I Suppose That's How It Goes

No Going Back

2008-06-10T10:38:00.000-07:00

It surprised me, his reaction to the blonde telling him to tell the truth. When she spoke those words, I expected him to look guilty but he didn't. It was like deja vu. It was the evening that I went to the hospital to bring Alexis to see her parents, only to end up taking Sean out for dinner and 'catching' Devon with another women. Of course she ended up being his cousin, one I hung out with before.

So intend of letting my insane jealous take hold of the blonde's comment and twist it to suit my insecurities, I watched him. Waiting for him to do something. Waiting for the right moment to satisfy my curiosity - a moment where I wasn't too sensitive so I wouldn't over react.

As she walked away, his eyes were on me. When she spoke, he acknowledged her with a nod only. Like I already said, he didn't look the least bit worried or guilty. He smiled when my eyes met his. "Would you like to go inside Janie?"

"Yes," I nodded. "I don't think it's wise to do this in full view of your neighbours."

With a slight nod, Devon motioned towards the open front door and waited until I moved for it before he started in after me.

"Would you like something to drink?" He hovered near the couch as I sat down.

"Sure," I said with a slight shrug of my shoulders. Personally I didn't need anything to drink but I thought it would be a good idea to have something in my hands as we worked through what was ahead of us.

"Ok." He turned quickly and hurried off into the kitchen. Just after he disappeared, I heard the fridge door open and then close. Seconds later, I heard a couple cupboard doors being opened and closed as well.

A few minutes passed by since the last door closed before Devon resurfaced. "So, ummm." He ran a hand through his hair and gave me an apologetic look. "I don't have anything to drink besides tap water and -" He made a face. "You aren't drinking that."

"It's ok."

"No, no." He came over to sit next to me on the couch. "I haven't been here, that's why there's nothing here."

"I know Devon. I don't need something to drink. I'm fine."

"Are you sure?" He asked. "We could go out, grab something to - Oh! Ice cream!" His eyes lit up. "Do you want to get out for ice cream? We could go to Dairy Queen, get you that brownie quake thing that you love so much. Want do you say?"

I was about to say 'no' when DQ images flashed through my head. "You know what?" I slid to the edge of the couch. "Ice cream sounds perfect." As I stood before him I told him about the recent DQ commercial that I saw on TV. "It looked so amazing Devon - the chocolate covered strawberry sundae - I was so close to actually licking my TV screen."

Devon laughed. "Well how about we get you a spoon and a little ice cream for you to lick? I'm betting it'll taste better than the TV screen."

As we walked out of his place and started towards his car, I told him about the fresh baked waffle bowl dipped in chocolate before it's filled with yummy soft serve ice cream then smothered in strawberries and chocolate fudge.

"And there's whip cream too," I exclaimed with a laugh.

"Sounds good." Devon held up his keys to unlock the doors with the remote.

"Hey Devon?" I turned to him, my hand automatically went to his shoulder - it was a long reach since he is a good foot taller than me. He paused, his eyebrow rose. "Do you want to walk there?"

It was a fairly nice night. The mosquitoes weren't out in full force, there was only a light breeze and the sun had settled off in the distance making for a beautiful reddish purple sky.

There was a brief moment when I saw shock in his eyes but he quickly recovered and nodded slowly. "Yeah, sure." He hit the button on his remote to lock his doors again.

I was so certain I saw a smile on his face when he turned to lock his car but it was gone. Without a word, he motioned me forward and soon fell into place next to me as I made my way down to the sidewalk. Movement on the front porch on a house half a block down from Devon's caught my eye. I tried not to stare at the couple relaxing in each other's arms but I couldn't help it the woman looked very familiar.

We were almost in front of their house when I realized why she looked familiar - she was the woman who was all over Devon not even a half hour before. I watched her laugh at something the guy she was with said and I wondered what was going on. One glance sideways told me that Devon saw them as well, but he didn't seemed too surprised nor did he seem to care.

I wanted to ask him what she was talking about when she left but something told me that I would find out soon.

"I'm thinking I'll get a banana split."

"Oh? Not going to try the waffle sundae with me?"

His mouth turned up in the corners. He tilted his head in my direction and in his sexiest voice, he asked me if I would let him have a taste. "Maybe." I started to walk faster. "If you step up the pace - Grandpa!"

"Oh ho!" Devon laughed. "Me? Grandpa? I don't think so!" He lunged for me and I barely escaped his hands. "Gonna make me chase you now?" He asked as I started to jog down the sidewalk.

"Damn right!" I threw over my shoulder.

"Better run Janie," he called after me. "When I catch you, I'm not letting you go!"

It was pointless to run away from him, I knew this - Devon was in great shape, he worked out often. But it was fun and the idea of him 'catching' me was exciting to say the least.

"Gotcha!" He shouted just before he tackled me to the ground. Laughing and rolling around on the grass, I ended up on top of him, staring down into his eyes. "I caught you," he said softly.

I couldn't help but smile. "You did. Now what are you going to do with me?"

"That's up to you Janie."

"It is?"

He nodded.

"Hmmm." I looked away from him. A million thought ran through my head but there was one easy one that was sitting right at the front of my mind. Turning my eyes back to his, I smiled. "Take me for ice cream."

Devon rubbed his hands over my thighs. "Done."

A half hour later we were walked back from DQ with our ice cream treats in our hands. The walk back to his place was a slow one and as we eat our ice cream, I asked him where he was. "You just disappeared. You had everyone worried Devon."

"Went to visit my grandmother."

"What?" I frowned. "Why didn't she say anything?"

"I asked her not to." He told me. "I told her that I needed some quite time to figure out what I was doing and she told me that she didn't see me."

He went on to tell me that, while he was there, he unloaded everything onto his grandmother. "You would get along with her Janie. Like you, she knows how I work. She knows when I'm being true."

"Did your grandmother tell you to come home?" I tried hard to ignore that last part but it wasn't that easy.

He nodded. "Yeah, she told me that running away from my feelings won't make them go away."

"Oh -" I glanced in his direction only to find out he wasn't there; he stopped a couple steps back. "What are you doing?"

"I love you." He told me in his matter-of-fact tone. "I'm tired of running from it. I thought it was time to come back and face you - to settle this one way or another."

"Settle this?" I stared at him. "You talk about it like it's some kind of fight."

"Some times it feels like it Janie. Some times I feel like I have to fight against your demons."

I turned away from him.

"Janie please don't -"

"No," I shrugged off the hand that he placed on my shoulder. "You're right." Devon started to speak but I cut him off. "Let's go back to your place." I glanced over my shoulder. "We really need to talk."

Back at his place, we sat on the couch together and finished our ice cream in silence. Once the containers were disposed of, we faced each other. I was trying to get my thoughts in order before I laid everything out on the table but I found that it wasn't as easy as I hoped it would be.

I was still unsure how to say what I needed to.

Then I remembered the email I wrote, it would be a good place to start. "Read your email," I told him.

Ten minutes later, he closed his laptop and turned back to me; his lips parted.

"Don't say anything." I jumped in. "I have a few things to say first."

Taking a deep breath, I sighed. "I've been thinking about our relationship ever since that night. We've never been able to have a decent relationship from the beginning. Every time I found out you cheated on me, I swore that I would never let it happen again. I would leave, you would find me whenever the latest chick bored you and I would take you back - only to have it happen all over again."

Devon lowered his head. "Janie..."

"Devon please, just let me talk please?"

"Ok," he waved for me to continue.

"I took you back because I believed that you cared about me and that you would be true to your word when you said it wouldn't happen again. Of course, when it did happen again, my heart would break a little more until I couldn't take it anymore."

"When Amber came back into Reed's life."

"Yes," I agreed. "When Amber came back and unknowingly showed me how stupid I was being for letting you walk all over me."

He dropped his head into his hands.

"I hated myself so much. I had become the one person I didn't want to be - a broken woman who was making excuses for a man who shouldn't have needed them. I was my mom."

"You aren't your mom."

"No," I agreed. "I'm not. I got out before I couldn't."

Devon sat up straight, ran his hands over his face and then, with a sigh, he sunk back against the couch. "I never meant to hurt you Janie."

"I don't think you really cared at the time Devon."

He started to argue.

"Devon please, it doesn't matter now."

"Yeah, it does. If you are talking about it now, it still matters."

I gave him that. It did matter but it didn't seem to be that big of a deal to me anymore. "Fine," I told him. "It matters. I can't see you with another woman without wondering if there is something going on. It doesn't even matter who it is either - I use to think that you were after Amber. It hurts. It makes me insanely jealous. It makes me doubt everything that has changed in the last year or so with you."

"You have every right to doubt me Janie, I know I haven't been perfect in the past but I swear, I'm not that guy anymore. I want more out of life than just a one night stand."

"Do you?"

"Yes, I want more."

"I find it hard to believe when you had that chick all over you earlier." He rolled his eyes. "What did she mean by telling me the truth Devon? And why did she leave here to go cuddle with some guy on the front porch down the street?"

"My only mistake is that I'm a moron."

"What did you do?"

He shook his head. "Marty is a friend - well, she's the wife of a friend, Dale."

I gasped. "You are fooling around with a friend's wife?"

"No!" He exclaimed. "I'm not fooling around with anyone! She knows our story; Dale told her. She told me that she didn't understand why you weren't giving me a chance because even she saw the chance in me over the last year. She must've saw you come in and decided that she was going to do something about it."

"So she came over here and flirted with you? Crawled all over you like you were a rug? And her husband is fine with that?"

"I don't know!" He stared at me helplessly. "Janie I swear I haven't been with anyone or even thought about being with anyone. I love you, I want you and no one else is going to do."

"I know what you mean," I said quietly.

"What?" His brow wrinkled as he gazed down at me. "What are you saying Janie?"

Taking his hand, I met his gaze. "You have changed Devon, I know this. I saw it when you helped me when my mom died. I see it every time you play with Alexis. You aren't the jerk who broke my heart all the time."

"But with that said, I can't help but be insecure. I see you with another woman and I wonder. I can't help it. I want to trust you but trusting you would mean letting you in again. And I want to do that but every time I think I can, all those old feelings of betrayal come back and I pull back."

"I'm not sure if I'll ever be the secure woman you want. I don't know if I'll ever get over the jealously that I feel when another woman is around you. You are a handsome man Devon - and wealthy - women will always be after you and I don't know if I can handle that."

"Are you going to throw all that could be with us away over some woman who might hit on me?" When I didn't reply he groaned. "Janie that's crazy! I love you! I don't want anyone else. I will never want anyone else. I-"

Reaching out, I grabbed his shirt and pulled him to me. "You miss understand me Devon. I wasn't giving you reasons why we shouldn't be together. I was telling you all the reasons why this wouldn't be easy."

"Janie..." his tongue slid slowly over his lips. "What are you saying?"

"Devon," I gazed into his eyes. "I'm saying that I'm not perfect and I'll probably overreact at times but I don't -" I glanced down at his lips briefly before returning to his eyes. "I don't want to be without you Devon. I love you and I want to give us a chance." With a chuckle, I said, "I want to be your girl Devon."

He didn't react for the longest time and I thought I shocked him into some sort of strange trance.

"Devon did you hear me?"

He blinked a couple times before nodding.

"Are you going to say anything?"

Again, he nodded.

"Well?" I chuckled nervously.

He started to shake his head. "I..." He chuckled. "I..." His mouth moved but no sounds came out as he grabbed me and pulled me into his arms - squeezing me so hard, I thought I would burst. "Thank you," he whispered. "Thank you for loving me."

====

It's been a couple weeks since that night and I'm proud to say that things with Devon are going great. Sure, I've felt a tinge of jealousy every now and then but he has done everything in his power to ensure that he is never in a position where he has to explain his actions.

We were over to see Amber and Reed last night. It was great to spend time with them as a 'couple'. While Reed and Devon were playing with Alexis in the living room, Amber and I were seated in the kitchen.

"So this is getting pretty serious, isn't it Janie?"

I nodded. "He's always talking about the future - our future together."

"That's great!" Amber squealed. Then, in a low voice, she asked me something I didn't think would ever come out of her mouth. "Are you going to elope with Reed and me next month?"

"Elope?" I laughed. "Devon and I are no where near that step and besides -" I gave her a questioning look. "Since when did you decided to skip the huge family wedding to elope?"

She shrugged, "I don't care how we do it anymore, I just want to be Mrs Reed Johnson now!"

"I know the feeling." Reed slipped onto the chair next to Amber. "Maybe I'll get some of that obeying happening once we tie the knot."

Amber patted his cheek lovingly. "Dream on Reed, dream on."

While Reed and Amber flirted, I excused myself and wandered into the living room where Devon was laying on his stomach talking to Alexis as she played with a doll that we brought her. "...and hopefully, one day, Aunt Janie and I will be lucky enough to have a daughter as cute as you."

When Devon said my name, Alexis looked up at me. "A'nt 'anie!"

"Hi Sweetiepie." I got down on the floor with them. "Are you having a good time with Uncle Devon?"

She started to babble something about Devon. It was so cute, I watched her with a smile the entire time.

"Lexi." Reed called out as him and Amber came into the living room. "Time for bed - give kisses and say good night."

