Pain

The last couple of days have been the worst I've had in months. The call we received at the restaurant the other night wasn't from the same person that was texting me. My text messages were from a girl friend of mine wanting to tell me about a party next weekend. The call, well...

"It's about time you two got here," Sean snapped at us as we ran up the sidewalk towards the hospital. "What did you do? Stop to make out or something?"

"Fuck you," Devon grabbed him by the shirt and slammed him up against the wall. "What the hell is going on here? Why were we 'summoned' here?"

"Devon," I tried to get between the two of them. "This isn't the time," I turned to Sean. "Please tell me everything is ok."

"I -" He shook his head, at a lost for what to say.

"Who?" I asked, my heart in my throat, fearing the answer.

"Reed," he barely choked out as his eyes filling with tears. "Amber called me....he..."

"NO!" Devon snapped as he slammed Sean against the wall against. "Stop lying!"

"You think I'm lying?" Sean glared at him. "That's my brother in that operating room! It's my brother who may not get to see his little girl grow up or see his new baby! Do you think I would lie about that?" Sean gripped Devon's hand and ripped them away from him. "Fuck you, you bastard!"

I watched Sean walk away from us and I saw Devon fall forward against the wall he just held Sean against. I didn't know what to do first, to run after Sean and see how Amber was - find out more information about what was going on with Reed. Or go to Devon and make sure that he was ok after having just found out that the man that was like a brother to him is possibly going to die.

I choose Devon. He needed me more.

I went to him and wrapped my arms around his waist. "Devon?"

"It has to be a lie Janie," he said after a while. "Reed has to be ok, he can't...." I hugged him tighter as his body shook in my arms.

We stood like that for the longest time before he turned towards me and asked me to take him to see Reed. "I need to see him."

Hand in hand, we walked into the hospital together and made our way towards the waiting room that the nurses directed us when I asked for Amber.

The waiting room was silent - deadly silent. For a moment I was afraid that they got some bad news about Reed's condition but one look around told me that they were all just in their own little world of prayer.

"Amber," Devon pulled on my hand as he hurried across the room to where Amber sat with Sean. "What happened?" He asked as he sunk to the floor at her feet, letting go of my hand as he went down.

Through her tears, she told us that it was her fault, she wanted ice cream but they didn't have the kind she wanted at home. "I asked him to go to the store - he didn't want to go - he just got home from work and wanted to relax with Alexis and me." She told us they argued and he reluctantly agreed to go. At that point she was crying too hard to understand anything else that she tried to say. With a huge sob, she turned to Sean and he wrapped his arms around her, comforting her as she buried her face against his chest.

"His car was hit on the passenger's side before he turned down the road to come home," Sean told us as he stroked Amber's back.

"I didn't need the ice cream that badly," Amber's muffled voice cut in as she lifted her head from Sean's chest. Wiping her cheek, she stared up at him, "I can't lose him Sean, I can't."

"You won't," he promised her. "I won't let anything happen to him."

Beside me I heard Devon scoff, "Don't," I hissed. "She needs that right now."

"No," he leaned towards me. "She doesn't need to be lied to!"

I happened to agree with him on that point but I also didn't think that she needed to hear that he wouldn't make it.

It was a long night - we didn't leave the hospital until long after the sun came up. I would've stayed as long as it took but Amber asked me to relieve her parents from babysitting so they could come down and be with her. "I need to be here," she told me. "But I don't want Alexis to have to see me or her daddy like this."

"Of course we'll take care of her," Devon promised and then told her he would be back to check on her and Reed. "When you get to see him, tell him he made a promise to me that he can't back out off." After glancing at me for a brief second, he told Amber that he really needed Reed to be there like he promised.

It's almost been a week since the accident and sadly, there hasn't been much of a change in Reed's condition. He remains in a coma in critical condition and everyday his little girl cries for him when I put her to bed at night. I'm afraid that she'll spend her lifetime crying for him.

And I'm afraid that if he dies, Amber will never be the same again.

Getting Close To Something?

I received a text message last night while I was out to dinner with Devon. I tried to ignore it but Devon heard the beeping and he wanted to know what it was. "It's nothing," I told him without looking at my phone. "If it was important, it would've been a call not a text."

