Where Did I Go Wrong?

Devon refused to leave. He told me that until I listened to him, he wasn't going anyway and there was nothing I could do to make him. When I told him I could call the police, he told me to go right ahead. "They'll have to drag me out of here in handcuffs Janie because I'm not about to let you cut me out without hearing me out."

"Here you out?" I scoffed. "What do you think I'm going to do Devon? Stand here and listen to you tell me one lie after another?"

"I-"

"NO!" I snapped. "I had enough of that Devon a long time ago. I can't deal with him anymore. I want you to leave."

"I'm not going anywhere," he told me as I marched past him.

Without saying another word to him, I went directly to my living room and grabbed my phone from it's nest on my end table. Shifting Alexis to my left hip, I pressed the 'talk' button.

"Give me that!" Devon snatched the phone from me and tossed it across the room. "I didn't do anything wrong!"

"Leave me alone!"

"No," he shook his head. "I've done that before and I didn't enjoy it one bit!"

"Yeah?" I angrily brushed my bangs back from my face. "I've done the whole 'I like you but I'm fucking everyone else' thing before too and I hated it. I won't go down that road again Devon."

"I'm not fucking anyone!"

"Well if you aren't, you are thinking about fucking someone else!"

"No," he replied as he took a step towards me, backing me up to the arm of the couch. "I'm not thinking about fucking anyone; I'm thinking about making love to someone."

I turned my head away from him.

"I think about being with her all the time." His breath caressed my cheek as his fingers trailed up and down my arm. "I'd give everything to be with her once again. To feel all the tension drain from her body as she squirms under the pressure of my mouth."

Closing my eyes, I lifted my chin upwards stubbornly but didn't say a word.

His lips brushed gently against my cheek. "I didn't do anything to make you doubt me Janie."

"Huh!" I rolled my eyes. "Are you going to tell me she was nothing? Like you always do."

"No," he said softly.

I opened my eyes and met his. "I can't tell you she was nothing because I never did anything with her." He paused, studying my face. "Didn't you recognize her Janie?"

Frowning, I thought back to what I saw outside the restaurant. To tell the truth, besides knowing that she was blond and she was way too close to him for my liking.

"You didn't," he seemed surprised.

"No," I snapped as I pulled away from him. "Why should I recognize all your whores?"

With a laugh, he told me that in a minute I was going to regret that comment.

"Whatever Devon." I started towards the bedrooms with Alexis.

"Janie it was Laura."

I froze in mid stride. "Laura?" I shot him a look over my shoulder. "I don't believe you, she isn't a blond."

"She is now," he said simply. Reaching into his pocket, he fished out his wallet and pulled out a card. Passing it to me, he told me that I shouldn't be so quick to assume that he was cheating on me. "Especially when you were cozying up with Sean."

Ignoring that comment, I focused on the business card in my hand. My eyes landed on the picture first and then slowly I read the words. He was telling me the truth, it was Laura - his cousin.

"I was supposed to meet with Tom as well," he came up behind me and leaned in over my shoulder. "You remember Tom? Laura's husband?"

I nodded.

"He's a doctor, you know. We were in the middle of talking about the house they were hoping I would design for them when he got a delivery call - he asked me to take Laura home after we were done discussing what she wanted for her home."

I didn't look at him as I passed the card back over my shoulder. "I have to put Alexis down," was all I said before I high tailed it out of my living room.

Needless to say, I felt like an ass for accusing him of cheating.

Will I ever be able to see Devon with another woman and not think he's cheating? I wondered as I cleaned Alexis up and wrestled her into her pjs. I thought I was over it but after what happened, could I ever be over it?

The whole time I was putting Alexis to bed, I thought about how things were with him and how they had been the last couple months. He's changed, you know in your heart he isn't the same man he was before, so why do you get yourself all worked up over nothing?

I didn't have an answer to that when I left Alexis' room. I walked back out into the living room not really sure what I was going to do.

"Devon..."

He looked so hopeful as he stared at me from across the room.