Once Alexis gave out kisses to Devon and I, she ran over to her parents. "I wan up."

"We'll be back in a minute," Amber told us as she followed Reed down the hallway to Alexis' room to tuck her in for the night.

"Hey," Devon tapped my arm. When I smiled at him, he rolled over and placed his head on my lap. "I'm happy."

"Yeah?" I grinned. "I'm happy too."

"I'm glad we have this a chance." He tilted his head back to gaze up at me. "Come here." He reached up and wrapped his arms around my back.

====

I have no idea what the future holds for me but I know I can't wait to find out.

At The Front Door

2008-06-09T08:42:00.000-07:00

It seems like time has flown by since the night I went over to Devon's. I went over there with the intention of finding something, or doing something to make him come home.

As you all know, I didn't find him, instead I spotted his laptop and decided to email him. I poured my heart out into an email that I really didn't think I would be around to see him read - let alone spill to him the moment I saw him wrapped up in another chick.

OK, to be honest, he wasn't wrapped up in her, he actually looked a little bored with her. Or maybe that's what I wanted to see. Who really knows?

All I know is that I was the one he didn't want to leave that night. I was the one he was spending time with. I was the woman who's hand was in his. I was the women he wanted be to with.

And, since I'm being honest, despite the troubles in our past and the uncertainty of our future, I wanted to be with him. Call me crazy, but I don't care. I meant what I said in the email to him.

"Janie?" Devon crouched down until he was eye to eye with me. He chuckled nervously, something I barely ever heard him do.

He didn't push me. After the initial 'can I go with you?' Devon didn't ask or beg or anything - he waited. Waited for me to utter something to give him hope.

"Devon...." I let out the breath I was apparently holding. It was a big moment for me, to admit that I wanted someone by my side, I wanted to say the right thing. I wanted it to be perfect. Well, as perfect as possible.

The front door opened and the blonde poked her head out. "Devon are you coming in?"

I yanked my hand back and turned away from them. I wanted to walk away but I just couldn't do it, I didn't want anything to happen between them. I didn't want her to think that if I left it meant she had a free pass with my man.

That's right, I said it 'my' man.

And as soon as the little skank was out of the way, I planned on telling him. "I think it's time to go home," I said over my shoulder.

"No!" Devon exclaimed as I felt him move in behind me. "Janie we need -"

Looking over my shoulder, I stared past him, to her. "It's time for you to go home."

She started to sputter, asking me who I thought I was.

I resisted the urge to turn around and rise to the bait. I didn't need to explain anything to her.

As I stood with my back to them, I heard Devon tell her that I was right, it was time for her to go home.

"Are you sure?" She asked him.

"Yes," he replied.

"Ok." She walked by me but before she disappeared out of sight, she turned. "Tell her the truth Devon. I'll talk to you later."

Making A Choice

2008-05-23T14:27:00.000-07:00

"Devon." I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. "I just emailed you. I-"

He stepped back and looked around. With a puzzled look on his face, he turned back to me. "Yup, this is my place. What the hell are you doing in there?"

"I had to -"

He held up his hands. "You know what Janie, I really don't care. Just go."

"But we have so much to say and..." I trailed off as a tiny blonde appeared at Devon's side. I watched in horror as she wrapped her arm around him and smiled sweetly at me. I thought I was going to be sick.

"Go inside," he told her.

"What are you doing?" I barely was able to ask him after the chick went inside. "I thought..."

"You thought what Janie? That I would keep coming back after you shut me out over and over again?"

I stared at him. "Yeah," I shrugged. "Silly me, I thought you actually cared about me."

He sighed. "Janie..."

"Go to hell Devon." I pushed passed him. "Just take the blonde ride, she'll get you there."

I started to walk away when I remembered something. Turning around, I forced myself to meet his eyes. "I wrote you an email. I didn't know how to reach you but I figured that you would at least check your email sometime."

"What did you say?"

I chuckled sadly. "I said that I was searching for something." I took a step closer to him. "I wrote that I wanted you to love me and want to be with me because -" It hurt, telling him this when I knew that he had given up on me already. The proof was making herself comfortable in his living room as we spoke. "I love you Devon."

"Janie," he reached for me.

"No," I waved my hands in front of me as I tried not to let my emotions get the best of me. "It's just not meant to be, you and me. Maybe it's time we both realized it and stopped fooling ourselves into thinking that we could ever be anything more."

He moved closer to me.

"We keep hurting each other Devon. Since the moment we met, we traded insults and avoided letting our true feelings guide us."

His hands circled around my hips. "I don't want to hurt you," he whispered as he pulled me close.

"I know," I pressed my hands against his chest. "Just like I don't want to hurt you Devon. But we do, we hurt each other and -" I looked over his shoulder at the blonde as she stood in the doorway, watching us. "She's just proof of that."

He didn't even bother to look over his shoulder. "If I was alone, would you be saying this? If I told you nothing has happened? No," he shook his head. "I swear nothing has happened. I just got back to town and I know this looks bad but I -"

I covered his mouth. "It doesn't matter Devon, nothing is ever going to change, no matter how we feel."

Devon pulled my hand away. "I don't believe that Janie. I believe people can change, if they couldn't, then what is it I'm going through?"

"Hormones?" I joked.

"I'm serious Janie."

"But you haven't changed Devon, I thought you did but she's proof that you haven't. If you did, she wouldn't be here with you, no matter if anything happened or not."

The blonde came out of his place. "Nothing has happened between us," she told me. "Devon never even gave me the time of day before I ran into him tonight."

"It doesn't matter why or how -"

"Why not?" She asked me. "Because you are too stupid to give him a chance?"

"You don't know anything about us, so why don't you just shut up."

She shrugged and then smiled. "If you are letting him go, the whole female population of this town will love you for it."

"Well the whole female population can take a flying leap for all I care, this isn't about them!"

"But we still thank you," she turned to Devon. "I'll be inside - waiting for you." She gave me a look, as if she would stick her tongue out at me if she could've gotten away with it.

"Well," I flashed him a fake smile. "I better go so you can get started on pleasing the rest of the female population."

"Hey!" He grabbed my arm. "If you are walking away from me Janie, do it because you don't love me and don't want to be with me, not because you think I care what any other woman wants from me."

"Says the man who has one of those chicks in his living room." I patted his arm. "Do whatever you want Devon."

"Ok."

I blinked, I didn't expect him to agree that quickly. "Oh, ok. I'll be going now. Bye."

"No, not bye." He turned around and shut his front door. "Can I go with you?" He took my hand. "I want to go with you."

I hesitated. I knew this was it. If I walked away from him, it would be over. If I walked away with him, we had a chance to really see how we could be together. I thought about all the times in the past that he hurt me and I thought about what it was like without him. I knew that I could walk away and still go on, I was strong enough to make it over him.

I knew what I had to do.

Reaching Out

2008-05-22T12:12:00.000-07:00

From: Janie Millier
To: Devon Stowe
Subject:

You would think that it would be easy, writing the man you love an email to tell him how much you want him to come home but things are never easy when I'm involved; I make it difficult.

Then again, it's always been difficult between us.

I stepped off the curb, engrossed in the shopping bag that I was carrying. I had just gotten my first paycheck from my horrible waitress job and the first thing on my 'must have' list was a new pair of sneakers so I could hit the walking trail that ran down by the lake in town. I wasn't paying attention, I didn't notice that the little walking guy had stopped flashing.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a flashy red sports car at the same moment I heard the screeching sound of its breaks.

"Hey! You! Get the hell out of the street!" The most gorgeous guy I've ever seen leaned out of the drivers' window. He was so hot, I almost tripped over my feet - that is, until he opened his mouth again. "Your corner is that way!"

I gasped. Sure, I wasn't dressed completely innocently but I'll be damned if I looked like a streetwalker. So me, being the classy broad that I am, I smacked my hand on the hood of his car and yelled, "Why don't you take your 'tiny dick' car and shove it up your ass, prick!"

"Oh Sweetheart, is that the best you can do?" He yelled after me as I turned, and with my nose in the air, I walked away.

His engine revved. The moment I was out of the way of his car, he stomped on the gas and sped away.

Later that night, I was in Amber's room with her getting ready for some party that her new boyfriend, Reed was throwing out at the lake. I was in mid rant about the asshole that almost ran me down when Amber laid down her brush and stared at me. "Janie, do you hear yourself? You walked out into the street, he didn't do it on purpose."

"Oh sure, take his side in this!"

"For the love of God Janie!" Amber scoffed. "I don't even know the guy - hot guy - doesn't actually tell me anything about him."

"Oh who cares?" I gave her a look. "So when are you going to tell me about all of Reed's hot friends? Who should I be looking to hook up with?"

Amber shook her head and chuckled. "Well there's Devon, he's kinda cute."

"Devon?" I raised a brow. "Sounds hot. Single?"

She screwed up her face and shrugged. "It's hard to tell with Devon - he loves women."

"Ohh," I grinned. "Sounds like my kinda guy - the non serious type."

"Uh-huh," Amber shook her head. "Finding a serious guy isn't that horrible Janie."

"No," I agreed. "But Reed is already taken."

Amber scoffed and batted at me. "There are other men out there you know."

"Like Devon!"

I didn't know at the time that my psycho near hit and run driver was Devon and let me tell you, I wasn't too happy when I found out.

"You!"

"Well, well, well..." he took a sip of his beer.

I turned towards Amber. "That's the jerk!"

"Hey!" Devon frowned. "I'm not the one who jumped out into traffic!"

"Whatever!" I rolled my eyes. "Why don't you -"

"Take my 'tiny dick' car and shove it up my ass?" He raised a brow as he smirked.

Some chick came over to us and wrapped herself around Devon. "Baby," she whined. "I thought you were getting me a drink?" She gave me a dirty look. "Lowering your standards Dev?"

Devon left with her shortly after but before he did, he leaned in and whispered. "My cock is anything but tiny Sweetheart." He pulled back and grinned down at me. "Maybe, if I'm feeling charitable, I'll give you a ride one day."

"Maybe," I smiled sweetly. "But I'm not that desperate."

As you all know I was forced to eat those words, time and time again. And to tell the truth, I'm not the least bit sorry about it. Of all the men that I've gone out with, Devon was the one who got me the most.

And he loved me.

My eyes went back to Devon's laptop sitting on the table in front of me.

Enough of this, I grabbed the laptop and put my fingers to the keys.

Subject: A Few Words Too Many

Devon,

I wish that I could go back and tell you what I was thinking the night that Amber called us to let us know about Reed. I've gone over it so many times and I get to the point where I said, 'with Alexis gone, you would have no reason to stay,' and my heart aches.

I didn't mean it the way it sounded. I know this is going to sound crazy but I was searching for something when I said that and I guarantee you it wasn't for you to leave town.

I wanted you to tell me that you loved me and you wanted to be with me. Because Devon, I love you and I want to be with you.

There's nothing else I can say. I love you. I miss you. Please come home so I can tell you to your face.

Janie

I brought the mouse pointer to the send button and I paused. I won't lie, I thought about deleting it but in the end, I closed my eyes and clicked 'send'.

Before the heartache set in, I closed out the window and closed his laptop. Darkness surrounded me as I made my way to the front door.

I pulled the door opened and was about to go through it. "Oh!" I exclaimed as my heart leapt into my throat.

Regrets

2008-05-20T12:26:00.000-07:00

I'm sure there are people who don't think I have the right to be but I'm worried about Devon. Yes, I feel solely responsible for his disappearing. How could I not? I keep thinking if I was honest with him in the beginning and told him that I was weary about being with him again after all that had happened, then maybe he would've understood that my comments weren't meant to say that he didn't have anything to stick around for. I really believe I was asking him if he had anything to stick around for. Because hearing him say that he loved me and wanted to be with me wasn't hint enough that I meant anything to him.

Like I said, I'm an idiot.

Amber, Reed and Kelly have all asked me time and time again if I knew were Devon was or if he had contacted me. I told them that I knew nothing more than they did but they didn't seem to believe me, they thought that I would be the one person he called out of everyone else.

Even his mother has been calling me everyday since he disappeared, asking me to let her know if he calls. "Tell him we miss him Janie. Let him know that we love him and want him to call us."

I didn't have the heart to tell her that I was the last person Devon would reach out to.

The morning before Devon went to visit Reed in the hospital, he made a trip to his bank and withdrew enough money from his account that would allow him to have gone all this time without using either of his credit cards or his debit card. I can't tell you how much his parents were hoping that some sort of paper trail would show up and they would be able to track him down.

They went to his place, hoping to find some clue of where he could've gone but all they found were empty drawers and his cell phone. His mother was certain something bad happened to him while his father kept suggesting that maybe he just needed some time to himself.

Knowing that this was my fault, I felt that I needed to do something - anything - to get him to either call his parents or to come home. So last night, I went over to his place and let myself in with the key that he had given me when I stayed with him - one he insisted I kept.

It seemed wrong to be in his place without him around. I walked through the darkened rooms, cursing the silence and Devon for leaving town.

As I went from one room to another, I had flashes of memories from our time together after my mother died in the fire. I couldn't help the fist that seemed to circle around my heart as I recalled how happy and content I was to share those moments with him.

