could say that I wanted to go after him but I didn't, I was relieved that he was leaving. The fact that he called me a heartless bitch didn't even faze me.

For that's exactly what I am.

It's been three days since that happened and I still don't feel the least bit sorry, Devon and I were over a long time ago, just neither one of us would really admit it. We tried many times to be a couple but this last time was it.

I have other things to keep me occupied, the biggest event being the trip to the mountains that I have planned for this weekend coming with a group of girls I went to school with.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

No End To The Confusion I Feel

I was talking to Amber last night, I called her before I drove myself crazy. I needed someone to tell me that I was being silly, that things are fine between Devon and me, that it was normal to have moments when you just don't want to be with the guy you were with.

Apparently it's not normal at all.

"Are you talking about just having some time by yourself?" She asked me when I couldn't explain what I meant. "Sure, I like to spend some time doing some thing just for me without Reed or Alexis. But after a while, I just want to go home to be with him or call him to hear his voice."

"You haven't ever gotten there and thought that you would be happy on your own?" I asked hopefully.

"Oh my God! No Janie! I know what life is like without Reed, I don't want any part of that anymore!" She paused before asking what was going on with me. "I thought Devon was being the guy you wanted him to be? Didn't you say he was being more considerate and romantic?"

"Yeah," I sighed.

"Then what's wrong? Why are you asking me if it's normal to not want to see him?"

I shrugged, "I just don't always want to see him."

"Well, like I said some times you do need space to -"

"I'm not talking space Amber! I mean there are times when he calls that I pretend I'm not home or busying doing something so I don't have to talk to him. I've cancelled out of a couple dates just to sit at home and stare at the wall and..."

"And what?" She asked cautiously.

"I did something I shouldn't have," I admitted after a couple minutes of silence. I closed my eyes in preparation for the screaming that would come after I told her, "I went out with Cary last night and woke up with him this morning."

Amber reacted worse than I thought she would, I actually had to hold the phone away from my ear, she was yelling that loudly. She didn't like what I did at all, she didn't think I should be seeing Cary at all after what I did to him with Devon, she thought it was twisted that I would cheat on Devon with Cary when Devon was trying to be everything I wanted him to be.

"What the hell is wrong with you Janie?" She asked finally. "Who are you? The Janie I grew up with would never have done this to her boyfriend."

"Maybe I'm not the same person," I sniffed - yes I'm a baby, I cried when she started to yell at me. "I look at you and Reed, I see how in love you are with him and I really try to be that way with Devon but I just can't. I thought I could if he changed but Amber it hasn't changed, I just can't see forever with him."

Amber groaned, if she was in front of me, I would probably see her lower her head to her hands and pull on her hair as she did that - she always did that. "I'm sorry," I blurted out.

"Why?" She asked. "What are you sorry for Janie? Sleeping with Devon? Sleeping with Cary? Not knowing what the hell you want? What?"

"I'm sorry you are disappointed that I don't see myself with Devon like we both talked about before. I'm sorry that I can't pretend that I'm happy with him. And I'm really sorry if this affects our friendship, I don't want to lose you as a friend over this Amber."

She was quiet for the longest time, I thought she hung up. "Are you there?"

"Yes," she sighed.

"Are you mad?"

"How can I be?" She asked me. "I can't change the fact that you don't feel the way I thought you did about Devon."

"I'm sorry," I repeated.

"Janie, don't. I want you to really think about this before you do anything rash. If you really don't want to be with Devon, you need to tell him before it's too late. If you are just scared because of what happened with your parents, you need to let him know that and figure out what to do about it. If you just want some time, he needs to know. Whatever it is that you decide to do, you need to talk to him."

Talk to him. That's what I'm dreading the most. How can I tell him that who he is right now, isn't who I want to be with after he did this 'change' for me? How do I explain that who he was before wasn't who I wanted to be with either? How do I tell him that I can't think of any reason why I would love him when ever since I met him, I told him I did?

How the hell could I have been so wrong?

Sunday, November 4, 2007

Posted In A Hurry

It seems like forever ago since Devon's attitude towards me changed for the better. He compliments me, he takes me out for romantic evenings - well at least that's what he's trying to do, he isn't really that confident with aspect yet, he makes mistakes and he gets frustrated when things don't go the way he wanted them too but I enjoy every second of it and I tell him that - but the most important thing is, he makes me feel like I matter to him.

He's doing everything I want doesn't feel right.

I don't know what's wrong. I thought that once he showed me he cared that everything would be ok, we would live happily ever after like Amber and Reed. But Devon is doing everything I wanted him to do and I still feel like something is missing. Am I crazy?

I have to be crazy, there's no other reason for it.

I want to write more but I don't know how to explain what's going on or why I think this way since Amber's halloween party for the kids.

Speaking of the Halloween party, I was surprised to see Chris and Kelly there, I didn't think Reed would've been ok with Chris around Amber but apparently he was the one who invited them. Chris was dressed as a priest and kept telling me to come to confessional some time! He looked hot in all black with the the cross hanging around his neck.

Amber, Reed and Alexis were all adorable in their costumes. I laughed so hard when I saw them, even though Amber told me about it. It was so cute and Alexis' walking around 'baa'ing cracked me up.

Sean showed up dressed as Tarzan. When Reed jokingly asked where his Jane was, he laughed and told him the only Jane there was me and I was with Devon.

Devon was the only one there not dressed in a costume. Devon didn't want to dress up, which really sucked because I wanted him to be a pirate and I would be his wench. He flat out denied me, no discussion or anything. So I went dressed as cat, in a really cool outfit with a bell around my neck for a collar.

For the most part the party was fun...the kids enjoyed themselves a lot and by the looks of it when I left the party, Amber and Reed were on their way to making another little sheep. At least I believe that's what the heated looks they kept giving each other was for!