"I'm sorry," I turned away. "I can't do this. Please leave."

"But..." I heard him curse. "This is bullshit Janie! I haven't done anything wrong in a long time but it doesn't matter to you, does it?"

I held up my hands, my eyes were closed tight because I was on the verge of tears. "Please, just go." I begged. "I can't do this, I can't."

When he cursed again, I opened my eyes in time to see him move towards me.

"What are you doing?" I demanded as he bared down on me.

His hands reached me first and then my body crashed against his as he pulled me to him. Before I could do anything - protest or push him away - his lips covered mine and I kissed him back with a force to match his own.

When he pull back a little, we were both shaking. Even his voice was unsteady when he spoke. "Don't send me away please." His tongue flicked over his lips before he continued. "I've been so careful not to do anything stupid to make you doubt me Janie. I need you so much. I - I -"

I raised a brow as he coughed to clear his throat.

"I love you Janie. Really love you."

Face Off

He just left. He looked guilty. He shook his head. And then I watched him open his door.

But I wouldn't watch him drive away with her. I refused to watch him betray me.

Without a word, I turned and headed back to the restaurant's parking lot. I didn't even bother to see if Sean as following me or not. I really didn't care at that moment, I just wanted to get out of there and get back to Amber. I needed to concentrate on something other than the stabbing pain in my heart.

It hurt, more than anything else I've ever felt. I trusted him. I let him back in and I believed that he had changed, that he loved me and really wanted to be with me. It was all a lie. He was the same self centered jerk that he has always been - screwing with my emotions and not caring that he hurt me.

But what pissed me off the most was the fact that he blew off going to visit his best friend, who could die, to fuck around with that skanky whore. A well dressed, beautiful skanky whore, I thought bitterly. When I started to wonder what she had that I didn't, I knew it was time to shake myself out of it and forget about it for now.

I turned suddenly and grabbed Sean's arm. "Do you think Amber is having a good time with Alexis?"

He nodded, a small smile played on his lips. "I'm sure she is, she's been missing Alexis."

"Yeah." I chuckled sadly. "Alexis has been walking around calling out to both Amber and Reed since I brought her home. Dev -" I stopped short.

"Janie..." Sean's arm wrapped around my shoulder as I tried to fight the tears. "It's ok," he spoke softly. "You'll be ok."

"Ha," I laughed. "I expected some snarky comment from you." From under my lashes, I glanced up at him. "What's wrong?"

With a shrug he told me that I was old enough to take care of myself and nothing he could say would make the situation better. "Although," he paused for a moment. "I will say that I believe Devon is a moron; you are a good person."

I laughed. If I didn't, I probably would've hugged him for not making some snide comment about Devon. "Thanks," I smiled as we approached my car. And then changed the subject. "Back to the hospital?"

A comfortable silence settled over the car on the drive back to the hospital. It was nice, I really wasn't in the mood to say that much.

When we arrived at Reed's room, his parents and Amber's parents' were all gathered around the bed with Amber and Alexis.

"What's going on?" Sean demanded as he hurried over to his brother's side. "Is everything -?"

"His fingers twitched!" Amber exclaimed as she threw her arms around Sean's broad shoulders. "I was sitting here watching Alexis as she laid down with Reed and his hand twitched - twice!"

"Oh my God!" I ran over to them. "That's wonderful! What do the doctors say?"

Amber shook her head, "They tell me not to get too worked up over it, it could be just a muscle thing but -" she turned to gaze adoringly at Reed. "I know he's coming back to us, I just know it!"

It was exciting news and the first thing I thought was, I wish Devon was here to see it, before I could stop myself.

Amber rambled on and on about the spiel the doctors gave her and how exciting it was to see him move something but I barely heard it. I was trying hard not to think about Devon and the blond chick.

An hour later, after promising Amber I would bring Alexis by the next day, I finally was able to leave the hospital.

On the drive home, all I could think about was the struggle ahead of me. About how difficult it would be to get Alexis settled down for the night without Devon there to help me. Alexis loved Devon and she did everything he wanted her to without much fuss.