In his bed room, I made my way to his bed and sat down. I was telling myself that I was trying to get some sense of what had happened the last time he was here but it wasn't true, I just wanted to feel close to him and his room was the last place he spent any real time besides the hospital when he visited Reed.

I missed him. It wasn't that hard to figure that out. It was the only explanation for why I was in his place, sitting on his bed in complete darkness, just to feel some connection to him.

In the darkness, a flashing light in the distance caught my eye. Hesitatantly, I rose from his bed and made my way out of his room and back into the living room where his laptop was sitting on a TV tray table.

When I lived with him, he had told me his password for the laptop so that I could use it when he was at work or out. As I pulled sat down on his couch and pulled the laptop onto my lap, I hoped that he hadn't changed the password. Opening the lid, I waited for the password screen to pop up and let out a sigh of relief when the word I typed in was accepted.

But I didn't know what to do with it once I was into it. I didn't have his passwords to his email or anything private like that.

"This is pointless," I sighed but I couldn't bring myself to shut down his laptop.

I sat there for the longest time, just staring at the picture on his background - me and him sitting in front of the tree we decorated for Christmas. With a shaky hand, I reached out and traced his smiling face with my finger.

"I love you," I whispered softly as I cursed myself for not being able to tell him that when he was with me.

It's Too Late To Apologize

2008-05-18T00:39:00.000-07:00

We were sitting on the couch together, I was trying to ignore the intense, worried look he was giving me as he held my hand in one of his and stroked my cheek as I rested my head against his shoulder.

I was surprised, when I sat down and curled up next to him, he didn't ask again what Amber wanted, he just seemed to do his best to make me feel good. And that made me feel like a bitch.

"Devon?" I tilted my head back to look at him.

He shifted, his hand left mine to slip behind my back; he pulled me closer. "Yes?"

I sighed and closed my eyes. "Amber called to tell us that Reed just opened his eyes."

Every muscle in his body seemed to go rigid. "What did you say?"

With mixed emotions, I opened my eyes again. "Reed's awake."

"I have to call Amber," he said quickly as he pulled away from me, almost knocking me off the couch in the process.

As Devon fumbled with my phone, misdialing a couple times, I rose from the couch and wandered down the hallway to my room. Closing the door softly, I leaned back against it and cursed myself for being so selfish. How much of a bitch was I if I didn't really want my best friend's man to wake up because I wasn't ready to make a decision involving Devon's place in my life?

Devon's excitement about his best friend's change drifted down the hall as I curled up on the bed. I was happy that Reed was awake but inside I was afraid that it would mean that Devon had no reason to stay here anymore and that he would realize that what he was feeling wasn't real but only the affects of thinking he had to do something that Reed couldn't do for Amber.

I know, it didn't make sense to me either.

Tears ran down my cheeks as I thought about being alone in the house once again. I knew in my heart that I didn't want to be alone, otherwise why would I be acting like that. But I wasn't sure if it was for sure that I didn't want to be without Devon. Or maybe I just didn't want to admit that I was in love with the man.

"Janie?" His voice startled me. Half turning towards the door where he stood, I glanced over my shoulder and waited. "Amber said Reed is awake. The doctor came in to check him over and it seems that he is going to be alright, he doesn't remember anything right before the accident though."

"That's great." I smiled half-heartedly. "Amber sounded so happy when I was talking to her but she hadn't talked to the doctor at that point."

"I got to talk to Reed for a second."

"Oh?"

"Yeah," he chuckled softly. "He wanted me to tell you thank you for taking care of Alexis so Amber didn't wear herself out worrying about the both of them."

I didn't say anything as I turned back to press my face into my pillow.

"Janie?" I heard him approach my bed and felt the mattress shift under his weight as he moved to lay behind me. "Tell me what's wrong?"

I shook me head, about to tell him it was nothing when he stopped me. "I know it's something, otherwise you would be jumping off the walls at the news that Reed is awake." His hand trailed over my arm until his hand came to curl around mine on the pillow in front of me. "Come on Janie, you know you can tell me."

After taking a couple deep breathes, I turned my head until I could see Devon's outline in the moonlight. Before I could say anything, he rose to his elbow and looked down at me. "I'm happy that Reed's awake," I told him. "I've wished for nothing more in the last couple months."

"Me too," he admitted.

I nodded slowly. "I know Devon."

"I don't understand what's going on Janie. If you are happy that he's awake, why doesn't it seem that way? Why aren't you wanting to celebrate like I am?"

I started to shrugged but stopped. "I'm happy but I'm also sad." He asked me why and I told him that with Reed awake, they didn't need me to watch Alexis anymore. "I know it's wrong of me, but I was enjoying being needed like that. I just started to become confident that I could take care of her. And now she has to go back home. I'm going to miss her."

With a sigh, Devon dropped to the mattress and took me in his arms. "Baby you know she isn't going to be going home just yet -"

"What do you mean? Amber and Reed are going to want her back right away Devon, she's their little girl."

"Yeah, I know that," he kissed my shoulder. "But right now Reed is still in the hospital and Amber will stay there with him until he's released. When they go home, they might need a day or so before -"

"No," I cut him off. "Amber told me tonight that she wanted me to bring Alexis to the hospital tomorrow."

"To visit Reed because he wants to see her but not to stay."

I shook my head. "Amber told me she misses Alexis and can't wait to take her home - tomorrow."

"Oh."

"Yeah," I pulled away from him. "So I guess that means that tomorrow night I'll be alone for the first time since the accident."

"Why do you say that?"

"Well, with Alexis gone, you'll have no reason to stick around."

I didn't think it was possible but I think I hurt him. As soon as the words I spoke sunk in, he rolled off the bed and stomped out of my room.

His, "I guess not," has been echoing around inside my head since that night. I wish I could say that I've seen him and had a chance to take it back but I haven't. No one has. Not since he stopped into see Reed the day after he woke up.

I'm such an idiot.

Just A Little Piece

2008-05-10T12:59:00.000-07:00

I told Devon that I needed some time and asked him to leave again but he refused. He asked me how I could ask him to leave when I knew in my heart that I loved him just as much as he loved me.

"I don't want to leave because I'm afraid that you won't let me back in," he confessed when I didn't reply to his comment. "I don't know what I was thinking before Janie, but I know now that being without you sucks."

When I didn't say anything, he sighed. "Just let me stay," he begged. "I'll sleep on the couch. You don't even have to acknowledge me. Just don't make me go."

This was a side of him that I never seen before. I never heard him beg, I never saw him plead and I certainly never recall a moment when he would've been alright if I ignored him.

So that's what we did. He slept on my couch and I pretended to be ignoring him but to tell you the truth, I was more aware of him than ever before.

I'm not really sure how long he was camped on my couch and no, I didn't pretend that he wasn't there are all times - we spoke in the morning and watched TV together after Alexis was in bed. We fell into a routine and I became so use to him being there when I got home that when I hung up the phone two nights ago, I wanted to cry.

Devon was laying on the couch, watching some program on Discovery, when I hung up the phone. "Are you ok Janie?"

I couldn't form a complete sentence for the life of me.

"Janie?" He jumped off the couch and was at my side in no time. "Who was on the phone?"

Slowly, I turned my head upwards to face him. "That was Amber."

"Amber? How is -?" All the color ran from his face. "I think I should sit down."

"Devon..." I followed him back to the couch, where I watched him sit stiffly on the cushion. Sighing, I plopped down next to him.

"Is - is...." He shook his head, unable to complete his sentence.

"No!" I exclaimed and wrapped my arm around his back. "No."

"No?" There was such hope in his eyes. "Are you sure? Reed isn't....?" I shook my head. "Then..." he frowned. "Why did - what was with the look Janie?"

Where Did I Go Wrong?

2008-05-07T10:57:00.000-07:00

Devon refused to leave. He told me that until I listened to him, he wasn't going anyway and there was nothing I could do to make him. When I told him I could call the police, he told me to go right ahead. "They'll have to drag me out of here in handcuffs Janie because I'm not about to let you cut me out without hearing me out."

"Here you out?" I scoffed. "What do you think I'm going to do Devon? Stand here and listen to you tell me one lie after another?"

"I-"

"NO!" I snapped. "I had enough of that Devon a long time ago. I can't deal with him anymore. I want you to leave."

"I'm not going anywhere," he told me as I marched past him.

Without saying another word to him, I went directly to my living room and grabbed my phone from it's nest on my end table. Shifting Alexis to my left hip, I pressed the 'talk' button.

"Give me that!" Devon snatched the phone from me and tossed it across the room. "I didn't do anything wrong!"

"Leave me alone!"

"No," he shook his head. "I've done that before and I didn't enjoy it one bit!"

"Yeah?" I angrily brushed my bangs back from my face. "I've done the whole 'I like you but I'm fucking everyone else' thing before too and I hated it. I won't go down that road again Devon."

"I'm not fucking anyone!"

"Well if you aren't, you are thinking about fucking someone else!"

"No," he replied as he took a step towards me, backing me up to the arm of the couch. "I'm not thinking about fucking anyone; I'm thinking about making love to someone."

I turned my head away from him.

"I think about being with her all the time." His breath caressed my cheek as his fingers trailed up and down my arm. "I'd give everything to be with her once again. To feel all the tension drain from her body as she squirms under the pressure of my mouth."

Closing my eyes, I lifted my chin upwards stubbornly but didn't say a word.

His lips brushed gently against my cheek. "I didn't do anything to make you doubt me Janie."

"Huh!" I rolled my eyes. "Are you going to tell me she was nothing? Like you always do."

"No," he said softly.

I opened my eyes and met his. "I can't tell you she was nothing because I never did anything with her." He paused, studying my face. "Didn't you recognize her Janie?"

Frowning, I thought back to what I saw outside the restaurant. To tell the truth, besides knowing that she was blond and she was way too close to him for my liking.

"You didn't," he seemed surprised.

"No," I snapped as I pulled away from him. "Why should I recognize all your whores?"

With a laugh, he told me that in a minute I was going to regret that comment.

"Whatever Devon." I started towards the bedrooms with Alexis.

"Janie it was Laura."

I froze in mid stride. "Laura?" I shot him a look over my shoulder. "I don't believe you, she isn't a blond."

"She is now," he said simply. Reaching into his pocket, he fished out his wallet and pulled out a card. Passing it to me, he told me that I shouldn't be so quick to assume that he was cheating on me. "Especially when you were cozying up with Sean."

Ignoring that comment, I focused on the business card in my hand. My eyes landed on the picture first and then slowly I read the words. He was telling me the truth, it was Laura - his cousin.

"I was supposed to meet with Tom as well," he came up behind me and leaned in over my shoulder. "You remember Tom? Laura's husband?"

I nodded.

"He's a doctor, you know. We were in the middle of talking about the house they were hoping I would design for them when he got a delivery call - he asked me to take Laura home after we were done discussing what she wanted for her home."

I didn't look at him as I passed the card back over my shoulder. "I have to put Alexis down," was all I said before I high tailed it out of my living room.

Needless to say, I felt like an ass for accusing him of cheating.

Will I ever be able to see Devon with another woman and not think he's cheating? I wondered as I cleaned Alexis up and wrestled her into her pjs. I thought I was over it but after what happened, could I ever be over it?

The whole time I was putting Alexis to bed, I thought about how things were with him and how they had been the last couple months. He's changed, you know in your heart he isn't the same man he was before, so why do you get yourself all worked up over nothing?

I didn't have an answer to that when I left Alexis' room. I walked back out into the living room not really sure what I was going to do.

"Devon..."

He looked so hopeful as he stared at me from across the room.

"I'm sorry," I turned away. "I can't do this. Please leave."

"But..." I heard him curse. "This is bullshit Janie! I haven't done anything wrong in a long time but it doesn't matter to you, does it?"

I held up my hands, my eyes were closed tight because I was on the verge of tears. "Please, just go." I begged. "I can't do this, I can't."

When he cursed again, I opened my eyes in time to see him move towards me.

"What are you doing?" I demanded as he bared down on me.

His hands reached me first and then my body crashed against his as he pulled me to him. Before I could do anything - protest or push him away - his lips covered mine and I kissed him back with a force to match his own.

When he pull back a little, we were both shaking. Even his voice was unsteady when he spoke. "Don't send me away please." His tongue flicked over his lips before he continued. "I've been so careful not to do anything stupid to make you doubt me Janie. I need you so much. I - I -"

I raised a brow as he coughed to clear his throat.

"I love you Janie. Really love you."

Face Off

2008-04-25T10:51:00.000-07:00

He just left. He looked guilty. He shook his head. And then I watched him open his door.

But I wouldn't watch him drive away with her. I refused to watch him betray me.

Without a word, I turned and headed back to the restaurant's parking lot. I didn't even bother to see if Sean as following me or not. I really didn't care at that moment, I just wanted to get out of there and get back to Amber. I needed to concentrate on something other than the stabbing pain in my heart.

It hurt, more than anything else I've ever felt. I trusted him. I let him back in and I believed that he had changed, that he loved me and really wanted to be with me. It was all a lie. He was the same self centered jerk that he has always been - screwing with my emotions and not caring that he hurt me.

