Out Of Nothing At All

I was laying in the living room last night, flipping through one of Devon's architecture magazines, checking out different styles of homes I wished I had the money to build on my mother's land when I heard his keys in the lock. I sat up, a little nervous about seeing him, I had been going over what I was going to say to him all day.

You can do this, I took a deep breath as the knob turned and the front door opened slowly.

"Jan-ie," he called out in a sing songy voice as he poked his head through the opening. "Hey sexy lady," he grinned when he saw me sitting on the couch.

He was acting strange and that made me forget all about what I had been worrying over for the last couple days. "What are you doing Devon?"

"Oh nothing," he pushed the door open and whistled as he wandered in the door and crossed over to where I was sitting. "How was your day sweetheart?" He fingered the magazines that were scattered on the cushions between us. "Do a little light reading?"

"Uh huh," I smiled. "I was doing a little 'I wish' browsing."

"You know," he picked up the magazine I was reading when he came home. "I can do anything in these magazines."

I smiled, "Yes I know and you are very good at it too."

His face lit up, "Thank you Janie, I didn't even know you noticed my work before."

"Are you kidding me?" I jumped up excitedly. "I read all the articles about you and your designs, and I drove by most of the sites..." I trailed off when I realized just how stalkerish I sounded but it was true, I followed Devon's career very closely, I used to think I needed to know everything he was doing in order to be with him.

"I didn't know that," he told me in all seriousness. "I thought you were bored by what I do."

"No!" I exclaimed as I grabbed his arm. "I'm in awe of what you do, I can't believe some of the designs you do. I mean, Reed and Amber's home? That's beautiful Devon."

"You saw the folder of pictures that Reed had on that house. It had to be everything Amber wanted, she designed her own house."

"No way," I laughed. "It may have been Amber's ideas but you, you made them work and now they have a beautiful home to enjoy."

He shrugged, "It's what I do Janie."

"You are so talented Devon, why do you make it seem like it's not a big deal?"

"I also design boring office buildings too Janie."

"Yes but even then they seem to stand out some how."

He chuckled, "Be careful Sweetheart, I believe there are stars in your eyes."

"Whatever," I rolled my eyes. "Why can't I compliment you without you making it a joke?"

"Janie come on, I said 'thank you' already. I'm a guy, we don't handle all that mushy complimenting well."

"No?" I raised a brow. "Then how come you basked in the glory of my after sex compliments?"

"In the euphoria I feel after sex, you could've told me I was the worst lover in the world and I would've laid there with the same stupid grin on my face," he glanced at me. "I would've known you were lying, but I still would've laid there like a moron."

"Whatever," I grabbed the magazine from him. We sat there for a while in complete silence. I was ok with that but I guess he wasn't, he poked me in the ribs. I gave him a dirty look, "What was that for?"

"I was thinking about something today at work."

"Oh damn," I sighed. "It's going to storm now, isn't it?"

"Ha ha," he whacked my leg with a magazine.

"Hey!" I pulled the magazine from him and asked what he was thinking.

"Well, it's December 21," he paused as if he was waiting for me to say something but I just gave him a questioning look. He sighed, "I know the past couple weeks haven't been easy for you and maybe you just don't feel like it but I was wondering if you wanted, and you don't have too, but if you do we could, I wouldn't have a problem with it at all..."

I held up my hand to stop his rambling. "Devon what are you trying to say?"

"See the thing is, I know how much you love this time of year..." I turned away from him and he sighed. "Janie I know it's tough because you miss your mom, and I know I'm not a great substitution for her at all but I was thinking, if you wanted, we could go out tonight and pick up a tree and decorations and..." he reached out a hand and touched my shoulder, I turned to him with tears in my eyes. "Oh Sweetheart," he groaned. "I just wanted you to be happy, we don't have to go if you don't want too, in fact, I'll cancel Christmas this year!"

"You can't do that," I chuckled as I wiped away my tears. "There will be a lot of unhappy children if you do that."

"Oh I don't care," he moved down the couch towards me, pulling me into his arms. "I just want you to be happy."

"Devon..." I was at a lost for words, I didn't know what to do, so I hugged him and nodded.

"Is that a 'yes'?" He asked hopefully.

"Yes," I laughed. "I can't have you cancelling Christmas just because of me."

A half hour later, Devon and I strolled through the crowds of holiday shoppers, making our way towards the stores Christmas displays and I felt like I was 5 years old and it was Christmas morning all over again.

