Fine And Dandy - I Won't Let Sorrow Bring Me Down

I'm laying in Devon's living room, on his couch, with his laptop on my lap. The only sounds I hear come from his big bulky stereo headphones that I've plugged into the laptop so I could hear music instead of listening to my thoughts anymore. It helps a little.

Or it did until I came across the Christmas music he has on here. Now, I'm trying really hard not to fall to pieces again as the memories of Christmas past haunt me.

Christmas to me was always the best time of year, it always seemed so magical. It seemed that no matter what was going on around me, the spirit of Christmas was strong enough to push the bad stuff away for a while.

Growing up my parents fought all the time, so much so that I thought it was normal for parents to argue. They tried to keep it from me but sound travelled so easily in the early morning hours. But that didn't seem to matter around Christmas time, that seemed to be the only time my parents were happy together.

Looking back on it now, I know that they were just pretending. The happiness they displayed during this time of year was only a mask they wore so the rest of the world wouldn't know that they thought they were trapped in a relationship with someone one they didn't love.

Well, that was my dad's reasoning I guess. He's the one who left while mom was left to sink into the depths of depression. Do I blame him for what happened to my mom after he left? You're damn right I do! My mom was head over heels for him, she married him despite the disapproval of her family because she was sure that he was the man for her.

Yeah, for her and every other woman who climbed into his bed.

My dad was never faithful and my mom knew that. Once I asked her how on earth she could live with knowing her husband was out screwing anything that walked and she replied, "He's not a bad man Janie, he may have mistresses but it's me he comes home to every night." I asked her how that could possibly be a healthy relationship and she become upset. "I love him Janie," she told me. "You wouldn't understand because you've never been in love but when you do, you'll find out that you'll do anything to keep the man you love."

"I don't think so," I told her then. "I'll never let a man use me like he's using you. It's not love mom, there's no way it could be."

Little did I know that not even three years after I had that conversation with my mom, I would find myself in pretty much the same position with Devon. And like my mom, I stupidly believed that it was ok. That it was alright that he cheated all the time because I was 'his girl'. It wasn't until I saw Reed hurting over Amber's leaving that I realized what my parents had and what I had with Devon wasn't a real relationship. That's when I swore to myself that I would find a man who loved me like Reed loved Amber.

I'm embarrassed to admit this but for a while I thought that in order to have that love, I would have to have Reed. No, I didn't make a play for my best friend's man but I thought about it. It wouldn't have worked Reed was too heartbroken over Amber to even notice anyone else. And when he did start to pull himself out from the bottle he drowned himself in, all his focus was on finding her and convincing her to give him another chance.

I thank God everyday that I was smart enough to realize that having Reed wouldn't mean I would have the love he felt for Amber before I did something stupid.

Which brings me to Cary. He's sweet and kind. He's funny and smart but that's it. I knew from the beginning he wasn't for me but actually having a man want my opinion and want to spend his spare time with me was new and I convinced myself it was love. That's why I agreed to marry him so quickly.

But then Devon had to go and 'change'. He had to go tell everyone who would listen how much he 'loved' me and it made me hopeful. I resisted him for a while but I knew it would only be a matter of time before he talked his way back into my bed.

And boy, did he ever talk his way back into my bed! I actually believed that we were given a second chance but soon the dream like state washed away and I realized that it still wasn't everything it should've been. Part of it was me holding back from him because I didn't want to end up like my mom did when my dad finally left her. I didn't want to be like her and there were too many similarities between my dad and Devon. The other part of it was that I was comparing our relationship with Amber and Reed's and, sadly, it came up seriously lacking.

Maybe I have to stop comparing my relationships with those of the people around me. Maybe I have to stop looking for reasons to leave.

I mean, if you would've told me a couple months ago that there would come a time when I would spend almost two weeks with Devon and he wouldn't once try to get into my pants or make a move on me, I would've laughed in your face. But that's the way it's been since the fire, I've been here every single day and he hasn't made a move even though his eyes and body tell me that he wants me.

He's been really good to me since it happened. He helped me plan the funeral, he stood beside me at the cemetery. He's held me when I need a hug. He's been everything I need him to be. I have a feeling if it weren't for him, I would've given in to the depression that's lurking in the shadows.

I want to do something for him. Something to show him how grateful I am that he's been so good to me but I don't know what. I'm open to suggestions...