But what pissed me off the most was the fact that he blew off going to visit his best friend, who could die, to fuck around with that skanky whore. A well dressed, beautiful skanky whore, I thought bitterly. When I started to wonder what she had that I didn't, I knew it was time to shake myself out of it and forget about it for now.

I turned suddenly and grabbed Sean's arm. "Do you think Amber is having a good time with Alexis?"

He nodded, a small smile played on his lips. "I'm sure she is, she's been missing Alexis."

"Yeah." I chuckled sadly. "Alexis has been walking around calling out to both Amber and Reed since I brought her home. Dev -" I stopped short.

"Janie..." Sean's arm wrapped around my shoulder as I tried to fight the tears. "It's ok," he spoke softly. "You'll be ok."

"Ha," I laughed. "I expected some snarky comment from you." From under my lashes, I glanced up at him. "What's wrong?"

With a shrug he told me that I was old enough to take care of myself and nothing he could say would make the situation better. "Although," he paused for a moment. "I will say that I believe Devon is a moron; you are a good person."

I laughed. If I didn't, I probably would've hugged him for not making some snide comment about Devon. "Thanks," I smiled as we approached my car. And then changed the subject. "Back to the hospital?"

A comfortable silence settled over the car on the drive back to the hospital. It was nice, I really wasn't in the mood to say that much.

When we arrived at Reed's room, his parents and Amber's parents' were all gathered around the bed with Amber and Alexis.

"What's going on?" Sean demanded as he hurried over to his brother's side. "Is everything -?"

"His fingers twitched!" Amber exclaimed as she threw her arms around Sean's broad shoulders. "I was sitting here watching Alexis as she laid down with Reed and his hand twitched - twice!"

"Oh my God!" I ran over to them. "That's wonderful! What do the doctors say?"

Amber shook her head, "They tell me not to get too worked up over it, it could be just a muscle thing but -" she turned to gaze adoringly at Reed. "I know he's coming back to us, I just know it!"

It was exciting news and the first thing I thought was, I wish Devon was here to see it, before I could stop myself.

Amber rambled on and on about the spiel the doctors gave her and how exciting it was to see him move something but I barely heard it. I was trying hard not to think about Devon and the blond chick.

An hour later, after promising Amber I would bring Alexis by the next day, I finally was able to leave the hospital.

On the drive home, all I could think about was the struggle ahead of me. About how difficult it would be to get Alexis settled down for the night without Devon there to help me. Alexis loved Devon and she did everything he wanted her to without much fuss.

I wasn't prepared to see Devon's car sitting in my driveway. It actually pissed me off that he had the nerve to show up at my place after I saw him with her. My only hope was that he was grabbing his stuff and would be gone in no time.

My front door swung open as I walked up the path.

"I didn't think you would ever come home," Devon exclaimed as he watched me climb the couple steps to the door. "I've been waiting for an -"

"Don't even," I snapped when he reached out to touch me. "Grab your stuff and get out of my house."

Shocked

2008-04-14T10:39:00.000-07:00

The day that I brought Alexis to the hospital to see her parents, something changed. Everything changed.

Dinner with Sean was different from any other meal I shared with him. After we left the hospital he went quiet, only speaking when he told the waitress what he wanted to drink and eat.

"Ok," I reached across the table and grabbed his hand once the waitress dropped off our meals; I couldn't stand the silence any longer. "Talk to me. Flirt with me. Be rude and annoying, just please talk. The silence is killing me."

Sean ran a hand through his hair and sighed deeply. "Janie, I'm sorry, I'm not really in the mood to laugh and joke around. Not with Reed lying in that bed. Not with my brother missing out on his little girl's life and the love of his fiancee." He pulled his hand out from under mine and sat back in his seat. "Besides, you have a boyfriend and you don't like it when I hit on you." He laughed, "You think it's creepy - I'm so much older than you."

"You aren't that much older than me."

"Ten years." He raised a brow. "That's old enough to make it illegal Janie."

"No," I shook my head. "It's not that bad."

He scoffed. "You say that now but if I were to hit on you, you'd have a different tune." Shaking his head, he told me that he wasn't in the mood to play that game with me. "Let's just eat so I can get back to Amber - she needs me."

"Needs you?" I laughed. "Sean she begged me to get you out of that room - she wanted to be alone with Reed and Alexis."

Sean closed his eyes and sighed. "Do you set out to hurt me? Or are you that much of a bitch?"

"What?" I almost dropped the glass I was holding.

"I can understand being rude while I hit on you but now? When I'm already feeling pretty low?"

"I don't think that makes me a bitch," I replied defensively.

"What do you think it makes you Janie?"

Instead of replying, I stabbed my pasta with my fork.

"Are you not talking to me now?" He asked after a couple minutes.

"Just eat," I mumbled.

While I hated the silence, I was happy for it. I didn't think I was being a bitch, I didn't think I was kicking him while he was down. I was just stating facts. Amber wanted him out of that room. Why would he get mad at me for that? I'm not the one who didn't want him around - this time.

"Ready to go?" Sean asked as the waitress cleared out plates. I shrugged, he sighed. "Come on," he pushed his chair out and stood. "Was there anything else you were suppose to do to keep me out of Reed's room?"

"Sean do you blame her for wanting some time alone with him?" I stood before him and stared up into his eyes. "He's her soul mate Sean, she's lost and lonely without him. She misses the little moments they shared together. I don't blame her for wanting everyone to leave them alone."

"She's not the only one who misses him Janie." I swear that his jaw was trembling but I didn't get a chance to really check it out, he turned away from me.

After paying for our meal, Sean and I made our way out of the restaurant. I started towards my car which was parked at the far end of the crowded parking lot but he stopped me and asked if I would mind just walking with him. "I don't have anywhere to go," he told me. "I don't know anyone - Reed is my only friend in this town."

"That's why you are always at the hospital," I glanced at him. "Isn't it?"

With a shrug, he flashed me a forced smile. "Let's walk," he motioned towards the sidewalk that ran along the side of the restaurant.

We strolled along the sidewalk, side by side but for the amount we spoke to each other, we could've been strangers. Only it wasn't uncomfortable. It was actually the most comfortable I felt with him ever. It was nice for a change.

"Sean," I reached out and touched his arm. I wanted to apologize for my behaviour and I wanted to tell him I could be his friend, if he let me in and stop hitting on me.

But I caught a glimpse of a familiar figure out of the corner of my eye. It was Devon. With his hand planted in the middle of some blonde chick's back as he led her from a building across the street, to his car. I stood, frozen in spot with my mouth hanging open as I watched him open the passenger side door for her. She turned, said something to him and he laughed. She kissed his cheek and he helped her into his car.

"Janie," Sean tugged on my hand as he suggested that we continue walking.

I couldn't move though, my heart was crumbling into a million pieces. I couldn't take my eyes off the smile on his face as he rounded his car.

Just before he opened his car door, he looked up and around. Our eyes met across the busy street and his smile disappeared.

More Babysitting

2008-03-30T07:18:00.001-07:00

I was fine that Devon wasn't going to the hospital with us until I walked up to Reed's door and then I started to curse him for not being there with me. If I didn't have Alexis in my arms, if I didn't tell her that we were going to see her mommy and if we didn't stop at the gift shop to buy a 'get well' card I probably would've turned around and walked away again.

"Are you ready to see mommy?"

Alexis nodded, her mouth opened as she went to stuff the corner of the card in her mouth.

"No," I grabbed the card. "That's for your daddy, remember I told you he was not feeling good?"

She nodded but I don't think she really knew what I was saying.

"Ok." Taking a deep breath, I turned the corner and entered Reed's room. Although I tried to avoid it, the first place my eyes rested was on Reed's battered and bruised body laying under the white hospital sheets. My heart hurt for Amber and Alexis. I started to wonder if it was really a good idea for Alexis to be here. If he dies, then it would be worse if Alexis never got to 'say' bye.

I didn't want to think like that but the longer I looked at him, the more I wondered if he would ever pull out of this. I had to force myself to look away, it was the only way I would stop worrying that he would die.

In the chair on the right side of his bed, Amber sat with her head resting on the mattress at his elbow and her hand under his. She was still, I thought she was sleeping.

"Dada?" Alexis' soft voice broke the silence and caused Amber to jump in her chair. Spinning around, she took one look at Alexis and just started to bawl. I couldn't make out a word she said as she came towards us and reached for Alexis. Once her daughter was in her arms, she turned around and walked back to Reed's side, whispering to Alexis every step of the way.

I watched Amber place Alexis on the bed by Reed's hip and then lift his hand so that Alexis' leg was under it. Alexis tried to kick it off and crawl on Reed but Amber wouldn't let her. "Daddy's not feeling that well Alexis, he needs to sleep so that he'll feel better. Will you sit there like a good little girl while daddy sleeps?"

She didn't want too, you could tell by the way she was holding herself, and I can't say I blame her. Alexis was daddy's little girl. She would follow him everywhere, she was always calling out to him when he wasn't around and when he was, they were always playing. She missed him and she didn't understand why he wasn't playing with her now.

Amber grabbed her as she tried to crawl on Reed again. "Alexis please don't," she groaned as Alexis cried. "Mommy's sorry, I wish I could do something but I can't."

"Do you want me to take her again?"

"No," Amber shook her head. "It'll be ok, she needs to see him and he needs her to be here." She grabbed Alexis again and this time pulled her down on her lap. "Thank you for bringing her in and for taking good care of her while I sit here with him."

"No problem," I told her. "She's been really good for Devon and me," I laughed. "Well if Devon wasn't there, I don't know how good it would be but..." I shrugged.

Amber smiled. "He's always been great with her - hasn't he Alexis? Uncle Devon is fun, isn't he?" Alexis didn't reply, she was struggling against her mom's arms as she tried to get on Reed's bed again. "Just hold on," Amber told her before turning to look at me - she looked so tired and worn out - I wondered if she was eating right and getting any sleep.

"Did you eat yet?" I asked her. "I could go get something for you if you like."

"Thanks but mom and dad are going to be here in a little while, they've been bringing me food. Lucinda and Roger have been visiting with food too. I don't really feel hungry but..." she trailed off as a hand rubbed over her belly. "The baby needs food."

"Ok," I gave her a half smile. "What about books or something to do while you sit with him?"

"I don't have the energy to do anything," she told me. "I just sit here and talk to him. I tell him what's going on and how everyone is." She chuckled softly. "His dad comes in and reads the entire paper to him."

"That's nice."

"Yeah," she shrugged. "Roger doesn't know what else to do, he doesn't like seeing Reed like this and not be able to do anything for him."

"I'm sure everyone feels like that," I stated. "I know I wish I could do something more."

"You're doing a lot," she told me. "It's easier for me to be here when I know that you and Devon are taking care of Alexis - it's almost as if we were their with her."

"Are you kidding? Alexis is plotting her escape!" I joked. "She misses you guys."

Amber smiled and turned back to Alexis. "Hey," she said after a couple minutes. "Do you think you can do me a favor?"

"Sure," I said without hesitating - I wanted to get out of that room. "What do you need?"

Amber pointed across the room to a corner that wasn't visible from where I stood. "Could you get him out of here for a while? He's been here every single moment since Reed's been admitted and while it's nice, I need to spend some time with Reed - just us."

As she spoke, I took a couple steps to see who she was talking about - even though I knew without a doubt that it was Sean. "He's sleeping," I stated. I didn't really want to spend any time with him.

"Janie please? It's just for a few minutes. He needs to get out of here, he hasn't been any where but home longer enough to shower and change. I don't even think he's sleeping that much." When I screwed up my face at the thought of spending time with him, Amber sighed. "I'm worried about him Janie."

"What do you expect me to do with him?"

"Take him out? Go to a restaurant, make sure he eats and thinks about something besides Reed in this bed for a few minutes."

After a couple minutes of listening to Amber's pleads, I gave in. "Ok, I'll take him." I told her and then jokingly added, "But babysitting Sean isn't the same as babysitting Alexis; you'll owe me big time!"

Amber thanked me and I made my way over to Sean. I called out his name but his only response was a couple soft snores. With a sigh, I leaned over him and gently shook his arm.

"Amber what is it?" He asked groggily as he shifted in his chair. "Is Reed - you aren't Amber." He rubbed his face, "I must be dreaming."

"No you aren't," I pulled away from him and turned to go. "Come on, I'm hungry and you are taking me out to dinner."

I was almost to the door when I heard him chuckle, "Now I know I'm dreaming."

Missing

2008-03-22T23:25:00.000-07:00

"Janie?" Devon poked his head into my room again, looking a little worried. "Is there something wrong?" He took a step in as if he was ready to spring to action if there was.

"No," I shook my head. "Just watching Alexis play with my hair clips. She finds happiness in the smallest things I - I..." I started to well up with tears as I thought about the fact she didn't even know her life could change for the worst.

"Don't cry," Devon came to sit by my side, his strong arms wrapping around me as he pulled me close so my head could rest on his broad shoulder.

Wiping my cheeks, I told him I didn't want to cry. "I feel like I have to be strong for her but I'm not, I've never been."