Until I stood in front of the seven foot tree I was falling in love with and I realized that I couldn't afford the stand it would sit in. "I can't do this," I walked away and instead of arguing with me, he just followed me, not saying a word until we were standing outside his car in the frosty evening air. Then all he said was, "I'm sorry."

He unlocked the doors, opened mine and stood there, waiting for me to get in. I tilted my head back to gaze up at him. I expected him to be upset but he wasn't. He stood there looking so calm as he held the door open for me; it was different than anything I could've expected from him.

I lowered my head and stared at my hands. "With all my mom's debts, I can't afford this Devon."

"Who said you had to pay for it Janie?"

My head shot up. "I can't let you continue paying my way and buying stuff for me Devon, it's not right." I took a deep breath, "I was going to tell you when you got home tonight, I don't think I should be staying at your place anymore, I've burdened you long enough."

"Burdened me?" Devon gripped my chin as he leaned down until his nose almost touched mine. "Listen here Janie, you are not a burden. If I didn't want to help you, to have you at my place, you wouldn't be there." He released me, "Janie, Janie, Janie..." he shook his head as he looked helplessly at me. "You have no idea how scared I was that night, do you?"

I stared at him blankly.

"God Janie! When I called Amber's to talk to Reed, she was freaking out, crying and mumbling something about a fire at your place and having to be there for you. I didn't know until I got there that you weren't even home at the time. On the drive over, I pleaded with God - do you have any idea how often I talk to Him? Not at all. But the drive over, I pleaded with him, begged and even offered myself to Him in your place -"

"Why would you do that?"

"Because I love you damnit!" I jumped, surprised at the force behind his words. "I'm sorry," he said softly. "I love you," he repeated. "I know that I repeatedly screw our relationship up. I know I'm not the world's greatest boyfriend - hell, I'm probably the guy every mother warns their daughter about - but God, Janie! I thought I would lose you that night and it scared the shit out of me!"

"I heard all this before Devon."

"No," he shook his head furiously. "Not this. This is different."

"How is this different? It all sounds the same to me."

"It's different because I'm different Janie and so are you." I closed my eyes, he growled softly. "I know you don't believe me - I don't blame you Janie, I wouldn't believe me either but I swear it's true. This is different." He touched me, my eyes flew open to meet his. He gazed into my eyes for the longest time before turning away - I figured he saw he wasn't really getting anywhere and was giving up but as quickly as he turned away, he spun around to face me again. "This is different," he insisted. "If this were a couple months ago, I would kiss you - use your feelings for me to my advantage and make you see things my way - but I'm not going to do that. I'm going to ask you something Janie, if you want to do it - great - if you don't, then that's ok too." He waited a moment and then he asked if I was ok with that.

I considered it for a moment before nodding slowly, "What do you want to ask me?"

"Ok," he went to touch me but he stopped and shoved his hands into his pockets. "Janie, will you let me make this the best Christmas you could possibly have under the circumstances? Will you let me buy a tree and decorations? Will you help me put it all together when we get home? Will you make this the best Christmas I've ever had?" His lips twitched as he jokingly added, "I guess that was more than one question."

I went to answer but he stopped me. "Wait, let me ask that again, I think I can do better." I raised a brow as I tried not to laugh. "Janie," he smiled as he started again. "Will you spend Christmas with me?"

"I have a question of my own before I answer yours," I told him. "Actually, I have a couple."

Without hesitation, he nodded. "Go ahead, ask."

"I was wondering," I glanced around the busy parking lot, at all the happy families and I felt a pain in my heart. I shook my head, "No, I need to know that you are ok with me finding another place to stay. I need to know that you won't be expecting me to slip into the role of 'girlfriend' if I agree to stay for Christmas." I lifted my hand to his face, his eyes closed briefly when my fingertips brushed his jaw. "I'm feeling very vulnerable Devon."

Devon wrapped his hand around mine, holding it in place as he turned his head and kissed my palm. "I know," he lowered our hands between us. "That's why I'm trying not to push you," he smiled sadly. "I don't want you to leave after Christmas," he admitted. "But I won't stop you if that's what you feel you have to do."

With a gentle squeeze, I whispered, 'thank you.' And then tugged on his hand, "So what are we standing around here for? The tree isn't going to buy itself!"

I would love to say that we, with childlike abandonment, ran hand in hand back towards the crowded store but it wasn't that picture perfect. No, it wasn't like that at all. He walked along side me as I hobbled my way back towards the door, catching me every time my crutch slipped in the snow.

That was prefect.