He seemed satisfied with that reply and we pretty much forgot about the text until we were going to leave and my phone started beeping again. "Someone really wants to get to you," Devon joked as he paid for dinner. "Let me guess, it's your other boyfriend."

"That's not funny Devon," I glared at him.

"Come on baby," he reached for me. "I was just kidding."

"It wasn't funny," I informed him before turning to walk out of the restaurant and into the cool March night.

"It was a joke Janie," Devon insisted when he caught up with me. "I know you aren't seeing anyone else."

"What if I was?" I snapped.

"What?" He raised a brow. "What if you were what?"

Frowning, I thought about what we were talking about. I didn't really know what it was that I was talking about. There were times that I was so certain that I wanted no one else but him but then other times?

"Janie?" Devon stepped in front of me. "Is there anyone else?"

I was unimpressed the he actually felt that he needed to ask that - I had spent most of my time with him. "When would there be time for some one else?"

"Are you saying that I'm hogging all your time?" He demanded.

"No, I-"

Shifting from one foot to the other, he stared down at me, "Because all you have to do is tell me and I'll make myself scarce!"

"Devon, I didn't say -"

"Maybe we do need to spend more time apart."

"What?" I shook my head. "Devon, I didn't say that! I didn't say anything! God! Why are you being like this?"

"Me?" He pointed at himself. "I'm not being like anything! I was just joking! I don't think you have another boyfriend!" He cursed and turned away from me.

Without saying anything, I moved behind him. I was shaking pretty badly as I reached my hand out towards his back - I was worried that he was serious about taking a break. At the last minute, I dropped my hand and took a deep breath. "Devon?"

He didn't reply.

"Devon please, I know you can hear me, you are standing right in front of me."

A moment passed and then another. Finally he dropped his chin to his chest and sighed. "What is it you want from me Janie?" He asked softly. "We spend time together, we talk and laugh. I've been patient and understanding, not because I expect something from you for it, but because I want you to know that I'm here for you."

"I know you are," I wrapped my arms around his waist and pressed my body against his back. Sighing, I closed my eyes and bury my face in his shirt as his scent engulfed my senses.

"What do you want Janie? What will make you happy?" His hand covered mine as they rested together at his waist.

It was a very good question and the only thing that popped into my head was. "You."

"Me?" He removed my hands and turned around. "We argue and you walk away -"

"Yes," I nodded. "We do."

"Then I'm not really making you happy."

"Devon," I pulled my hands from his and returned them to his waist. Resting my forehead against his chest, I told him that it was true that we argued and I walk away. "Even the happiest couples I know argue and need to get away from each other from time to time. That doesn't mean that I'm not happy Devon."

He hesitated for a moment, I could feel it.

"Reed and Amber argue," he stated.

"Yes," I smiled. "They do but they are -" My words were drowned out by his shirt as he pulled me to his chest.

He held me and stroked my back. He was quiet for a long time, I had to check to see if I could tell what was going on. When I lifted my head from his chest, he frowned. "I've been wanting to ask you something for a long time Janie but it never seems to be the right moment."

I opened my mouth to ask him what he wanted to ask me but I never got the chance, we were interrupted by one of the restaurant staff as they ran towards us calling our names.

"There's been an accident," the guy told us between gasps for air. "You need to go to the hospital right away."

Argh!

"Sean..." Amber looked embarrassed as she stared up at Sean standing just outside the kitchen. As she rose from her chair, she gave me a look, like she wanted me to apologize or something.

I didn't apologize though. What did I have to apologize for? Not feeling anything for him? Yeah, right!

"Hey Amber," Sean smiled as he strolled towards her, giving her a hug before taking the seat she vacated. "Can we...?"

I couldn't believe it! He was shooing her away.

"You know," I closed the magazine I was flipping though and started to stand. "I have stuff to -" Sean grabbed my arm, his fingers circling around my wrist.

"Yeah..." Amber pointed towards the living room where Reed and Alexis were laughing up a storm. Without another word, she grinned and disappeared.

"Please," Sean motioned towards my chair. "I hear sitting is more comfortable than hovering."

For the longest time I 'hovered' over my chair, wondering what he could possibly have to say to me after hearing that I wasn't the least bit interested in him. "I have to go Sean."

Raising a brow, he asked me if I was really like that. "Like what?"

