I was talking to Amber last night, I called her before I drove myself crazy. I needed someone to tell me that I was being silly, that things are fine between Devon and me, that it was normal to have moments when you just don't want to be with the guy you were with.
Apparently it's not normal at all.
"Are you talking about just having some time by yourself?" She asked me when I couldn't explain what I meant. "Sure, I like to spend some time doing some thing just for me without Reed or Alexis. But after a while, I just want to go home to be with him or call him to hear his voice."
"You haven't ever gotten there and thought that you would be happy on your own?" I asked hopefully.
"Oh my God! No Janie! I know what life is like without Reed, I don't want any part of that anymore!" She paused before asking what was going on with me. "I thought Devon was being the guy you wanted him to be? Didn't you say he was being more considerate and romantic?"
"Yeah," I sighed.
"Then what's wrong? Why are you asking me if it's normal to not want to see him?"
I shrugged, "I just don't always want to see him."
"Well, like I said some times you do need space to -"
"I'm not talking space Amber! I mean there are times when he calls that I pretend I'm not home or busying doing something so I don't have to talk to him. I've cancelled out of a couple dates just to sit at home and stare at the wall and..."
"And what?" She asked cautiously.
"I did something I shouldn't have," I admitted after a couple minutes of silence. I closed my eyes in preparation for the screaming that would come after I told her, "I went out with Cary last night and woke up with him this morning."
Amber reacted worse than I thought she would, I actually had to hold the phone away from my ear, she was yelling that loudly. She didn't like what I did at all, she didn't think I should be seeing Cary at all after what I did to him with Devon, she thought it was twisted that I would cheat on Devon with Cary when Devon was trying to be everything I wanted him to be.
"What the hell is wrong with you Janie?" She asked finally. "Who are you? The Janie I grew up with would never have done this to her boyfriend."
"Maybe I'm not the same person," I sniffed - yes I'm a baby, I cried when she started to yell at me. "I look at you and Reed, I see how in love you are with him and I really try to be that way with Devon but I just can't. I thought I could if he changed but Amber it hasn't changed, I just can't see forever with him."
Amber groaned, if she was in front of me, I would probably see her lower her head to her hands and pull on her hair as she did that - she always did that. "I'm sorry," I blurted out.
"Why?" She asked. "What are you sorry for Janie? Sleeping with Devon? Sleeping with Cary? Not knowing what the hell you want? What?"
"I'm sorry you are disappointed that I don't see myself with Devon like we both talked about before. I'm sorry that I can't pretend that I'm happy with him. And I'm really sorry if this affects our friendship, I don't want to lose you as a friend over this Amber."
She was quiet for the longest time, I thought she hung up. "Are you there?"
"Yes," she sighed.
"Are you mad?"
"How can I be?" She asked me. "I can't change the fact that you don't feel the way I thought you did about Devon."
"I'm sorry," I repeated.
"Janie, don't. I want you to really think about this before you do anything rash. If you really don't want to be with Devon, you need to tell him before it's too late. If you are just scared because of what happened with your parents, you need to let him know that and figure out what to do about it. If you just want some time, he needs to know. Whatever it is that you decide to do, you need to talk to him."
Talk to him. That's what I'm dreading the most. How can I tell him that who he is right now, isn't who I want to be with after he did this 'change' for me? How do I explain that who he was before wasn't who I wanted to be with either? How do I tell him that I can't think of any reason why I would love him when ever since I met him, I told him I did?
How the hell could I have been so wrong?
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19 comments:
Janie is weird!
Wow! Janie's got some serious issues. I can't wait to find out what they are!!!
She's not weird, she's just confused, she is becoming more sure of herself and is realizing that there is more than one man out there who finds her attractive. I think she should tell Devon they need to cool it for a while, she has mixed feelings and she needs time by herself to sort through what she's feeling, even if that means dating other people.
She definitely seems lost. I think the first thing she needs to do - is quit trying to mimic what Reed & Amber are doing and decide what she wants for herself & what SHE wants out of a relationship.
Stacey
Not weird. I've been there. There wasn't always someone else waiting in the wings, either. You date to learn these things, and when they're not working you try to work harder. If that doesn't work, you move on.
Maybe Janie likes the 'bad boy' better than the 'romantic man?'
Maybe Janie just likes two men. I can't believe she cheated on each one with the other! If she's not happy with Devon, she should tell him, but sneaking around with Cary behind his back? NOT COOL!
No, definately not cool to cheat. She knows how it feels to be cheated on, so she should know better. 2 People can love one another, but not bring out the best in each. I think this is what is happening w/Janie and Devon. She needs to talk to him soon.
geez janies a bitch
devin does not deserve that
janie's neither weird nor a bitch. it's just terribly normal to feel like that after everything that happened. she was in love with devon, or thought she was. BUT things with him weren't going well because he was treating her badly, using her, almost marrying sb else and so on. janie always thought that when devon stopped being an a-hole, their relationship would be great. and then he finally is nice, and now it's just too late - on the one hand, she realizes she's worth sb who always treats her with respect, and on the other hand, she realizes that it wasn't the circumstances keeping them from a having good relationship, it was that they just didn't fit.
mary
Here Here Stacey!!
Janie is trying to make her relationship like Amber & Reed's and that may not be what works for her. She needs to ask herself the 'hard questions' (oh goodness I sound like Dr. Phil) and decide what she wants. If it's not Devon, then she needs to let him go.
um so whatever pain or issues Janie has with Devon, its never ok to cheat. It doesnt matter why.
I agree with most. It is not ok to cheat. And she is lost. Not weird or a bitch. But i think she should get away from both Devon and Cary. At least for awhile so she can straighten her thoughts out and find out what SHE wants and not try to be Reed and Amber. Good luck to you Janie.
Chris
maybe its not anna who needs a new guy maybe its Janie!
Sweeeeeeeeeeeet drama! Great post!
Wow!
Didn't think that was going to happen. I think that some of yall are right. Janie doesn't need to mimic Amber & Reed's. What works for them doesn't work for everyone else. It also seems like she needs to figure out what she wants on her own. Maybe cut loose the guys & be alone for awhile. She def wasn't over Devon before she got with Cary & vice versa.
Over at "View" we were all debating about what Anna should do with her man situation and one of the options was "Team No Guy."
I think that's exactly what Janie needs to do. She obviously doesn't know what she wants in a relationship, and is hurting herself, Cary, & Devon all at the same time by carrying on the way she does.
I don't really know much about Janie's back story. Did her parents have a healthy relationship? Why is she still living with her mother? Has SHE been in healthy relationships before Devon?
Carolyn
i agree with carolyn. shes ridiculously co-dependant. jumps from guy to guy and is miserable without one.
i think her parents had a bad relationship and thats why.
that being said, why is she still at home. it is one thing to stay home to save up money and move out but what does janie do for work? is she even trying to support herself or is she waiting for someone to marry her and take care of her? shes still very much a child.
now this is an observation NOT a critism on the writing. i like these blogs a lot - just. it seems like a lot of the female characters are co-dependant. aside from amber who is pretty strong and wanted to stand on her own two feet, the girls in these stories are all very "i need my man to survive." im voting, SINGLEDOM! you can't be in a relationship until you can be on your own and that goes for anna too. she locks herself up and life is over if josh isnt in her life.. not healthy
wow,your comment(my mantra . . .) really just made me think about my own life. I have a date so soon after my boyfriend dumped me for the millionth time this year. I love these blogs, but the women are really what you said. I guess maybe I never thought that because it reminded me of me. thanks for giving me something to think about.
Amy
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