I wasn't prepared to see Devon's car sitting in my driveway. It actually pissed me off that he had the nerve to show up at my place after I saw him with her. My only hope was that he was grabbing his stuff and would be gone in no time.

My front door swung open as I walked up the path.

"I didn't think you would ever come home," Devon exclaimed as he watched me climb the couple steps to the door. "I've been waiting for an -"

"Don't even," I snapped when he reached out to touch me. "Grab your stuff and get out of my house."

Shocked

The day that I brought Alexis to the hospital to see her parents, something changed. Everything changed.

Dinner with Sean was different from any other meal I shared with him. After we left the hospital he went quiet, only speaking when he told the waitress what he wanted to drink and eat.

"Ok," I reached across the table and grabbed his hand once the waitress dropped off our meals; I couldn't stand the silence any longer. "Talk to me. Flirt with me. Be rude and annoying, just please talk. The silence is killing me."

Sean ran a hand through his hair and sighed deeply. "Janie, I'm sorry, I'm not really in the mood to laugh and joke around. Not with Reed lying in that bed. Not with my brother missing out on his little girl's life and the love of his fiancee." He pulled his hand out from under mine and sat back in his seat. "Besides, you have a boyfriend and you don't like it when I hit on you." He laughed, "You think it's creepy - I'm so much older than you."

"You aren't that much older than me."

"Ten years." He raised a brow. "That's old enough to make it illegal Janie."

"No," I shook my head. "It's not that bad."

He scoffed. "You say that now but if I were to hit on you, you'd have a different tune." Shaking his head, he told me that he wasn't in the mood to play that game with me. "Let's just eat so I can get back to Amber - she needs me."

"Needs you?" I laughed. "Sean she begged me to get you out of that room - she wanted to be alone with Reed and Alexis."

Sean closed his eyes and sighed. "Do you set out to hurt me? Or are you that much of a bitch?"

"What?" I almost dropped the glass I was holding.

"I can understand being rude while I hit on you but now? When I'm already feeling pretty low?"

"I don't think that makes me a bitch," I replied defensively.

"What do you think it makes you Janie?"

Instead of replying, I stabbed my pasta with my fork.

"Are you not talking to me now?" He asked after a couple minutes.

"Just eat," I mumbled.

While I hated the silence, I was happy for it. I didn't think I was being a bitch, I didn't think I was kicking him while he was down. I was just stating facts. Amber wanted him out of that room. Why would he get mad at me for that? I'm not the one who didn't want him around - this time.

"Ready to go?" Sean asked as the waitress cleared out plates. I shrugged, he sighed. "Come on," he pushed his chair out and stood. "Was there anything else you were suppose to do to keep me out of Reed's room?"

"Sean do you blame her for wanting some time alone with him?" I stood before him and stared up into his eyes. "He's her soul mate Sean, she's lost and lonely without him. She misses the little moments they shared together. I don't blame her for wanting everyone to leave them alone."

"She's not the only one who misses him Janie." I swear that his jaw was trembling but I didn't get a chance to really check it out, he turned away from me.

After paying for our meal, Sean and I made our way out of the restaurant. I started towards my car which was parked at the far end of the crowded parking lot but he stopped me and asked if I would mind just walking with him. "I don't have anywhere to go," he told me. "I don't know anyone - Reed is my only friend in this town."

"That's why you are always at the hospital," I glanced at him. "Isn't it?"

With a shrug, he flashed me a forced smile. "Let's walk," he motioned towards the sidewalk that ran along the side of the restaurant.

We strolled along the sidewalk, side by side but for the amount we spoke to each other, we could've been strangers. Only it wasn't uncomfortable. It was actually the most comfortable I felt with him ever. It was nice for a change.

"Sean," I reached out and touched his arm. I wanted to apologize for my behaviour and I wanted to tell him I could be his friend, if he let me in and stop hitting on me.

