Thursday, February 21, 2008


I have decided to suspend this blog for the remainder of this month. During this time I will be making the decision of whether or not I can really continue it, or if it's time to stick a fork in it and call it done. I will be doing the same with Tanner's blog as well because, as you all know, I've been slacking with these blogs because I've been having issues 'feeling' them. By March 1st I'll let you all know what I've decided to do.

Thank you for all your support since this blog began.


Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Surprising Information

This weekend I spent a lot of time over at Amber's, she had called me up to go through bridal magazines with her. "I think Reed is tired of hearing about the wedding details," she chuckled as she pushed an open magazine across the table towards me. "He tells me I talk about it in my sleep."

I glanced towards the living room where Reed was playing dolls with Alexis on the floor. "I'm sure he just can't wait for the day to come," I looked at her. "Has he tried to convince you to move it up from September?"

She nodded slowly, "I think I'll give in though and get married sooner."

"What?" I stared at her in disbelief. "You've been talking about a September wedding as long as I've known you. Why would you want to move it up?"

"Well," she turned to watch Reed and Alexis for a second before returning to me. "I don't want to be as big as a house in my wedding photos."

I frowned, "As big as a..." my eyes widened. "You're pregnant?"

"Yes!" She squealed in excitement. "I took a test this morning, it was positive. Reed wants to wait until I see a doctor before telling our parents but..."

"This is awesome!" I exclaimed as I gave her the biggest hug.

"I know," she hugged me back. "I'm so happy right now."

"I bet you are," I couldn't help grinning like an idiot, her happiness was infectious. "I bet Reed is too." We both turned towards the living room, Reed was now watching the two of us with an amused look on his face.

"He didn't believe me when I told him," she told me. "He demanded to see the test so I brought him into the bathroom and showed him. He stood there for the longest time, staring down at the test, I thought he was upset because he didn't say anything to me. Finally, he turned towards me and pulled me into his arms. His voice broke as he told me how much he loved me and how happy I make him."

"He cried?" I thought that was the most amazing thing ever.

"Yes," she nodded. "He had missed out on being there for Alexis, the idea of being here for our second baby got to him."

I could understand how it would be an emotional moment for both of them, they worked so hard to be where they are today and their upcoming wedding and arrival of their second baby was very much deserved. "I'm so happy for you," I told her. "And a little jealous."

Amber laughed, "Janie you can be as happy as Reed and I are, all you have to do is figure out what it is that would make you happy."

Since the day at the restaurant, I've been spending a lot of time thinking about where I am in my life and where I want to be. I know I'm still very young and I don't have to have my life planned out completely right now but I feel that if I don't start getting serious about what I want, I'll end up with nothing.

"I know," I slumped back down into my chair. "I've been thinking about a lot of stuff since the fire."

"Like what?"

"That life's too short, for starters." Amber agreed with me and then asked me what else I was thinking about. "I've been thinking that I don't want to end up like my parents, pretending that I care about someone when I don't. I don't want to end up alone and miserable like my mom did. I don't want to be the one who causes someone else to go off the deep end either."

"Just because your parents are like that Janie, it doesn't mean that you will be."

"I'm not so sure," I told her. "I've already made a mess of the relationships I've been in."

"No," she shook her head. "You haven't Janie."

"No?" I laughed. "What about Cary? I told him I would marry him when I didn't love him and I ended up hurting him when I slept with Devon. And Devon!" I shook my head helplessly. "I can't get that man out of my head at all and we've been nothing but toxic to each other for so long."

"I thought things have been different lately," Amber stated. "I thought Devon was being supportive and caring like you needed him to be."

"He is, I've told him that too." When she gave me a questioning look, I told her about the day Sean came by the office and we ran into Devon at lunch. "Devon was amazing that day, I thought he would freak because Sean has been ribbing him every chance he gets but he was so cool."

"Janie," Amber glanced away from me, sighed and then looked back. "I have to admit that I don't like whatever it is that is going on with you and Sean. Not only does it have the chance to hurt you, this relationship can hurt many people I care about, especially Reed. Now," she held up her hands as I started to protest. "I'm not saying that you can't see Sean, that's totally up to you. I just want you to know that I love you and I'm behind you, but I'm scared because both guys are so close to Reed."

My first thought was to tell her that this wasn't about her or her precious Reed but I didn't because I knew what she meant. No matter what, they would be affected if I got involved with Sean.

I started to laugh and Amber got all upset. "It's not funny Janie! You know how close Reed and Devon are, they are like brothers! And Sean, well, he is Reed's brother."

I held up my hands in mock surrender. "Amber!" I choked out as I tried to control my laughter. "You have nothing to worry about."

"I don't?" She didn't look convinced. "I think I do if you are going out for lunch with Sean during the day and having dinner with Devon at night."