"Ignore me because I overheard you say something that you obviously weren't planning on telling me to my face."

"What?" I almost laughed. "Sean how many times - how many ways - do I have to tell you that I'm not interested?"

Finally releasing my wrist, Sean leaned back in his chair. "Janie are you saying that you never felt anything?"

"Felt anything? When Sean?"

With a smile, he reminded me of the day I twisted my ankle. "We both know that if I would've joined you on your bed and gave you the kiss you were begging for with your eyes, you wouldn't have stopped me."

I tried to deny it but there was a part of me that knew he was right; I wouldn't have shoved him away that night at all. "But that doesn't mean that I like you or anything."

He laughed, a soft sort of chuckle almost. "You often go around gazing up at men, begging to be kissed?"

"I don't go around begging to be kissed," I hissed. "And I didn't do it that day either."

It has been a while since that day and yet Sean hasn't gotten the idea. I really don't know what to do about him. I like him, I do but just not that way. How do I tell him to back off and try being my friend?

News

I have decided to suspend this blog for the remainder of this month. During this time I will be making the decision of whether or not I can really continue it, or if it's time to stick a fork in it and call it done. I will be doing the same with Tanner's blog as well because, as you all know, I've been slacking with these blogs because I've been having issues 'feeling' them. By March 1st I'll let you all know what I've decided to do.

Thank you for all your support since this blog began.

Angela

Surprising Information

This weekend I spent a lot of time over at Amber's, she had called me up to go through bridal magazines with her. "I think Reed is tired of hearing about the wedding details," she chuckled as she pushed an open magazine across the table towards me. "He tells me I talk about it in my sleep."

I glanced towards the living room where Reed was playing dolls with Alexis on the floor. "I'm sure he just can't wait for the day to come," I looked at her. "Has he tried to convince you to move it up from September?"

She nodded slowly, "I think I'll give in though and get married sooner."

"What?" I stared at her in disbelief. "You've been talking about a September wedding as long as I've known you. Why would you want to move it up?"

"Well," she turned to watch Reed and Alexis for a second before returning to me. "I don't want to be as big as a house in my wedding photos."

I frowned, "As big as a..." my eyes widened. "You're pregnant?"

"Yes!" She squealed in excitement. "I took a test this morning, it was positive. Reed wants to wait until I see a doctor before telling our parents but..."

"This is awesome!" I exclaimed as I gave her the biggest hug.

"I know," she hugged me back. "I'm so happy right now."

"I bet you are," I couldn't help grinning like an idiot, her happiness was infectious. "I bet Reed is too." We both turned towards the living room, Reed was now watching the two of us with an amused look on his face.

"He didn't believe me when I told him," she told me. "He demanded to see the test so I brought him into the bathroom and showed him. He stood there for the longest time, staring down at the test, I thought he was upset because he didn't say anything to me. Finally, he turned towards me and pulled me into his arms. His voice broke as he told me how much he loved me and how happy I make him."

"He cried?" I thought that was the most amazing thing ever.

"Yes," she nodded. "He had missed out on being there for Alexis, the idea of being here for our second baby got to him."

I could understand how it would be an emotional moment for both of them, they worked so hard to be where they are today and their upcoming wedding and arrival of their second baby was very much deserved. "I'm so happy for you," I told her. "And a little jealous."

Amber laughed, "Janie you can be as happy as Reed and I are, all you have to do is figure out what it is that would make you happy."

Since the day at the restaurant, I've been spending a lot of time thinking about where I am in my life and where I want to be. I know I'm still very young and I don't have to have my life planned out completely right now but I feel that if I don't start getting serious about what I want, I'll end up with nothing.

"I know," I slumped back down into my chair. "I've been thinking about a lot of stuff since the fire."

"Like what?"

"That life's too short, for starters." Amber agreed with me and then asked me what else I was thinking about. "I've been thinking that I don't want to end up like my parents, pretending that I care about someone when I don't. I don't want to end up alone and miserable like my mom did. I don't want to be the one who causes someone else to go off the deep end either."

"Just because your parents are like that Janie, it doesn't mean that you will be."

"I'm not so sure," I told her. "I've already made a mess of the relationships I've been in."

"No," she shook her head. "You haven't Janie."