"That's not true," he rubbed his hand up and down my back, trying to soothe me. "You've always been strong Janie and I've admired that about you."

"No," I chuckled sadly. "I haven't been strong at all."

"Sure you have," he insisted. With a smile, he added, "You've put up with me this long, that takes a lot of strenght."

"Whatever," I playfully shoved him away. "You just don't get lost." The moment those words left my mouth, I had a second of panic in which I wondered if he would take that seriously or realize I was joking.

Never in my life was I so happy to hear his deep laugh. "Come see what I've been doing," he held out his hand to me. Nodding, I scooped Alexis off my bed, held her to me and then slipped my hand in his.

I had some idea what to expect when I walked down the hall - I knew it had to do with breakfast - but I can tell you that it wasn't the 'picnic' breakfast that he had set up in the living room. I was shocked - Alexis was excited. "Devon," I glanced at him. "You didn't have to do this, you know."

"I know," he grinned as he took Alexis from my arms. He whispered something to her before he set her on the floor - she hesitated for a moment but soon she was making her way over to the blanket Devon had spread out. "Wait for us!" He called after her but she just giggled and continued towards the plate of bacon. "We better get over there," he threw over his shoulder as he went to join her.

"What are you doing?" He asked in a low growling voice as he grabbed her around the waist and started to tickle her. "Didn't I ask you to wait for Janie and me? Huh?"

As I watched them together, I couldn't stop myself from thinking that it never ceased to amaze me to see him with kids - it was as if he was a completely different person - like he stopped hiding who he is and just enjoyed himself. It was times like that told me I was doing the right thing by being with him - that giving him another chance was a good thing.

I went over to them. "I want in on this action," I laughed as I joined them on the floor.

Without missing a beat, Devon grabbed me around the waist and had me on the floor on my back before I could even tell him I meant tickling Alexis.

Breakfast with Devon and Alexis was the best meal I had ever had in a long time. Even if Alexis did get bits of food everywhere! It was worth it to see the fun side of Devon. When we were done, when we were cleaning up before I went to give Alexis a bath, I told him we had to have more meals like that.

Laughing, he told me that he wasn't sure that Amber or Reed would let us kidnap Alexis too much after he got out of the hospital. "Would you be fine if it's just me and you?"

I didn't give him an answer but I did make a point of noticeably checking him out before I walked away with a big smile on my face.

That night, when I was getting Alexis ready for bed, Amber called like she had been doing since the first night I had Alexis. Like every other night, she would speak with me for a minute and then ask me to put Alexis on so she could talk to her. I would spend the next five minutes or so, trying to hold Alexis still so I could hold the phone to her ear; although most nights it was actually Devon who was holding Alexis so she could talk to her mom. After Alexis starts to fuss really badly, I'd talk to Amber for a couple more minutes and then she would say she had to go.

Last night, she didn't seem to want to hang up. I had asked her a few times if everything was alright and she swore that everything was until she finally broke down and started to bawl. "Amber, tell me what's wrong."

Devon shot me a worried look but I didn't have anything to tell him.

"Is it Reed? Have the doctors said something?"

"Nooo," she wailed.

I shook my head at Devon so he knew what she said, although I think he could hear her. "Is it the baby? Have you been eating?"

"No," she sniffled. "The baby's ok."

"Are you?" I asked her.

"Yeah," she sighed sadly as she sounded like she was trying to stop.

"Then what's wrong? I can't help you if you don't tell me."

"I just..." she sniffled. "I mean..." she sighed and sobbed. "Everything is wrong," she sobbed again. "I miss Reed so much..."

"Amber he's still there, he wouldn't go anywhere without you, you know that."

"I know...." she sighed. "I just want to take him home....to be with him...and..." she sobbed loudly - Devon gave me a worried look. "I miss my baby..."

"I know you do Amber but he's doing the best he can to come through this. He wouldn't leave you, he loves you too much for that."

"I know...I love him too...with all my heart but -"

"No buts Amber, Reed will come through this."

She chuckled sadly, "I was...I mean...I miss Alexis."

"Oh." I looked down at Alexis as she curled up in Devon's arms. "She really misses you too Amber, she asks for you and Reed every single day."

"Does she?"

"Of course," I laughed. "How could she not miss you and Reed? With me watching her? She probably wants to run away!"

Amber laughed. "She sounds happy when I hear her, you must be doing alright."

"No," I admitted. "Devon is doing alright - me? I'm just trying not to scar her for life!"

"I'm glad he's there with you," she told me. "He's great with Alexis, you see that, right?"

"Yeah," I grinned. "I see it."

Even with Reed in the hospital, Amber was able to get there and try to sell me on why she thought Devon was perfect for me. "Think about it, ok?" She said at the end of her 'sales' pitch. "If I learnt one thing, it's that the man you love may not always be around."

"Amber," I said in a warning tone as she started to sound depressed again. "Reed will pull through this."

"He's strong," she sighed. "They moved him today."

"What?" She didn't say that before. "Why?"

"Well they say he is stable and his mom had been freaking about him not being in a private room, so they moved him."

"Well that's a great sign!"

She didn't say anything.

"What is it Amber?"

Taking a deep breath, she asked me if I had plans tomorrow after work. When I told her no, she asked me if it would be too much trouble for me to bring Alexis to the hospital for a few minutes. "The doctors say that he might be able to hear us and I think that he would probably be wondering where Alexis is." She paused and then added that she really needed to see Alexis, even if Reed couldn't hear her.

"I'll bring her down," I promised her.

The next evening after I got off work, I went by the day care to pick up Alexis like I've been doing for the last week. Normally Devon was there waiting for me with Alexis all ready to go but when I walked into the day care, he was standing just inside the door with a frown on his face. My first thought was that he heard something about Reed and it wasn't good.

"Devon?" I approached him hesitantly.

"Janie," he sighed.

"What's wrong?" My heart literally was beating in my throat. "Did you hear something about Reed?"

"No," he shook his head. "I just can't go with you to the hospital, I have a dinner meeting that I just can't get out off - I tried really hard."

"Oh," I probably didn't look that disappointed by the news because his frown deepened. "No," I groaned as I reached for him. "I didn't mean it like that, I just thought that you had bad news about Reed and you didn't, so I was relieved."

He nodded. "I should go. Tell Amber that I wanted to be there and I am thinking of her and Reed."

"Devon?" I went after him as he walked away from me. When he turned, I threw my arms around him. "I really wish you were coming with us."

"So do I," he kissed my forehead. "I'll see you at home, ok?"

I was still nodding like a moron when he walked out through the doors.

Trying To Make Her Life Normal

2008-03-16T09:35:00.000-07:00

The night of the accident Amber asked me to pick Alexis up from her parents house and to look after her. I didn't know at the time that Amber was really asking me to become a surrogate mommy.

"I need to be here," Amber told me when I called her at the hospital that night after I picked up Alexis and had her playing in my living room. "Can you please take care of Alexis for me? Please Janie? I need to know that Alexis is safe."

Being the great friend I am, I promised her that I would take care of her daughter so she could concentrate on making sure that Reed knew that we loved and needed him here.

Problem was, I didn't have anything for Alexis, just the day bag that Lenore gave me when I picked her up. I didn't have enough diapers, clothes out anything else that one would need to take care of a baby. I thought about going to Amber and Reed's but it just felt wrong to be there or think about staying there when they weren't around.

It was getting later and later by the minute, Alexis was whining and rubbing her eyes as she called out to her mom and dad. It broke my heart to hear her crying for them. I wanted to do anything to make it stop. I wished that I was able to turn back time and stop the driver that hit Reed's car so that my friend and her family wouldn't know the heartache they were feeling at this moment.

Of course, I was incapable of turning back time - hell I wasn't really qualified to be alone in her company - I didn't know the first thing about babies. My experience went as far as being around her when Amber was around.

So I did the only thing I could think of - I called in backup.

"Thank you for coming," I said as my backup crossed my doorstep and took a squirmy, crying Alexis out of my arms and attempted to soothe her. "I don't know what to do," I admitted helplessly. "She's been crying for a while and she's so tired. I don't have pjs for her and I don't have her blanket. I don't know if I'm supposed to wash her before bed or even if I can put her in a real bed for that matter! I'm freaking out here! Why did Amber think I could -"

The pressure of his lips on mine stopped me dead in my rambling. "Don't worry Janie," he said with a smile as he pulled away from me. "Just calm down and I promise that everything will be alright."

It had been a long week, like I said in the last post, Alexis still cries at night for her dad, but during the day she's almost as happy as she was over a week ago.

I would love to say that it was because of my care giving but I know that's not true. I'm convinced with my entire being that the only reason Alexis feels 'normal' at all is the man who came to our rescue. The man who told me that I wasn't doing this alone as he brought his suitcases in along with the stuff he managed to gather from Amber's place for Alexis.

Just now, he poked his head into my room and asked me to join him in the living room. I don't know what he's been doing for the last hour or so - he banished Alexis and me to my room so he could do something without us 'ruining' the surprise.

Pain

2008-03-14T11:29:00.001-07:00

The last couple of days have been the worst I've had in months. The call we received at the restaurant the other night wasn't from the same person that was texting me. My text messages were from a girl friend of mine wanting to tell me about a party next weekend. The call, well...

"It's about time you two got here," Sean snapped at us as we ran up the sidewalk towards the hospital. "What did you do? Stop to make out or something?"

"Fuck you," Devon grabbed him by the shirt and slammed him up against the wall. "What the hell is going on here? Why were we 'summoned' here?"

"Devon," I tried to get between the two of them. "This isn't the time," I turned to Sean. "Please tell me everything is ok."

"I -" He shook his head, at a lost for what to say.

"Who?" I asked, my heart in my throat, fearing the answer.

"Reed," he barely choked out as his eyes filling with tears. "Amber called me....he..."

"NO!" Devon snapped as he slammed Sean against the wall against. "Stop lying!"

"You think I'm lying?" Sean glared at him. "That's my brother in that operating room! It's my brother who may not get to see his little girl grow up or see his new baby! Do you think I would lie about that?" Sean gripped Devon's hand and ripped them away from him. "Fuck you, you bastard!"

I watched Sean walk away from us and I saw Devon fall forward against the wall he just held Sean against. I didn't know what to do first, to run after Sean and see how Amber was - find out more information about what was going on with Reed. Or go to Devon and make sure that he was ok after having just found out that the man that was like a brother to him is possibly going to die.

I choose Devon. He needed me more.

I went to him and wrapped my arms around his waist. "Devon?"

"It has to be a lie Janie," he said after a while. "Reed has to be ok, he can't...." I hugged him tighter as his body shook in my arms.

We stood like that for the longest time before he turned towards me and asked me to take him to see Reed. "I need to see him."

Hand in hand, we walked into the hospital together and made our way towards the waiting room that the nurses directed us when I asked for Amber.

The waiting room was silent - deadly silent. For a moment I was afraid that they got some bad news about Reed's condition but one look around told me that they were all just in their own little world of prayer.

"Amber," Devon pulled on my hand as he hurried across the room to where Amber sat with Sean. "What happened?" He asked as he sunk to the floor at her feet, letting go of my hand as he went down.

Through her tears, she told us that it was her fault, she wanted ice cream but they didn't have the kind she wanted at home. "I asked him to go to the store - he didn't want to go - he just got home from work and wanted to relax with Alexis and me." She told us they argued and he reluctantly agreed to go. At that point she was crying too hard to understand anything else that she tried to say. With a huge sob, she turned to Sean and he wrapped his arms around her, comforting her as she buried her face against his chest.

"His car was hit on the passenger's side before he turned down the road to come home," Sean told us as he stroked Amber's back.

"I didn't need the ice cream that badly," Amber's muffled voice cut in as she lifted her head from Sean's chest. Wiping her cheek, she stared up at him, "I can't lose him Sean, I can't."

"You won't," he promised her. "I won't let anything happen to him."

Beside me I heard Devon scoff, "Don't," I hissed. "She needs that right now."

"No," he leaned towards me. "She doesn't need to be lied to!"

I happened to agree with him on that point but I also didn't think that she needed to hear that he wouldn't make it.

It was a long night - we didn't leave the hospital until long after the sun came up. I would've stayed as long as it took but Amber asked me to relieve her parents from babysitting so they could come down and be with her. "I need to be here," she told me. "But I don't want Alexis to have to see me or her daddy like this."

"Of course we'll take care of her," Devon promised and then told her he would be back to check on her and Reed. "When you get to see him, tell him he made a promise to me that he can't back out off." After glancing at me for a brief second, he told Amber that he really needed Reed to be there like he promised.

It's almost been a week since the accident and sadly, there hasn't been much of a change in Reed's condition. He remains in a coma in critical condition and everyday his little girl cries for him when I put her to bed at night. I'm afraid that she'll spend her lifetime crying for him.

And I'm afraid that if he dies, Amber will never be the same again.

Getting Close To Something?

2008-03-09T11:16:00.000-07:00

I received a text message last night while I was out to dinner with Devon. I tried to ignore it but Devon heard the beeping and he wanted to know what it was. "It's nothing," I told him without looking at my phone. "If it was important, it would've been a call not a text."