But I caught a glimpse of a familiar figure out of the corner of my eye. It was Devon. With his hand planted in the middle of some blonde chick's back as he led her from a building across the street, to his car. I stood, frozen in spot with my mouth hanging open as I watched him open the passenger side door for her. She turned, said something to him and he laughed. She kissed his cheek and he helped her into his car.

"Janie," Sean tugged on my hand as he suggested that we continue walking.

I couldn't move though, my heart was crumbling into a million pieces. I couldn't take my eyes off the smile on his face as he rounded his car.

Just before he opened his car door, he looked up and around. Our eyes met across the busy street and his smile disappeared.

More Babysitting

I was fine that Devon wasn't going to the hospital with us until I walked up to Reed's door and then I started to curse him for not being there with me. If I didn't have Alexis in my arms, if I didn't tell her that we were going to see her mommy and if we didn't stop at the gift shop to buy a 'get well' card I probably would've turned around and walked away again.

"Are you ready to see mommy?"

Alexis nodded, her mouth opened as she went to stuff the corner of the card in her mouth.

"No," I grabbed the card. "That's for your daddy, remember I told you he was not feeling good?"

She nodded but I don't think she really knew what I was saying.

"Ok." Taking a deep breath, I turned the corner and entered Reed's room. Although I tried to avoid it, the first place my eyes rested was on Reed's battered and bruised body laying under the white hospital sheets. My heart hurt for Amber and Alexis. I started to wonder if it was really a good idea for Alexis to be here. If he dies, then it would be worse if Alexis never got to 'say' bye.

I didn't want to think like that but the longer I looked at him, the more I wondered if he would ever pull out of this. I had to force myself to look away, it was the only way I would stop worrying that he would die.

In the chair on the right side of his bed, Amber sat with her head resting on the mattress at his elbow and her hand under his. She was still, I thought she was sleeping.

"Dada?" Alexis' soft voice broke the silence and caused Amber to jump in her chair. Spinning around, she took one look at Alexis and just started to bawl. I couldn't make out a word she said as she came towards us and reached for Alexis. Once her daughter was in her arms, she turned around and walked back to Reed's side, whispering to Alexis every step of the way.

I watched Amber place Alexis on the bed by Reed's hip and then lift his hand so that Alexis' leg was under it. Alexis tried to kick it off and crawl on Reed but Amber wouldn't let her. "Daddy's not feeling that well Alexis, he needs to sleep so that he'll feel better. Will you sit there like a good little girl while daddy sleeps?"

She didn't want too, you could tell by the way she was holding herself, and I can't say I blame her. Alexis was daddy's little girl. She would follow him everywhere, she was always calling out to him when he wasn't around and when he was, they were always playing. She missed him and she didn't understand why he wasn't playing with her now.

Amber grabbed her as she tried to crawl on Reed again. "Alexis please don't," she groaned as Alexis cried. "Mommy's sorry, I wish I could do something but I can't."

"Do you want me to take her again?"

"No," Amber shook her head. "It'll be ok, she needs to see him and he needs her to be here." She grabbed Alexis again and this time pulled her down on her lap. "Thank you for bringing her in and for taking good care of her while I sit here with him."

"No problem," I told her. "She's been really good for Devon and me," I laughed. "Well if Devon wasn't there, I don't know how good it would be but..." I shrugged.

Amber smiled. "He's always been great with her - hasn't he Alexis? Uncle Devon is fun, isn't he?" Alexis didn't reply, she was struggling against her mom's arms as she tried to get on Reed's bed again. "Just hold on," Amber told her before turning to look at me - she looked so tired and worn out - I wondered if she was eating right and getting any sleep.

"Did you eat yet?" I asked her. "I could go get something for you if you like."

"Thanks but mom and dad are going to be here in a little while, they've been bringing me food. Lucinda and Roger have been visiting with food too. I don't really feel hungry but..." she trailed off as a hand rubbed over her belly. "The baby needs food."

"Ok," I gave her a half smile. "What about books or something to do while you sit with him?"