"No?" I laughed. "What about Cary? I told him I would marry him when I didn't love him and I ended up hurting him when I slept with Devon. And Devon!" I shook my head helplessly. "I can't get that man out of my head at all and we've been nothing but toxic to each other for so long."

"I thought things have been different lately," Amber stated. "I thought Devon was being supportive and caring like you needed him to be."

"He is, I've told him that too." When she gave me a questioning look, I told her about the day Sean came by the office and we ran into Devon at lunch. "Devon was amazing that day, I thought he would freak because Sean has been ribbing him every chance he gets but he was so cool."

"Janie," Amber glanced away from me, sighed and then looked back. "I have to admit that I don't like whatever it is that is going on with you and Sean. Not only does it have the chance to hurt you, this relationship can hurt many people I care about, especially Reed. Now," she held up her hands as I started to protest. "I'm not saying that you can't see Sean, that's totally up to you. I just want you to know that I love you and I'm behind you, but I'm scared because both guys are so close to Reed."

My first thought was to tell her that this wasn't about her or her precious Reed but I didn't because I knew what she meant. No matter what, they would be affected if I got involved with Sean.

I started to laugh and Amber got all upset. "It's not funny Janie! You know how close Reed and Devon are, they are like brothers! And Sean, well, he is Reed's brother."

I held up my hands in mock surrender. "Amber!" I choked out as I tried to control my laughter. "You have nothing to worry about."

"I don't?" She didn't look convinced. "I think I do if you are going out for lunch with Sean during the day and having dinner with Devon at night."

"No you don't," I insisted.

"Why don't I?"

"Don't be stupid Amber, it's not who you are."

"Janie," she glared at me. "I'm not being stupid, I don't know what you mean."

"I'm not going out with Sean," I informed her. "I'll never be going out with Sean, I don't care for him that way at all. As far as I'm concerned, he's just Reed's brother and your soon to be brother in law but nothing - and I mean nothing at all - to me."

I thought Amber would be happy about that but she looked horrified as she looked over my shoulder. I had a sinking feeling I knew what I would see before I even turned around but that didn't stop me from looking behind me to see Sean frozen in spot just outside the kitchen.

Nervousness

"Janie? Baby are you there?" Devon's concerned voice came over the phone.

"Yeah," I shook my head in confusion, "I'm here."

"Oh, for a moment there, I thought you hung up or something. You didn't answer my question," he informed me.

"What?" I frowned, I was pretty damn sure I was the last one to say something and he had yet to say something about it.

"I asked you how you could be sure I wasn't the same man," he paused and then told me that I went silent.

What? I told you I loved you! I found myself thinking. "I replied," I told him curtly.

"No Janie, you didn't, that's why I asked if you were still there."

"But I just..." Did I?

"You just what Janie?" He was starting to sound a little impatient. "Are you going to answer my question?"

"I..." Now that I realized that whole telling him I loved him was all in my head, I felt a little weird about saying it like this. I didn't want him to misunderstand what I meant or think that I just said it to make him believe that he's changed. So I copped out and told him something else. "I think I should know, more than anyone else, whether you have changed or not Devon. I'm telling you, you aren't the same man you used to be and, to be honest, I'm very happy about that."

It sounded lame and I hated that I chickened out.

"Uh oh," he chuckled softly. "Heads up, Sean just left the table; I think he's coming for you."

I hung up from talking to Devon just as there was a knock on the bathroom door. "Janie?" Sean called out to me as he inched the door open. "Are you ok? You've been gone for a while and I...well, I'm hoping you are in there and didn't run out on me." He gave a nervous chuckle and asked, once again, if I was there.

For a moment, I thought about not saying anything to make him think that I did run out. That moment passed and I went over to the door. "I'm here," I peeked through the opening he made. "What are you doing lurking outside the lady's room?"

He smiled, "Just waiting for the prettiest lady I know to come out and finish her lunch."

I rolled my eyes, "Don't get cute with me Sean; I'm still mad at you."

"Janie, I'm sorry. I didn't mean..." He trailed off as an older lady come up wanting in to the bathroom. "Can we talk about this back at our table?" He moved aside for the woman to pass but his eyes remained on me. "Please Janie."

We made our way back to the table, I promised to sit and listen to what he had to say but I didn't think it mattered, I didn't believe there was a thing he could say to make me even the least bit interested in talking to him beyond lunch.