He seemed satisfied with that reply and we pretty much forgot about the text until we were going to leave and my phone started beeping again. "Someone really wants to get to you," Devon joked as he paid for dinner. "Let me guess, it's your other boyfriend."

"That's not funny Devon," I glared at him.

"Come on baby," he reached for me. "I was just kidding."

"It wasn't funny," I informed him before turning to walk out of the restaurant and into the cool March night.

"It was a joke Janie," Devon insisted when he caught up with me. "I know you aren't seeing anyone else."

"What if I was?" I snapped.

"What?" He raised a brow. "What if you were what?"

Frowning, I thought about what we were talking about. I didn't really know what it was that I was talking about. There were times that I was so certain that I wanted no one else but him but then other times?

"Janie?" Devon stepped in front of me. "Is there anyone else?"

I was unimpressed the he actually felt that he needed to ask that - I had spent most of my time with him. "When would there be time for some one else?"

"Are you saying that I'm hogging all your time?" He demanded.

"No, I-"

Shifting from one foot to the other, he stared down at me, "Because all you have to do is tell me and I'll make myself scarce!"

"Devon, I didn't say -"

"Maybe we do need to spend more time apart."

"What?" I shook my head. "Devon, I didn't say that! I didn't say anything! God! Why are you being like this?"

"Me?" He pointed at himself. "I'm not being like anything! I was just joking! I don't think you have another boyfriend!" He cursed and turned away from me.

Without saying anything, I moved behind him. I was shaking pretty badly as I reached my hand out towards his back - I was worried that he was serious about taking a break. At the last minute, I dropped my hand and took a deep breath. "Devon?"

He didn't reply.

"Devon please, I know you can hear me, you are standing right in front of me."

A moment passed and then another. Finally he dropped his chin to his chest and sighed. "What is it you want from me Janie?" He asked softly. "We spend time together, we talk and laugh. I've been patient and understanding, not because I expect something from you for it, but because I want you to know that I'm here for you."

"I know you are," I wrapped my arms around his waist and pressed my body against his back. Sighing, I closed my eyes and bury my face in his shirt as his scent engulfed my senses.

"What do you want Janie? What will make you happy?" His hand covered mine as they rested together at his waist.

It was a very good question and the only thing that popped into my head was. "You."

"Me?" He removed my hands and turned around. "We argue and you walk away -"

"Yes," I nodded. "We do."

"Then I'm not really making you happy."

"Devon," I pulled my hands from his and returned them to his waist. Resting my forehead against his chest, I told him that it was true that we argued and I walk away. "Even the happiest couples I know argue and need to get away from each other from time to time. That doesn't mean that I'm not happy Devon."

He hesitated for a moment, I could feel it.

"Reed and Amber argue," he stated.

"Yes," I smiled. "They do but they are -" My words were drowned out by his shirt as he pulled me to his chest.

He held me and stroked my back. He was quiet for a long time, I had to check to see if I could tell what was going on. When I lifted my head from his chest, he frowned. "I've been wanting to ask you something for a long time Janie but it never seems to be the right moment."

I opened my mouth to ask him what he wanted to ask me but I never got the chance, we were interrupted by one of the restaurant staff as they ran towards us calling our names.

"There's been an accident," the guy told us between gasps for air. "You need to go to the hospital right away."

Argh!

2008-03-05T10:38:00.000-08:00

"Sean..." Amber looked embarrassed as she stared up at Sean standing just outside the kitchen. As she rose from her chair, she gave me a look, like she wanted me to apologize or something.

I didn't apologize though. What did I have to apologize for? Not feeling anything for him? Yeah, right!

"Hey Amber," Sean smiled as he strolled towards her, giving her a hug before taking the seat she vacated. "Can we...?"

I couldn't believe it! He was shooing her away.

"You know," I closed the magazine I was flipping though and started to stand. "I have stuff to -" Sean grabbed my arm, his fingers circling around my wrist.

"Yeah..." Amber pointed towards the living room where Reed and Alexis were laughing up a storm. Without another word, she grinned and disappeared.

"Please," Sean motioned towards my chair. "I hear sitting is more comfortable than hovering."

For the longest time I 'hovered' over my chair, wondering what he could possibly have to say to me after hearing that I wasn't the least bit interested in him. "I have to go Sean."

Raising a brow, he asked me if I was really like that. "Like what?"

"Ignore me because I overheard you say something that you obviously weren't planning on telling me to my face."

"What?" I almost laughed. "Sean how many times - how many ways - do I have to tell you that I'm not interested?"

Finally releasing my wrist, Sean leaned back in his chair. "Janie are you saying that you never felt anything?"

"Felt anything? When Sean?"

With a smile, he reminded me of the day I twisted my ankle. "We both know that if I would've joined you on your bed and gave you the kiss you were begging for with your eyes, you wouldn't have stopped me."

I tried to deny it but there was a part of me that knew he was right; I wouldn't have shoved him away that night at all. "But that doesn't mean that I like you or anything."

He laughed, a soft sort of chuckle almost. "You often go around gazing up at men, begging to be kissed?"

"I don't go around begging to be kissed," I hissed. "And I didn't do it that day either."

It has been a while since that day and yet Sean hasn't gotten the idea. I really don't know what to do about him. I like him, I do but just not that way. How do I tell him to back off and try being my friend?

News

2008-02-21T05:44:00.001-08:00

I have decided to suspend this blog for the remainder of this month. During this time I will be making the decision of whether or not I can really continue it, or if it's time to stick a fork in it and call it done. I will be doing the same with Tanner's blog as well because, as you all know, I've been slacking with these blogs because I've been having issues 'feeling' them. By March 1st I'll let you all know what I've decided to do.

Thank you for all your support since this blog began.

Angela

Surprising Information

2008-02-13T09:59:00.001-08:00

This weekend I spent a lot of time over at Amber's, she had called me up to go through bridal magazines with her. "I think Reed is tired of hearing about the wedding details," she chuckled as she pushed an open magazine across the table towards me. "He tells me I talk about it in my sleep."

I glanced towards the living room where Reed was playing dolls with Alexis on the floor. "I'm sure he just can't wait for the day to come," I looked at her. "Has he tried to convince you to move it up from September?"

She nodded slowly, "I think I'll give in though and get married sooner."

"What?" I stared at her in disbelief. "You've been talking about a September wedding as long as I've known you. Why would you want to move it up?"

"Well," she turned to watch Reed and Alexis for a second before returning to me. "I don't want to be as big as a house in my wedding photos."

I frowned, "As big as a..." my eyes widened. "You're pregnant?"

"Yes!" She squealed in excitement. "I took a test this morning, it was positive. Reed wants to wait until I see a doctor before telling our parents but..."

"This is awesome!" I exclaimed as I gave her the biggest hug.

"I know," she hugged me back. "I'm so happy right now."

"I bet you are," I couldn't help grinning like an idiot, her happiness was infectious. "I bet Reed is too." We both turned towards the living room, Reed was now watching the two of us with an amused look on his face.

"He didn't believe me when I told him," she told me. "He demanded to see the test so I brought him into the bathroom and showed him. He stood there for the longest time, staring down at the test, I thought he was upset because he didn't say anything to me. Finally, he turned towards me and pulled me into his arms. His voice broke as he told me how much he loved me and how happy I make him."

"He cried?" I thought that was the most amazing thing ever.

"Yes," she nodded. "He had missed out on being there for Alexis, the idea of being here for our second baby got to him."

I could understand how it would be an emotional moment for both of them, they worked so hard to be where they are today and their upcoming wedding and arrival of their second baby was very much deserved. "I'm so happy for you," I told her. "And a little jealous."

Amber laughed, "Janie you can be as happy as Reed and I are, all you have to do is figure out what it is that would make you happy."

Since the day at the restaurant, I've been spending a lot of time thinking about where I am in my life and where I want to be. I know I'm still very young and I don't have to have my life planned out completely right now but I feel that if I don't start getting serious about what I want, I'll end up with nothing.

"I know," I slumped back down into my chair. "I've been thinking about a lot of stuff since the fire."

"Like what?"

"That life's too short, for starters." Amber agreed with me and then asked me what else I was thinking about. "I've been thinking that I don't want to end up like my parents, pretending that I care about someone when I don't. I don't want to end up alone and miserable like my mom did. I don't want to be the one who causes someone else to go off the deep end either."

"Just because your parents are like that Janie, it doesn't mean that you will be."

"I'm not so sure," I told her. "I've already made a mess of the relationships I've been in."

"No," she shook her head. "You haven't Janie."

"No?" I laughed. "What about Cary? I told him I would marry him when I didn't love him and I ended up hurting him when I slept with Devon. And Devon!" I shook my head helplessly. "I can't get that man out of my head at all and we've been nothing but toxic to each other for so long."

"I thought things have been different lately," Amber stated. "I thought Devon was being supportive and caring like you needed him to be."

"He is, I've told him that too." When she gave me a questioning look, I told her about the day Sean came by the office and we ran into Devon at lunch. "Devon was amazing that day, I thought he would freak because Sean has been ribbing him every chance he gets but he was so cool."

"Janie," Amber glanced away from me, sighed and then looked back. "I have to admit that I don't like whatever it is that is going on with you and Sean. Not only does it have the chance to hurt you, this relationship can hurt many people I care about, especially Reed. Now," she held up her hands as I started to protest. "I'm not saying that you can't see Sean, that's totally up to you. I just want you to know that I love you and I'm behind you, but I'm scared because both guys are so close to Reed."

My first thought was to tell her that this wasn't about her or her precious Reed but I didn't because I knew what she meant. No matter what, they would be affected if I got involved with Sean.

I started to laugh and Amber got all upset. "It's not funny Janie! You know how close Reed and Devon are, they are like brothers! And Sean, well, he is Reed's brother."

I held up my hands in mock surrender. "Amber!" I choked out as I tried to control my laughter. "You have nothing to worry about."

"I don't?" She didn't look convinced. "I think I do if you are going out for lunch with Sean during the day and having dinner with Devon at night."

"No you don't," I insisted.

"Why don't I?"

"Don't be stupid Amber, it's not who you are."

"Janie," she glared at me. "I'm not being stupid, I don't know what you mean."

"I'm not going out with Sean," I informed her. "I'll never be going out with Sean, I don't care for him that way at all. As far as I'm concerned, he's just Reed's brother and your soon to be brother in law but nothing - and I mean nothing at all - to me."

I thought Amber would be happy about that but she looked horrified as she looked over my shoulder. I had a sinking feeling I knew what I would see before I even turned around but that didn't stop me from looking behind me to see Sean frozen in spot just outside the kitchen.

Nervousness

2008-02-03T11:56:00.000-08:00

"Janie? Baby are you there?" Devon's concerned voice came over the phone.

"Yeah," I shook my head in confusion, "I'm here."

"Oh, for a moment there, I thought you hung up or something. You didn't answer my question," he informed me.

"What?" I frowned, I was pretty damn sure I was the last one to say something and he had yet to say something about it.

"I asked you how you could be sure I wasn't the same man," he paused and then told me that I went silent.

What? I told you I loved you! I found myself thinking. "I replied," I told him curtly.

"No Janie, you didn't, that's why I asked if you were still there."

"But I just..." Did I?

"You just what Janie?" He was starting to sound a little impatient. "Are you going to answer my question?"

"I..." Now that I realized that whole telling him I loved him was all in my head, I felt a little weird about saying it like this. I didn't want him to misunderstand what I meant or think that I just said it to make him believe that he's changed. So I copped out and told him something else. "I think I should know, more than anyone else, whether you have changed or not Devon. I'm telling you, you aren't the same man you used to be and, to be honest, I'm very happy about that."

It sounded lame and I hated that I chickened out.

"Uh oh," he chuckled softly. "Heads up, Sean just left the table; I think he's coming for you."

I hung up from talking to Devon just as there was a knock on the bathroom door. "Janie?" Sean called out to me as he inched the door open. "Are you ok? You've been gone for a while and I...well, I'm hoping you are in there and didn't run out on me." He gave a nervous chuckle and asked, once again, if I was there.

For a moment, I thought about not saying anything to make him think that I did run out. That moment passed and I went over to the door. "I'm here," I peeked through the opening he made. "What are you doing lurking outside the lady's room?"

He smiled, "Just waiting for the prettiest lady I know to come out and finish her lunch."

I rolled my eyes, "Don't get cute with me Sean; I'm still mad at you."

"Janie, I'm sorry. I didn't mean..." He trailed off as an older lady come up wanting in to the bathroom. "Can we talk about this back at our table?" He moved aside for the woman to pass but his eyes remained on me. "Please Janie."

We made our way back to the table, I promised to sit and listen to what he had to say but I didn't think it mattered, I didn't believe there was a thing he could say to make me even the least bit interested in talking to him beyond lunch.

He started talking - just telling me things about himself - his earliest memories, his childhood friends, how he felt about his parents divorce and how he knew he didn't fit in with his family. "I just thought that every one felt that way but when I found out I was adopted, it all made sense." He sighed, "Some times I wish I didn't know that I was adopted, maybe life wouldn't have seemed like it was all a lie."

