Curtain Call

"You are doing it again," Devon's frustration was quickly turning into anger. "What's going on inside that head of yours Janie? You haven't said a word all night?"

"Sorry," I muttered.

"Don't be sorry," he said. "Just tell me what's going on?" He watched me poke at my food for a couple minutes. "If you aren't satisfied with your meal, we can return it and get a new one."

"It's fine Devon," I sighed, poking the mashed potatoes with my fork one more time. "I'm just not very hungry." I could feel his eyes on me, I really didn't want to talk about what was going on, I still wasn't sure what to do about it. Dropping my fork onto my plate, I looked up at him. "Can we just leave? I'm not in the mood to be out tonight."

He hesitated.

"I just want to go home," I repeated. "I'm very tired." Truth of the matter was, I haven't slept that much since I cheated on Devon with Cary. I couldn't sleep, every time I closed my eyes I pictured the smile on Cary's face as he gazed down at me that morning - he looked like he won the lottery. It was that smile that made me pick up the phone numerous times to see what he was doing but I always chickened out in the end. I didn't think I had the right to see him when everything was such a mess in my life.

"Janie!" Devon was giving me a dirty look.

Shaking my head, I tried to figure out what he was upset with. "What?" I looked around, nothing was happening around us.

"Nothing," he snapped as he caught the attention of our waiter. "Let's get out of here."

I wandered out of the restaurant as Devon settled our bill. It was a cold night but I didn't feel the wind through my clothes, I was too preoccupied by my own indecision. I hated it. It wasn't me, I've never been this way before. Growing up, I was always one to make a decision and stick to it, no second guessing, not 'what ifs' or 'buts' or anything. I made up my mind and that was how it was going to be.

But for some reason, this whole thing with Devon has thrown me off balance. I wanted to love him, to be with him but there was something inside me that was telling me it wasn't going to happen. That we wouldn't really be happy together. When I asked that part of me why we wouldn't be happy, I would close my eyes and see Cary's face.

"Let's go," Devon grabbed my arm as he came up along side me, pulling me towards the parking lot where his car was waiting for us.

The drive home was very tense, I could feel him watching me as I stared out the window but he never said anything and neither did I.

"I'll see you later," I jumped out the moment he stopped the car. I wanted to bolt, I didn't want him to come in but he was faster than I thought he would be. He stopped me half way up the walk.

"Janie you have been acting strange all night, tell me what's going on."

"Nothing," I lied. "I just need to be alone right now."

"Why?"

I didn't answer him.

"Come on Janie, tell me why!"

"I don't love you!" I blurted out before I could stop myself.

He stumbled backwards as if I struck him. "Wh - " he shook his head, a small smile on his lips, like he thought I was kidding with him. "What are you talking about?"

"I didn't want to tell you like this," I tried to explain which only seemed to confuse him more. "I thought that I was just going through a weird period - not wanting to see you or talk to you but..." I sighed. "I don't feel like I thought I would Devon, I don't pine for you. I don't miss you when you aren't around. I look for things to do so I don't have to see you."

He stared at me for a while, his jaw twitching under the pressure of this clenched teeth.

"Devon, I'm sorry. I wish I felt differently." I went to reach out to him but he grabbed my wrist, shoving my hand away.

"Don't even think about it," he snarled. "I don't need your pity or your excuses." He spun around and walked away. "Have a nice life you heartless bitch."

I wish I could say that I wanted to go after him but I didn't, I was relieved that he was leaving. The fact that he called me a heartless bitch didn't even faze me.

For that's exactly what I am.

It's been three days since that happened and I still don't feel the least bit sorry, Devon and I were over a long time ago, just neither one of us would really admit it. We tried many times to be a couple but this last time was it.

I have other things to keep me occupied, the biggest event being the trip to the mountains that I have planned for this weekend coming with a group of girls I went to school with.