"I don't have the energy to do anything," she told me. "I just sit here and talk to him. I tell him what's going on and how everyone is." She chuckled softly. "His dad comes in and reads the entire paper to him."

"That's nice."

"Yeah," she shrugged. "Roger doesn't know what else to do, he doesn't like seeing Reed like this and not be able to do anything for him."

"I'm sure everyone feels like that," I stated. "I know I wish I could do something more."

"You're doing a lot," she told me. "It's easier for me to be here when I know that you and Devon are taking care of Alexis - it's almost as if we were their with her."

"Are you kidding? Alexis is plotting her escape!" I joked. "She misses you guys."

Amber smiled and turned back to Alexis. "Hey," she said after a couple minutes. "Do you think you can do me a favor?"

"Sure," I said without hesitating - I wanted to get out of that room. "What do you need?"

Amber pointed across the room to a corner that wasn't visible from where I stood. "Could you get him out of here for a while? He's been here every single moment since Reed's been admitted and while it's nice, I need to spend some time with Reed - just us."

As she spoke, I took a couple steps to see who she was talking about - even though I knew without a doubt that it was Sean. "He's sleeping," I stated. I didn't really want to spend any time with him.

"Janie please? It's just for a few minutes. He needs to get out of here, he hasn't been any where but home longer enough to shower and change. I don't even think he's sleeping that much." When I screwed up my face at the thought of spending time with him, Amber sighed. "I'm worried about him Janie."

"What do you expect me to do with him?"

"Take him out? Go to a restaurant, make sure he eats and thinks about something besides Reed in this bed for a few minutes."

After a couple minutes of listening to Amber's pleads, I gave in. "Ok, I'll take him." I told her and then jokingly added, "But babysitting Sean isn't the same as babysitting Alexis; you'll owe me big time!"

Amber thanked me and I made my way over to Sean. I called out his name but his only response was a couple soft snores. With a sigh, I leaned over him and gently shook his arm.

"Amber what is it?" He asked groggily as he shifted in his chair. "Is Reed - you aren't Amber." He rubbed his face, "I must be dreaming."

"No you aren't," I pulled away from him and turned to go. "Come on, I'm hungry and you are taking me out to dinner."

I was almost to the door when I heard him chuckle, "Now I know I'm dreaming."

Missing

"Janie?" Devon poked his head into my room again, looking a little worried. "Is there something wrong?" He took a step in as if he was ready to spring to action if there was.

"No," I shook my head. "Just watching Alexis play with my hair clips. She finds happiness in the smallest things I - I..." I started to well up with tears as I thought about the fact she didn't even know her life could change for the worst.

"Don't cry," Devon came to sit by my side, his strong arms wrapping around me as he pulled me close so my head could rest on his broad shoulder.

Wiping my cheeks, I told him I didn't want to cry. "I feel like I have to be strong for her but I'm not, I've never been."

"That's not true," he rubbed his hand up and down my back, trying to soothe me. "You've always been strong Janie and I've admired that about you."

"No," I chuckled sadly. "I haven't been strong at all."

"Sure you have," he insisted. With a smile, he added, "You've put up with me this long, that takes a lot of strenght."

"Whatever," I playfully shoved him away. "You just don't get lost." The moment those words left my mouth, I had a second of panic in which I wondered if he would take that seriously or realize I was joking.

Never in my life was I so happy to hear his deep laugh. "Come see what I've been doing," he held out his hand to me. Nodding, I scooped Alexis off my bed, held her to me and then slipped my hand in his.

I had some idea what to expect when I walked down the hall - I knew it had to do with breakfast - but I can tell you that it wasn't the 'picnic' breakfast that he had set up in the living room. I was shocked - Alexis was excited. "Devon," I glanced at him. "You didn't have to do this, you know."

"I know," he grinned as he took Alexis from my arms. He whispered something to her before he set her on the floor - she hesitated for a moment but soon she was making her way over to the blanket Devon had spread out. "Wait for us!" He called after her but she just giggled and continued towards the plate of bacon. "We better get over there," he threw over his shoulder as he went to join her.

