Nervousness

"Janie? Baby are you there?" Devon's concerned voice came over the phone.

"Yeah," I shook my head in confusion, "I'm here."

"Oh, for a moment there, I thought you hung up or something. You didn't answer my question," he informed me.

"What?" I frowned, I was pretty damn sure I was the last one to say something and he had yet to say something about it.

"I asked you how you could be sure I wasn't the same man," he paused and then told me that I went silent.

What? I told you I loved you! I found myself thinking. "I replied," I told him curtly.

"No Janie, you didn't, that's why I asked if you were still there."

"But I just..." Did I?

"You just what Janie?" He was starting to sound a little impatient. "Are you going to answer my question?"

"I..." Now that I realized that whole telling him I loved him was all in my head, I felt a little weird about saying it like this. I didn't want him to misunderstand what I meant or think that I just said it to make him believe that he's changed. So I copped out and told him something else. "I think I should know, more than anyone else, whether you have changed or not Devon. I'm telling you, you aren't the same man you used to be and, to be honest, I'm very happy about that."

It sounded lame and I hated that I chickened out.

"Uh oh," he chuckled softly. "Heads up, Sean just left the table; I think he's coming for you."

I hung up from talking to Devon just as there was a knock on the bathroom door. "Janie?" Sean called out to me as he inched the door open. "Are you ok? You've been gone for a while and I...well, I'm hoping you are in there and didn't run out on me." He gave a nervous chuckle and asked, once again, if I was there.

For a moment, I thought about not saying anything to make him think that I did run out. That moment passed and I went over to the door. "I'm here," I peeked through the opening he made. "What are you doing lurking outside the lady's room?"

He smiled, "Just waiting for the prettiest lady I know to come out and finish her lunch."

I rolled my eyes, "Don't get cute with me Sean; I'm still mad at you."

"Janie, I'm sorry. I didn't mean..." He trailed off as an older lady come up wanting in to the bathroom. "Can we talk about this back at our table?" He moved aside for the woman to pass but his eyes remained on me. "Please Janie."

We made our way back to the table, I promised to sit and listen to what he had to say but I didn't think it mattered, I didn't believe there was a thing he could say to make me even the least bit interested in talking to him beyond lunch.

He started talking - just telling me things about himself - his earliest memories, his childhood friends, how he felt about his parents divorce and how he knew he didn't fit in with his family. "I just thought that every one felt that way but when I found out I was adopted, it all made sense." He sighed, "Some times I wish I didn't know that I was adopted, maybe life wouldn't have seemed like it was all a lie."

"Finding out you were adopted doesn't make the life you led a lie Sean."

"How do you know?" He asked, "You don't know what it's -"

"Actually," I reached across the table and touched his hand. I don't know why I did it, I'm still wondering. I think, maybe, it was to convey that I did know how he felt. "I was adopted," I told him. "I don't know who my real parents are and, as you know, I lost the only mom I had."

"Oh," he looked at me, his surprised expression quickly faded into a grimace. "That's why you flipped on me Christmas Day, wasn't it? There I was bitching about not feeling like I belonged and missing my adoptive family when you..."

"Don't have anyone?" I finished for him.

"Well," he leaned in as he took my hand in his. "You have so many people who care about you Janie." He paused for a beat, "Including me."

"Sean..."

"Janie..."

I pulled my hand out of his and leaned back in my chair, "Don't make fun of me."

"I wouldn't dream of it," he leaned back and crossed his arms.

"You are doing it again!"

"Janie!" He groaned, "Would you stop it? I'm not making fun of you."

"Yes you are!" I insisted. "You are doing it right now and you do it every time you call me 'Spitfire'."

"No," he shook his head. "That's not me making fun of you, that's you making me nervous."

"Yeah, right," I scoffed. "Why would you possibly be nervous around me Sean?"

"Oh I don't know," he glanced away and then turned back to stare at me. "I wish I knew why I can't get you out of my head. I wish I could forget about you because, let's face it, you are way too young for me but..." he bit his lip as he shook his head. "I still kick myself for not kissing you when I had the chance."