He started talking - just telling me things about himself - his earliest memories, his childhood friends, how he felt about his parents divorce and how he knew he didn't fit in with his family. "I just thought that every one felt that way but when I found out I was adopted, it all made sense." He sighed, "Some times I wish I didn't know that I was adopted, maybe life wouldn't have seemed like it was all a lie."

"Finding out you were adopted doesn't make the life you led a lie Sean."

"How do you know?" He asked, "You don't know what it's -"

"Actually," I reached across the table and touched his hand. I don't know why I did it, I'm still wondering. I think, maybe, it was to convey that I did know how he felt. "I was adopted," I told him. "I don't know who my real parents are and, as you know, I lost the only mom I had."

"Oh," he looked at me, his surprised expression quickly faded into a grimace. "That's why you flipped on me Christmas Day, wasn't it? There I was bitching about not feeling like I belonged and missing my adoptive family when you..."

"Don't have anyone?" I finished for him.

"Well," he leaned in as he took my hand in his. "You have so many people who care about you Janie." He paused for a beat, "Including me."

"Sean..."

"Janie..."

I pulled my hand out of his and leaned back in my chair, "Don't make fun of me."

"I wouldn't dream of it," he leaned back and crossed his arms.

"You are doing it again!"

"Janie!" He groaned, "Would you stop it? I'm not making fun of you."

"Yes you are!" I insisted. "You are doing it right now and you do it every time you call me 'Spitfire'."

"No," he shook his head. "That's not me making fun of you, that's you making me nervous."

"Yeah, right," I scoffed. "Why would you possibly be nervous around me Sean?"

"Oh I don't know," he glanced away and then turned back to stare at me. "I wish I knew why I can't get you out of my head. I wish I could forget about you because, let's face it, you are way too young for me but..." he bit his lip as he shook his head. "I still kick myself for not kissing you when I had the chance."

Bathroom Confessions

I was preparing for the worst when Devon walked over to our table. I knew that he wasn't Sean's biggest fan and I thought for sure that seeing me with him would set him off on some kind of anger induced rage.

When Devon came to our table, he greeted Sean politely and asked how he was doing. "How is the job going? Keeping busy?"

"I have no complaints," Sean replied.

"Good, good," he was talking to Sean but he was looking at me. "Hello Janie," he flashed me that 'oh so sexy, heart melting' smile of his as he slowly squat down next to my chair. With one hand resting on the back of my chair, he told me that he called my office just before he came out for lunch. "I was wondering if you got my message."

"Your message?" I frowned. "I haven't called the office Devon."

"No," he chuckled, "my text message? My response to your message earlier."

"Oh," I shook my head. "No, I didn't what did it say?" I asked as I reached for my purse to pull out my cell. I had texted him earlier to see if he was going to call me that night like he had for the last few nights; we hadn't had many opportunities to spend anytime together lately. In fact, this was the first time I've seen him face to face in a while. I missed him so much.

As I flipped my phone open and pressed 'ok' to see his message, he told me that he wasn't able to make the call tonight. My heart dropped. "Read the message," he patted my leg. "I look forward to getting your response."

Without saying another word about the text, he stood up and told us to enjoy our meal. I watched him walk over to his table, totally hurt that I wouldn't be hearing from him that night and upset that he didn't even tell me why.

"Why don't you put your phone away?" Sean reached across the table in an attempt to remove my phone from my hand.

"Hey!" I pulled it out of his reach at the last second, "I'll put it away when I'm done," I told him. My eyes slid downwards until they were staring straight at the tiny screen and the words Devon sent me over an hour earlier, "Tonight I would like to do something a little different Janie. Will 6 be too early to pick you up?"

I couldn't help the grin that spread across my face as I lifted my head to look towards Devon's table; he was deep in conversation with his lunch partner, he didn't see me look over at him. Turning back to my phone, I pressed a few buttons, typing out "6 sounds good to me. Should I wear anything special?"

A few seconds after I sent the message, my phone beeped to let me know I had a new text - "Just the smile you have on your face now."

I was just about to hit the 'reply' when Sean asked me if I was going to spend all of lunch on my phone with Devon. "If I was an insecure guy Janie, you would be crushing my ego right now."