"Finding out you were adopted doesn't make the life you led a lie Sean."

"How do you know?" He asked, "You don't know what it's -"

"Actually," I reached across the table and touched his hand. I don't know why I did it, I'm still wondering. I think, maybe, it was to convey that I did know how he felt. "I was adopted," I told him. "I don't know who my real parents are and, as you know, I lost the only mom I had."

"Oh," he looked at me, his surprised expression quickly faded into a grimace. "That's why you flipped on me Christmas Day, wasn't it? There I was bitching about not feeling like I belonged and missing my adoptive family when you..."

"Don't have anyone?" I finished for him.

"Well," he leaned in as he took my hand in his. "You have so many people who care about you Janie." He paused for a beat, "Including me."

"Sean..."

"Janie..."

I pulled my hand out of his and leaned back in my chair, "Don't make fun of me."

"I wouldn't dream of it," he leaned back and crossed his arms.

"You are doing it again!"

"Janie!" He groaned, "Would you stop it? I'm not making fun of you."

"Yes you are!" I insisted. "You are doing it right now and you do it every time you call me 'Spitfire'."

"No," he shook his head. "That's not me making fun of you, that's you making me nervous."

"Yeah, right," I scoffed. "Why would you possibly be nervous around me Sean?"

"Oh I don't know," he glanced away and then turned back to stare at me. "I wish I knew why I can't get you out of my head. I wish I could forget about you because, let's face it, you are way too young for me but..." he bit his lip as he shook his head. "I still kick myself for not kissing you when I had the chance."

Bathroom Confessions

2008-01-31T10:48:00.000-08:00

I was preparing for the worst when Devon walked over to our table. I knew that he wasn't Sean's biggest fan and I thought for sure that seeing me with him would set him off on some kind of anger induced rage.

When Devon came to our table, he greeted Sean politely and asked how he was doing. "How is the job going? Keeping busy?"

"I have no complaints," Sean replied.

"Good, good," he was talking to Sean but he was looking at me. "Hello Janie," he flashed me that 'oh so sexy, heart melting' smile of his as he slowly squat down next to my chair. With one hand resting on the back of my chair, he told me that he called my office just before he came out for lunch. "I was wondering if you got my message."

"Your message?" I frowned. "I haven't called the office Devon."

"No," he chuckled, "my text message? My response to your message earlier."

"Oh," I shook my head. "No, I didn't what did it say?" I asked as I reached for my purse to pull out my cell. I had texted him earlier to see if he was going to call me that night like he had for the last few nights; we hadn't had many opportunities to spend anytime together lately. In fact, this was the first time I've seen him face to face in a while. I missed him so much.

As I flipped my phone open and pressed 'ok' to see his message, he told me that he wasn't able to make the call tonight. My heart dropped. "Read the message," he patted my leg. "I look forward to getting your response."

Without saying another word about the text, he stood up and told us to enjoy our meal. I watched him walk over to his table, totally hurt that I wouldn't be hearing from him that night and upset that he didn't even tell me why.

"Why don't you put your phone away?" Sean reached across the table in an attempt to remove my phone from my hand.

"Hey!" I pulled it out of his reach at the last second, "I'll put it away when I'm done," I told him. My eyes slid downwards until they were staring straight at the tiny screen and the words Devon sent me over an hour earlier, "Tonight I would like to do something a little different Janie. Will 6 be too early to pick you up?"

I couldn't help the grin that spread across my face as I lifted my head to look towards Devon's table; he was deep in conversation with his lunch partner, he didn't see me look over at him. Turning back to my phone, I pressed a few buttons, typing out "6 sounds good to me. Should I wear anything special?"

A few seconds after I sent the message, my phone beeped to let me know I had a new text - "Just the smile you have on your face now."

I was just about to hit the 'reply' when Sean asked me if I was going to spend all of lunch on my phone with Devon. "If I was an insecure guy Janie, you would be crushing my ego right now."

"For some reason I don't think it would have any effect on you Sean."

"No?" He raised a brow. "You don't think that it's bruising to the ego to be ignored while out to lunch with a beautiful woman?"

"I'm not ignoring you."

"Oh I think you are, at least since Devon waltzed over here."

"Well it's not like I wanted to do lunch with you." The second those words left my lips, I wished that I could take them back.

"Of course not," Sean agreed. "You'd rather spend your day texting back and forth with Devon."

"Why are you being like this?"

"Oh I don't know," he shrugged. "I guess it's the first time I've been told I wasn't good enough because I don't swim in pools of money."

"What?" I stared, open mouthed at him. "How dare you say that? You don't know a damn thing about me if you think your wallet would be all of interest to me!" I tossed my napkin on the table and pushed out my chair. "And for your information Sean, you are a 'Johnson', that name screams money in this town!"

I had to get away from him before I left my hand print on his cheek. I stood up, grabbed my purse and stomped off towards the back of the restaurant where the bathrooms were located.

For a couple minutes, I paced the floor, trying to calm down enough to go out and finish my lunch without killing Sean for suggesting I was a gold digging whore. How dare he? He didn't know me! If I was a gold digger, then what the hell was I doing with Cary? He didn't have any money and I still loved being with him.

"I'm not a gold digger," I snapped at my reflection. "I can't help it that Devon comes from money, that's not why I like him."

Ring. Ring.

"Speak of the devil," I muttered before answering my cell. "What's up Devon?" I tried not to sound upset but it didn't work.

"What happened?" He asked me. "I looked over, you were gone and Sean had this stupid look on his face. I recognized the look; it's one I've had numerous times when I upset you." He chuckled softly and then asked what Sean did to piss me off.

"Oh nothing," I replied nonchalantly. "I just love it when people tell me I'm a gold digger. Makes me very happy."

"What?" Devon laughed. "You? A gold digger? Baby if that were true, why aren't you in my arms right now? I'll let you have all my money in exchange."

"I'm not a gold digger Devon!"

"Janie I know that, everyone who knows you knows that. Why does Sean think you are?"

I leaned back against the sink and sighed. "I think he's interested in me and believes that the only reason I won't go out with him is because he doesn't 'swim in pools of money'."

"Oh," Devon's tone changed. "You told him that wasn't why you wouldn't go out with him?"

"I shouldn't have to give him a reason Devon! If I don't to go out with him, I shouldn't have to justify why. I don't care what Lenore says or does, it's just not going to happen."

"Whoa, hold on a minute. Lenore? How does she enter into this?" I told him I didn't want to get into it but he insisted that I tell him. "You can't just say something like that and not expand on it Janie. What does Lenore have to do with any of this?"

"Nothing," I told him. "She just thought it would be nice if I asked Sean out."

"Uh huh," he didn't sound like he was convinced. "I'm sure she said more than that Janie; just tell me what it was."

"Fine," I sighed. "She doesn't think that I should date you because I've given you many chances and you ended up breaking my heart every single time. I told her that wasn't true and it didn't matter because I believe you have changed a lot in the last couple months; there are things you say and do now that you wouldn't even think of doing before. I told her I wasn't interested in seeing anyone else but she seems to think that I should date other guys, namely Sean."

I waited but there was nothing but the sound of his breathing on the other end of the line. Fumbling with the cold water tap, I said his name. "Please say something," I begged.

"Maybe she's right Janie," he said finally.

"No!" I cried. "She's not right Devon! I don't want to-"

"Janie, Lenore is right; I have hurt you over and over again. Maybe I won't this time, I don't want too, but maybe I really haven't changed that much."

"Devon don't say that, you have changed, you aren't the same man you were when we were together before."

"What if I am Janie?"

"No," I shook my head. "You aren't, I know you aren't. The man you were before wouldn't have let me stay with him and not expect me to put out. The man you were before wouldn't have taken the high road every single time another man challenged your role in my life. The man -"

"Janie I'm still the same Devon I've always been."

"No, you aren't."

"How can you be sure Janie?"

I lowered my head to gather the courage to say what my heart had been screaming for months now. Taking a deep breath, I lifted my head confidently and spoke clearing into the phone, "I didn't love that man as much as I love you right now."

Caught You

2008-01-27T07:35:00.000-08:00

I planned on telling Lenore that I didn't call Sean but I waited too long. I didn't even know it was too long until noon last Thursday when I looked up from the memo I was reading to see Sean making his way across the floor towards me.

"Who is that?" I heard the office whore, Jill, whisper from the doorway to the coffee room. I could picture her adjusting her cleavage like she did every single time there was a good looking man in the room.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Jill heading towards Sean as he reached my desk. With a flip of her platinum blond hair, she flashed him a smile and held out her hand to him. "Hello, I'm Jill, how can I help you?"

"Actually," he sat on the corner of my desk, crossing his arms as he looked down at Jill. "I'm here to see Janie," he leaned in and whispered, "She's all the help I need."

Jill raised a brow in shock. She went to say something but Sean was already turning around to face me. "Good afternoon Sunshine, can I take you to lunch?"

"Well I sorta..." I motioned towards my desk, as if I had lots of work to do still.

"Unbelievable!" Jill scoffed.

"Janie did I tell you I had an interesting conversation with Lenore this morning?" He paused, glanced at Jill and then back at me. "Do you know what she had to tell me?"

My eyes widen, "She didn't!"

He nodded slowly, "She did."

Crap! "She didn't know what she was saying."

"Really?" He raised a brow, "She seemed pretty sure that -"

"Sean!" I jumped out of my chair, cutting him off before he could spill anything to Jill. I didn't need her to know any of my business - she tried to get with Devon when we were dating before, I didn't want that to happen again - he is mine.

I guess it's needless to say that I ended up going out for lunch at Ember Cafe, the same place we went the night I injured my ankle. Like that night, I really didn't want to be there with him but he seemed to be oblivious.

"I have to ask," he said once the waitress brought us our lunch and refilled our glasses. "Why did you tell Lenore that you called me? How did I come up in conversation between the two of you where she would think you'd want my number?"

I thought for a while - thought about telling him some bullshit lie but suddenly my mom came to mind and I started to think about how little time I could have - I didn't want any more bullshit than I really needed. Honesty was something I decided that I was going to try out for a while. See how it fit.

"Lenore thinks that you are interested in me," I told him point blank and I swear his jaw dropped to the table top. "She doesn't think that Devon is good enough for me and wants me to ask you out."

When Sean didn't react right away, I didn't know what to think so I continued. "I told her I wasn't going to ask you out but she insisted that I take your number and call you anyway." I sighed, "She kept bugging me so I told her I called you."

Silence settled over our table. I felt a little uncomfortable, I wanted him to say something - anything, I didn't care. Finally, after a couple rapid blinks, he cleared his throat. "Wh -" he frowned and reached for his glass of water, almost knocking it over in his haste. I waited for him to take a drink and then asked him what he was going to say.

"Wh - wh - " he coughed and then started again, looking a little confused. "Why does Lenore think I'm interested in you?"

I started to reply right away but slowly trailed off as his question sank in. "Wait a minute?" I leaned in over the table. "You aren't interested in me?" He didn't have time to reply for I shot off a series of questions. "What's with all the flirting then? The attitude towards Devon? The nicknames, what are those all about? And what about Christmas Day when you said you told Reed you were waiting for me? What was all that about Sean?"

"You know Janie," he grinned as he leaned back in his chair. "For someone who claims not to be interested in me, you seem a little too ticked the possibility that I'm not interested. Are you sure you are in Devon as much as you say you are?"

"Whatever!" I rolled my eyes. "I don't care if you are interested or not Sean."

"Uh huh," he chuckled. "Whatever you say Sunshine."

I turned my attention back to my food, ignoring him.

"Oh come on Janie," Sean reached his hand out towards mine and I pulled it away. "What do you want me to do?" He asked. "Tell you that you get to me?" My head shot up. "Is that what you want Janie? To know that you are always on my mind? Do you want to know how much I wanted to kiss you the night you hurt your ankle?"

I looked down at my plate.

"You were there Janie, you know how close I was to doing just that."

"Why didn't you?" I found myself asking.

"Look at me Janie."

Slowly, I tilted my head upwards until my eyes locked with his. "I wanted too," he admitted.

"But you didn't," I said unnecessarily. "You walked away from me that night."

"Yeah," he nodded slowly. "I did. I was staring down at you, you seemed like you wanted me to kiss you but there was something holding you back...Devon."

"What? Why do you think -"

"No, Janie," Sean motioned behind me. "Devon."

I quickly turned around, just in time to see Devon's smile, the one his lips turned up in when he spotted me, turn into a cold stare as he realized that I wasn't alone. I watched him lean in to say something to the guy he was with, the guy nodded and went with the waitress; Devon straightened his tie and started towards us.

To Tell The Truth?

2008-01-21T09:54:00.000-08:00

"Lenore," I smiled sweetly at her. "While I appreciate your concern and I value your opinion, I know what I feel," I pressed my hand against my chest. "In here."

Lenore perked up, "What would that be dear?"

I placed my fork and knife down on the table in front of me and picked up my napkin. "Well," I spoke into the napkin as I gently wiped my mouth. "While Sean can be a nice guy I, personally, find him to be a little annoying and pushy. I don't see there ever being anything between us besides, maybe, friendship."