"What are you doing?" He asked in a low growling voice as he grabbed her around the waist and started to tickle her. "Didn't I ask you to wait for Janie and me? Huh?"

As I watched them together, I couldn't stop myself from thinking that it never ceased to amaze me to see him with kids - it was as if he was a completely different person - like he stopped hiding who he is and just enjoyed himself. It was times like that told me I was doing the right thing by being with him - that giving him another chance was a good thing.

I went over to them. "I want in on this action," I laughed as I joined them on the floor.

Without missing a beat, Devon grabbed me around the waist and had me on the floor on my back before I could even tell him I meant tickling Alexis.

Breakfast with Devon and Alexis was the best meal I had ever had in a long time. Even if Alexis did get bits of food everywhere! It was worth it to see the fun side of Devon. When we were done, when we were cleaning up before I went to give Alexis a bath, I told him we had to have more meals like that.

Laughing, he told me that he wasn't sure that Amber or Reed would let us kidnap Alexis too much after he got out of the hospital. "Would you be fine if it's just me and you?"

I didn't give him an answer but I did make a point of noticeably checking him out before I walked away with a big smile on my face.

That night, when I was getting Alexis ready for bed, Amber called like she had been doing since the first night I had Alexis. Like every other night, she would speak with me for a minute and then ask me to put Alexis on so she could talk to her. I would spend the next five minutes or so, trying to hold Alexis still so I could hold the phone to her ear; although most nights it was actually Devon who was holding Alexis so she could talk to her mom. After Alexis starts to fuss really badly, I'd talk to Amber for a couple more minutes and then she would say she had to go.

Last night, she didn't seem to want to hang up. I had asked her a few times if everything was alright and she swore that everything was until she finally broke down and started to bawl. "Amber, tell me what's wrong."

Devon shot me a worried look but I didn't have anything to tell him.

"Is it Reed? Have the doctors said something?"

"Nooo," she wailed.

I shook my head at Devon so he knew what she said, although I think he could hear her. "Is it the baby? Have you been eating?"

"No," she sniffled. "The baby's ok."

"Are you?" I asked her.

"Yeah," she sighed sadly as she sounded like she was trying to stop.

"Then what's wrong? I can't help you if you don't tell me."

"I just..." she sniffled. "I mean..." she sighed and sobbed. "Everything is wrong," she sobbed again. "I miss Reed so much..."

"Amber he's still there, he wouldn't go anywhere without you, you know that."

"I know...." she sighed. "I just want to take him home....to be with him...and..." she sobbed loudly - Devon gave me a worried look. "I miss my baby..."

"I know you do Amber but he's doing the best he can to come through this. He wouldn't leave you, he loves you too much for that."

"I know...I love him too...with all my heart but -"

"No buts Amber, Reed will come through this."

She chuckled sadly, "I was...I mean...I miss Alexis."

"Oh." I looked down at Alexis as she curled up in Devon's arms. "She really misses you too Amber, she asks for you and Reed every single day."

"Does she?"

"Of course," I laughed. "How could she not miss you and Reed? With me watching her? She probably wants to run away!"

Amber laughed. "She sounds happy when I hear her, you must be doing alright."

"No," I admitted. "Devon is doing alright - me? I'm just trying not to scar her for life!"

"I'm glad he's there with you," she told me. "He's great with Alexis, you see that, right?"

"Yeah," I grinned. "I see it."

Even with Reed in the hospital, Amber was able to get there and try to sell me on why she thought Devon was perfect for me. "Think about it, ok?" She said at the end of her 'sales' pitch. "If I learnt one thing, it's that the man you love may not always be around."

"Amber," I said in a warning tone as she started to sound depressed again. "Reed will pull through this."

"He's strong," she sighed. "They moved him today."

"What?" She didn't say that before. "Why?"

"Well they say he is stable and his mom had been freaking about him not being in a private room, so they moved him."

"Well that's a great sign!"