"For some reason I don't think it would have any effect on you Sean."

"No?" He raised a brow. "You don't think that it's bruising to the ego to be ignored while out to lunch with a beautiful woman?"

"I'm not ignoring you."

"Oh I think you are, at least since Devon waltzed over here."

"Well it's not like I wanted to do lunch with you." The second those words left my lips, I wished that I could take them back.

"Of course not," Sean agreed. "You'd rather spend your day texting back and forth with Devon."

"Why are you being like this?"

"Oh I don't know," he shrugged. "I guess it's the first time I've been told I wasn't good enough because I don't swim in pools of money."

"What?" I stared, open mouthed at him. "How dare you say that? You don't know a damn thing about me if you think your wallet would be all of interest to me!" I tossed my napkin on the table and pushed out my chair. "And for your information Sean, you are a 'Johnson', that name screams money in this town!"

I had to get away from him before I left my hand print on his cheek. I stood up, grabbed my purse and stomped off towards the back of the restaurant where the bathrooms were located.

For a couple minutes, I paced the floor, trying to calm down enough to go out and finish my lunch without killing Sean for suggesting I was a gold digging whore. How dare he? He didn't know me! If I was a gold digger, then what the hell was I doing with Cary? He didn't have any money and I still loved being with him.

"I'm not a gold digger," I snapped at my reflection. "I can't help it that Devon comes from money, that's not why I like him."

Ring. Ring.

"Speak of the devil," I muttered before answering my cell. "What's up Devon?" I tried not to sound upset but it didn't work.

"What happened?" He asked me. "I looked over, you were gone and Sean had this stupid look on his face. I recognized the look; it's one I've had numerous times when I upset you." He chuckled softly and then asked what Sean did to piss me off.

"Oh nothing," I replied nonchalantly. "I just love it when people tell me I'm a gold digger. Makes me very happy."

"What?" Devon laughed. "You? A gold digger? Baby if that were true, why aren't you in my arms right now? I'll let you have all my money in exchange."

"I'm not a gold digger Devon!"

"Janie I know that, everyone who knows you knows that. Why does Sean think you are?"

I leaned back against the sink and sighed. "I think he's interested in me and believes that the only reason I won't go out with him is because he doesn't 'swim in pools of money'."

"Oh," Devon's tone changed. "You told him that wasn't why you wouldn't go out with him?"

"I shouldn't have to give him a reason Devon! If I don't to go out with him, I shouldn't have to justify why. I don't care what Lenore says or does, it's just not going to happen."

"Whoa, hold on a minute. Lenore? How does she enter into this?" I told him I didn't want to get into it but he insisted that I tell him. "You can't just say something like that and not expand on it Janie. What does Lenore have to do with any of this?"

"Nothing," I told him. "She just thought it would be nice if I asked Sean out."

"Uh huh," he didn't sound like he was convinced. "I'm sure she said more than that Janie; just tell me what it was."

"Fine," I sighed. "She doesn't think that I should date you because I've given you many chances and you ended up breaking my heart every single time. I told her that wasn't true and it didn't matter because I believe you have changed a lot in the last couple months; there are things you say and do now that you wouldn't even think of doing before. I told her I wasn't interested in seeing anyone else but she seems to think that I should date other guys, namely Sean."

I waited but there was nothing but the sound of his breathing on the other end of the line. Fumbling with the cold water tap, I said his name. "Please say something," I begged.

"Maybe she's right Janie," he said finally.

"No!" I cried. "She's not right Devon! I don't want to-"

"Janie, Lenore is right; I have hurt you over and over again. Maybe I won't this time, I don't want too, but maybe I really haven't changed that much."

"Devon don't say that, you have changed, you aren't the same man you were when we were together before."

"What if I am Janie?"

"No," I shook my head. "You aren't, I know you aren't. The man you were before wouldn't have let me stay with him and not expect me to put out. The man you were before wouldn't have taken the high road every single time another man challenged your role in my life. The man -"

"Janie I'm still the same Devon I've always been."

"No, you aren't."

"How can you be sure Janie?"

I lowered my head to gather the courage to say what my heart had been screaming for months now. Taking a deep breath, I lifted my head confidently and spoke clearing into the phone, "I didn't love that man as much as I love you right now."