"No you don't," I insisted.

"Why don't I?"

"Don't be stupid Amber, it's not who you are."

"Janie," she glared at me. "I'm not being stupid, I don't know what you mean."

"I'm not going out with Sean," I informed her. "I'll never be going out with Sean, I don't care for him that way at all. As far as I'm concerned, he's just Reed's brother and your soon to be brother in law but nothing - and I mean nothing at all - to me."

I thought Amber would be happy about that but she looked horrified as she looked over my shoulder. I had a sinking feeling I knew what I would see before I even turned around but that didn't stop me from looking behind me to see Sean frozen in spot just outside the kitchen.

Sunday, February 3, 2008


"Janie? Baby are you there?" Devon's concerned voice came over the phone.

"Yeah," I shook my head in confusion, "I'm here."

"Oh, for a moment there, I thought you hung up or something. You didn't answer my question," he informed me.

"What?" I frowned, I was pretty damn sure I was the last one to say something and he had yet to say something about it.

"I asked you how you could be sure I wasn't the same man," he paused and then told me that I went silent.

What? I told you I loved you! I found myself thinking. "I replied," I told him curtly.

"No Janie, you didn't, that's why I asked if you were still there."

"But I just..." Did I?

"You just what Janie?" He was starting to sound a little impatient. "Are you going to answer my question?"

"I..." Now that I realized that whole telling him I loved him was all in my head, I felt a little weird about saying it like this. I didn't want him to misunderstand what I meant or think that I just said it to make him believe that he's changed. So I copped out and told him something else. "I think I should know, more than anyone else, whether you have changed or not Devon. I'm telling you, you aren't the same man you used to be and, to be honest, I'm very happy about that."

It sounded lame and I hated that I chickened out.

"Uh oh," he chuckled softly. "Heads up, Sean just left the table; I think he's coming for you."

I hung up from talking to Devon just as there was a knock on the bathroom door. "Janie?" Sean called out to me as he inched the door open. "Are you ok? You've been gone for a while and I...well, I'm hoping you are in there and didn't run out on me." He gave a nervous chuckle and asked, once again, if I was there.

For a moment, I thought about not saying anything to make him think that I did run out. That moment passed and I went over to the door. "I'm here," I peeked through the opening he made. "What are you doing lurking outside the lady's room?"

He smiled, "Just waiting for the prettiest lady I know to come out and finish her lunch."

I rolled my eyes, "Don't get cute with me Sean; I'm still mad at you."

"Janie, I'm sorry. I didn't mean..." He trailed off as an older lady come up wanting in to the bathroom. "Can we talk about this back at our table?" He moved aside for the woman to pass but his eyes remained on me. "Please Janie."

We made our way back to the table, I promised to sit and listen to what he had to say but I didn't think it mattered, I didn't believe there was a thing he could say to make me even the least bit interested in talking to him beyond lunch.

He started talking - just telling me things about himself - his earliest memories, his childhood friends, how he felt about his parents divorce and how he knew he didn't fit in with his family. "I just thought that every one felt that way but when I found out I was adopted, it all made sense." He sighed, "Some times I wish I didn't know that I was adopted, maybe life wouldn't have seemed like it was all a lie."

"Finding out you were adopted doesn't make the life you led a lie Sean."

"How do you know?" He asked, "You don't know what it's -"

"Actually," I reached across the table and touched his hand. I don't know why I did it, I'm still wondering. I think, maybe, it was to convey that I did know how he felt. "I was adopted," I told him. "I don't know who my real parents are and, as you know, I lost the only mom I had."

"Oh," he looked at me, his surprised expression quickly faded into a grimace. "That's why you flipped on me Christmas Day, wasn't it? There I was bitching about not feeling like I belonged and missing my adoptive family when you..."

"Don't have anyone?" I finished for him.

"Well," he leaned in as he took my hand in his. "You have so many people who care about you Janie." He paused for a beat, "Including me."



I pulled my hand out of his and leaned back in my chair, "Don't make fun of me."

"I wouldn't dream of it," he leaned back and crossed his arms.

"You are doing it again!"

"Janie!" He groaned, "Would you stop it? I'm not making fun of you."

"Yes you are!" I insisted. "You are doing it right now and you do it every time you call me 'Spitfire'."

"No," he shook his head. "That's not me making fun of you, that's you making me nervous."

"Yeah, right," I scoffed. "Why would you possibly be nervous around me Sean?"

"Oh I don't know," he glanced away and then turned back to stare at me. "I wish I knew why I can't get you out of my head. I wish I could forget about you because, let's face it, you are way too young for me but..." he bit his lip as he shook his head. "I still kick myself for not kissing you when I had the chance."