She didn't say anything.

"What is it Amber?"

Taking a deep breath, she asked me if I had plans tomorrow after work. When I told her no, she asked me if it would be too much trouble for me to bring Alexis to the hospital for a few minutes. "The doctors say that he might be able to hear us and I think that he would probably be wondering where Alexis is." She paused and then added that she really needed to see Alexis, even if Reed couldn't hear her.

"I'll bring her down," I promised her.

The next evening after I got off work, I went by the day care to pick up Alexis like I've been doing for the last week. Normally Devon was there waiting for me with Alexis all ready to go but when I walked into the day care, he was standing just inside the door with a frown on his face. My first thought was that he heard something about Reed and it wasn't good.

"Devon?" I approached him hesitantly.

"Janie," he sighed.

"What's wrong?" My heart literally was beating in my throat. "Did you hear something about Reed?"

"No," he shook his head. "I just can't go with you to the hospital, I have a dinner meeting that I just can't get out off - I tried really hard."

"Oh," I probably didn't look that disappointed by the news because his frown deepened. "No," I groaned as I reached for him. "I didn't mean it like that, I just thought that you had bad news about Reed and you didn't, so I was relieved."

He nodded. "I should go. Tell Amber that I wanted to be there and I am thinking of her and Reed."

"Devon?" I went after him as he walked away from me. When he turned, I threw my arms around him. "I really wish you were coming with us."

"So do I," he kissed my forehead. "I'll see you at home, ok?"

I was still nodding like a moron when he walked out through the doors.

Trying To Make Her Life Normal

The night of the accident Amber asked me to pick Alexis up from her parents house and to look after her. I didn't know at the time that Amber was really asking me to become a surrogate mommy.

"I need to be here," Amber told me when I called her at the hospital that night after I picked up Alexis and had her playing in my living room. "Can you please take care of Alexis for me? Please Janie? I need to know that Alexis is safe."

Being the great friend I am, I promised her that I would take care of her daughter so she could concentrate on making sure that Reed knew that we loved and needed him here.

Problem was, I didn't have anything for Alexis, just the day bag that Lenore gave me when I picked her up. I didn't have enough diapers, clothes out anything else that one would need to take care of a baby. I thought about going to Amber and Reed's but it just felt wrong to be there or think about staying there when they weren't around.

It was getting later and later by the minute, Alexis was whining and rubbing her eyes as she called out to her mom and dad. It broke my heart to hear her crying for them. I wanted to do anything to make it stop. I wished that I was able to turn back time and stop the driver that hit Reed's car so that my friend and her family wouldn't know the heartache they were feeling at this moment.

Of course, I was incapable of turning back time - hell I wasn't really qualified to be alone in her company - I didn't know the first thing about babies. My experience went as far as being around her when Amber was around.

So I did the only thing I could think of - I called in backup.

"Thank you for coming," I said as my backup crossed my doorstep and took a squirmy, crying Alexis out of my arms and attempted to soothe her. "I don't know what to do," I admitted helplessly. "She's been crying for a while and she's so tired. I don't have pjs for her and I don't have her blanket. I don't know if I'm supposed to wash her before bed or even if I can put her in a real bed for that matter! I'm freaking out here! Why did Amber think I could -"

The pressure of his lips on mine stopped me dead in my rambling. "Don't worry Janie," he said with a smile as he pulled away from me. "Just calm down and I promise that everything will be alright."

It had been a long week, like I said in the last post, Alexis still cries at night for her dad, but during the day she's almost as happy as she was over a week ago.

I would love to say that it was because of my care giving but I know that's not true. I'm convinced with my entire being that the only reason Alexis feels 'normal' at all is the man who came to our rescue. The man who told me that I wasn't doing this alone as he brought his suitcases in along with the stuff he managed to gather from Amber's place for Alexis.

Just now, he poked his head into my room and asked me to join him in the living room. I don't know what he's been doing for the last hour or so - he banished Alexis and me to my room so he could do something without us 'ruining' the surprise.

Pain

The last couple of days have been the worst I've had in months. The call we received at the restaurant the other night wasn't from the same person that was texting me. My text messages were from a girl friend of mine wanting to tell me about a party next weekend. The call, well...

"It's about time you two got here," Sean snapped at us as we ran up the sidewalk towards the hospital. "What did you do? Stop to make out or something?"

"Fuck you," Devon grabbed him by the shirt and slammed him up against the wall. "What the hell is going on here? Why were we 'summoned' here?"

"Devon," I tried to get between the two of them. "This isn't the time," I turned to Sean. "Please tell me everything is ok."

"I -" He shook his head, at a lost for what to say.

"Who?" I asked, my heart in my throat, fearing the answer.

"Reed," he barely choked out as his eyes filling with tears. "Amber called me....he..."

"NO!" Devon snapped as he slammed Sean against the wall against. "Stop lying!"

"You think I'm lying?" Sean glared at him. "That's my brother in that operating room! It's my brother who may not get to see his little girl grow up or see his new baby! Do you think I would lie about that?" Sean gripped Devon's hand and ripped them away from him. "Fuck you, you bastard!"

I watched Sean walk away from us and I saw Devon fall forward against the wall he just held Sean against. I didn't know what to do first, to run after Sean and see how Amber was - find out more information about what was going on with Reed. Or go to Devon and make sure that he was ok after having just found out that the man that was like a brother to him is possibly going to die.

I choose Devon. He needed me more.

I went to him and wrapped my arms around his waist. "Devon?"

"It has to be a lie Janie," he said after a while. "Reed has to be ok, he can't...." I hugged him tighter as his body shook in my arms.

We stood like that for the longest time before he turned towards me and asked me to take him to see Reed. "I need to see him."

Hand in hand, we walked into the hospital together and made our way towards the waiting room that the nurses directed us when I asked for Amber.

The waiting room was silent - deadly silent. For a moment I was afraid that they got some bad news about Reed's condition but one look around told me that they were all just in their own little world of prayer.

"Amber," Devon pulled on my hand as he hurried across the room to where Amber sat with Sean. "What happened?" He asked as he sunk to the floor at her feet, letting go of my hand as he went down.

Through her tears, she told us that it was her fault, she wanted ice cream but they didn't have the kind she wanted at home. "I asked him to go to the store - he didn't want to go - he just got home from work and wanted to relax with Alexis and me." She told us they argued and he reluctantly agreed to go. At that point she was crying too hard to understand anything else that she tried to say. With a huge sob, she turned to Sean and he wrapped his arms around her, comforting her as she buried her face against his chest.

"His car was hit on the passenger's side before he turned down the road to come home," Sean told us as he stroked Amber's back.

"I didn't need the ice cream that badly," Amber's muffled voice cut in as she lifted her head from Sean's chest. Wiping her cheek, she stared up at him, "I can't lose him Sean, I can't."

"You won't," he promised her. "I won't let anything happen to him."

Beside me I heard Devon scoff, "Don't," I hissed. "She needs that right now."

"No," he leaned towards me. "She doesn't need to be lied to!"

I happened to agree with him on that point but I also didn't think that she needed to hear that he wouldn't make it.

It was a long night - we didn't leave the hospital until long after the sun came up. I would've stayed as long as it took but Amber asked me to relieve her parents from babysitting so they could come down and be with her. "I need to be here," she told me. "But I don't want Alexis to have to see me or her daddy like this."

"Of course we'll take care of her," Devon promised and then told her he would be back to check on her and Reed. "When you get to see him, tell him he made a promise to me that he can't back out off." After glancing at me for a brief second, he told Amber that he really needed Reed to be there like he promised.

It's almost been a week since the accident and sadly, there hasn't been much of a change in Reed's condition. He remains in a coma in critical condition and everyday his little girl cries for him when I put her to bed at night. I'm afraid that she'll spend her lifetime crying for him.

And I'm afraid that if he dies, Amber will never be the same again.