"Oh you don't mean that Janie," Lenore waved of what I said as if I was a silly child. "You should ask Sean out - go on a few dates - get to know him; you'll change your mind about him, I'm sure of it."

"I don't want to go out with him," I told her.

"Don't be silly," she slid her chair back from the table. "You should call him tonight, make plans to see him this weekend." Before I could tell her I wasn't going to call him, she jumped up and told me she had his number in her address book. "I'll be just a minute," she told us as she hurried out of the room.

I sat frozen in place as I stared at the empty space that she occupied only moments ago. I'm beginning to see what Amber was talking about all these years; Lenore is difficult! I didn't realize I said that out loud until I heard a chuckle. Slowly, I turned my head towards Carl, I forgot that he was still in the room. "I didn't mean any disrespect," I told him quickly, totally embarrassed.

"I know," he smiled at me. "Once Lenore gets an idea in her head, she doesn't know how to take no for an answer but she means well Janie."

"I guess she does but I'm not used to someone trying to..." I wanted to say 'control' my life but was that really fair? Yes, she wanted to be give Sean a call and go out with him but other than that, she was really nice to me.

"I'll tell you the same thing I used to tell Amber - humor her. It's easier to make Lenore understand that something isn't going to work, if you make an effort." He took a sip of his water. As he returned his glass to the table, he asked me if there was any reason I couldn't go out with Sean. "Are you seeing Devon again?"

"Well...."

The thing is, I wasn't. Devon and I didn't talk about getting back together at all. Sure, he was all touchy feely and romantic while I was staying with him but since I moved out, I barely see him. I know that it has a lot to do with our schedules and it was easier to make the time when we were tripping over each other at his place but I had hoped that it would continue. Although, he does call me every night, even when he's swamped at work, he's calling me to 'say hi'.

"Here it is!" Lenore called as she walked back into the room. "There you go dear," she handed me a sticky note with Sean's phone number on it. "I really think you should call him tonight Janie."

Since telling her that I wasn't sure that I would be anything more than friends with him didn't get her to back off, I tried it from a new angle. "I'm not sure Lenore, isn't it a little trampish for a young woman to 'chase' after a man like this? I mean, he does know where I live and I'm sure, if he was interested, he could easily get my number from Amber or you or even me for that matter. He hasn't because he's not interested in me."

"That's possible Janie," Lenore agreed. "Although, I think it was interesting that he was waiting for you Christmas Day."

I had nothing to say to that. I didn't understand why Sean was waiting for me that day and he didn't shed any light on the subject either.

I left their house that night having promised Lenore that I would call him before the weekend.

I didn't but I told her I did. Now she wants to know what was said, when we are going out and where we are going.

So I have two choices, tell her I lied or actually call him and ask him out.

I think I'm going to have to fess up to my lie because every time I reach for the phone to call Sean, I picture Devon.

Dinner With My "Parents"

2008-01-15T12:28:00.000-08:00

After years of hearing Amber complain about her parents always butting into her business, I was expecting the worst when I moved into their guest house. Needless to say, I was surprised to find out that they were just as bad as they thought they were, only, I didn't mind. It was nice to have someone worry about me if I was late getting home. It was nice to have someone treat me like one of their own; my mom just let me do whatever I wanted.

Of course the part I didn't like was Lenore's unsolicited advice on my love life. "I'm only saying this because I don't want to see you get hurt again Janie," she said to me last night at dinner. "Devon is a nice boy, I've known him for years but dear, I worry that he'll only end up leaving you miserable. But," her face lit up. "Then there's Sean." Carl's head snapped up when Lenore mentioned Sean's name.

"Now Lenore, stay out of Janie's love life, she's better suited to figure out who she wants to be with." He smiled at me, "I think Devon is a good young man and Amber has mentioned that he's changed quite a bit in the last few months. Plus," he glanced at Lenore. "He was more respectable than Sean was at Amber's during Christmas."

"Oh what do you know?" Lenore waved him off with her hand.

Carl looked thoughtful as his fork hovered in front of his mouth. "Well," he said with a smirk. "I did arrange for Amber to meet Reed at his birthday party," he turned to me. "I always thought Reed's calmness would be a good match for Amber's flair for the dramatic. Of course," he shrugged slightly. "I didn't expect for Alexis to come along as early as she did; I didn't handle that well at all."

"Honestly Carl! Will you stop already? It's not like you had any role in them falling in love."

"Yes I did my Sweet. If I didn't make Amber go to that party, she wouldn't have met him and we wouldn't be having a wedding this year." Carl looked pretty pleased with himself. I can't really say that I blame him, Amber and Reed are a great couple, they seem to have everything going for them and they are perfectly fitted.

"Go on," Lenore scoffed. "You may have made her go to that party but I encouraged her to go out with him when he asked her out."

I smiled, it was nice to see parents arguing over who had a hand in their daughter's happiness as opposed to who ruined who's life. I didn't want to burst either of their bubbles and tell them that Amber only went out with Reed because she thought he was cute and he was older, which excited her. The fact that her parents approved of him, well, it wasn't a pro, if you know what I mean.

"Lenore," I smiled sweetly at her. "While I appreciate your concern and I value your opinion, I know what I feel," I pressed my hand against my chest. "In here."

Lenore perked up, "What would that be dear?"

Fun Times

2008-01-09T22:32:00.000-08:00

I had planned on telling you all about the rest of my Christmas a while ago but between the move into Amber's parents' guest house and the horrible head cold I managed to catch, I didn't have the time to post.

It's been over two weeks since Christmas Day, so instead of giving you the long boring version of every moment, I'll just hit on some of the high and low points of the day - well that's the plan, we'll see how well that goes.

At 10:30 Christmas morning, Devon and I pulled into his parents' drive. "Janie, I have to tell you something," he said as he turned off the engine and looked at me.

"What is it?" I asked as I glanced towards the house, surprised by how nervous I felt to be there with him.

"I didn't tell you before, I didn't want you to worry but I think I should let you know my grandparents will be joining us for dinner."

My eyes widen, I started to panic. Spending time with his parents, having them judge me was bad enough but his grandparents? "Why?" I whined, "Why didn't you tell me this before?"

"I didn't want you to freak," he sighed, "Please don't be mad."

"I'm not," I sat back in my seat. "I'm just....surprised."

He was watching me, I could feel his gaze on me. "Do you need a minute?" He asked softly.

"No," I shook my head. "Let's go." I made a move to open my door and he told me to hold on a minute as he jumped out of the car to run around to open my door for me. He held out his hand, I smiled as I slipped mine into his. "Why thank you kind sir," I joked as I stood before him.

He grinned as his eyes travelled down my body and back up again until he met my eyes. "Did I tell you that you look amazing in that outfit?"

I smiled; I was wearing the sweater and pants his parents gave me. "You mom has pretty good taste, don't you think?"

He shrugged, "Maybe it's not the clothes that makes the outfit look amazing."

"What do you mean, how can the clothes not make the outfit?"

"I mean," he leaned down, "You make that outfit amazing."

I laughed, "Why Devon are you flirting with me?"

He pouted, "I was trying too."

"Thank you," I kissed his cheek. "You look pretty amazing yourself," I slipped my hands over his chest, my fingers enjoying the softness of the cashmere sweater his parents gave him.

I guess we were lost in the moment, or just spending too much time outside on our own for just when I thought Devon was going to kiss me, we were interrupted by his mother. "Devon dear," she called from the front steps of the house. "You and Janie should come in from the cold before you both catch your death of cold!"

"Don't worry, I'll take care of you" Devon whispered against my ear before telling his mom we were coming.

Dinner with his family wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I thought that his grandparents would be stuck up snobs who would hate me on sight but they seemed to really like me. In fact, his grandmother told Devon that I seemed like a 'good' girl and he would be wise to take that into consideration. "I want to see you happy Devon and I believe Janie can make you happy, if you let her."

Devon's reply? "Grandma don't worry about me, I'm happy."

I tried to pretend that I didn't hear this conversation, I didn't want to think about us as a couple or even me without him. But still the thought of being with him, well to be honest, it made my heart skip a beat. I really wanted his hands all over my body. I wanted to taste his skin. I wanted...him. Badly.

After we left his parents place, we drove straight to Amber and Reed's house. "Did Amber invite the entire neighbourhood?" He asked when we pulled into the crowded driveway.

"She told me it was just family," I replied as he helped me out of the car once again.

Reed answered the door when we rang the door bell, "Hey Amber! Janie and Devon are here!"

"Oh good!" Amber called from the kitchen. "Tell her to come in here!"

"You heard her," Reed laughed as he closed the door behind us.

After removing our jackets, Devon was attacked by a little girl in a frilly red and black dress. "Hey there Lexi!" He scooped her up into his arms and she wrapped her tiny arms around his neck and kissed his cheek. "How's my girl?"

Alexis started to 'talk' to him and he was captivated; he didn't hear me when I told him I was going into the kitchen.

In the kitchen is where it seemed to be where all the women were hanging out. I walked in there and instantly was greeted by Amber, her mom, Reed's mom and grandmother, Kelly and Nadine. "What is she doing here?" I asked Amber when she came over to hug me.

"Who?" She looked over her shoulder. "Kelly?"

"Yeah," I nodded. "After everything with Devon..."

"Janie, I invited Kelly and Chris because they are my friends." She sighed. "Please don't make a big deal out of this, she's not interesting in Devon."

"But Devon -"

"Loves you," Amber finished for me.

"He's not coming in," Reed groaned as he wrapped his arms around Amber's waist. "He just standing out there, staring off into space. I don't know what to do."

I shot Amber a look but she was focused on Reed. "Honey I'm sure it's nothing, what did he say?"

"He said he was waiting for Sunshine, what the hell does that mean? It's night!"

"I don't know Reed but I'm sure he'll soon change his mind and joy you guys," she kissed him. "Now go," she pointed towards the living room. "I have things to do still."

Reed pouted, he turned to me, "Now that she's agreed to marry me, I've been demoted; food is more important than me!"

"Oh whatever!" Amber scoffed. "You weren't complaining last night or this morning or..." Reed grabbed her, kissing her words out of her mouth.

When he let her go, she gave a girly giggle as she stumbled backwards, reaching for the wall to steady herself. "So ummm," she played with her hair as she gazed up at him, "I'll see you later?"

He chuckled deeply, "Of course my darling." He quickly kissed her cheek before wandering into the living room.

"Ahh," Amber sighed happily. "He's so perfect Janie, I love him."

Amber soon snapped out of the love haze that surrounded her and assigned me a food prep task like she did with the rest of the women in the kitchen. I was cutting up the vegetables that Kelly was peeling when I had the weird feeling that someone was watching me. I glanced towards the living room but Devon was deep in conversation with Carl about something as he held Alexis on his lap. I was about to call myself crazy when I noticed Sean outside the door to the deck, he was watching me and when I looked at him, he motioned for me to come over.

I shook my head, he gave me a look and motioned again before walking away from the door. I glanced around to see if anyone noticed, Amber was looking at me. "What was that about?" She mouthed. When I shrugged, she came over to me, "Sunshine?" She questioned. "Are you what he was talking about?" I didn't reply which only made her more curious. "What's going on between you and Sean? Are you...?"

"Nothing's going on," I told her. "I don't know why he wants me to go out there."

"Well," Amber glanced over my shoulder at Devon in the living room. "Maybe you should find out why and make a decision."

"Amber it's not like I'm encouraging him! He's..." I shrugged, "I don't know, maybe he's bored."

There was a light tap on the kitchen window, it was Sean; Amber went over to see what he wanted. "Why don't you come in here?" She asked once she opened the window a little, "It's cold out there."

"I'll be in soon Amber," he smiled at her and before turning away, he glanced at me.

Amber came back over to me, "Would you go out there so he will come in?"

Despite not really wanting to go out there, I felt bad. Making sure that no one was paying too much attention, I made my way out to the deck where Sean was waiting. "What's gotten into you?" I asked. "Why are you being antisocial when your family is in there waiting to spend today with you?"

"They aren't my family Janie, I don't really know them."

"Not your family?" I felt insulted when he said that. "Well buddy aren't you just being a jerk today! How dare you stand out here and deny them? They've done everything in their power to get to know you and to make up for the time they've missed and..." I glared at him. "What the hell are you doing? You were the one who wanted to find them! This," I motioned towards the house, "Is what you wanted! Isn't it?"

"You don't understand Janie," he stared off into space. "I miss my real family."

"Your real family?" I shook my head. "And who do you think Lucinda, Roger and Reed are?"

"That's not -"

"Screw you Sean, you have not one but two families who love you and you are sitting out here feeling sorry for yourself?" I was so angry. "You make me sick," I snapped. "Try not having a family at all. Try being alone during the most family oriented season there is. Not your real family," I repeated. "You don't deserve to be apart of this family!"

Without giving him a chance to say anything, I stomped back into the house, slamming the door behind me. "Of all the inconsiderate selfish jerks..." I muttered as I rejoined the girls in the kitchen.

A few minutes later, Sean came in from outside but instead of going to the living room with the guys, he came into the kitchen and directly to me. "Listen Janie," he was standing close to me as he spoke in hushed tones. "I didn't mean it that way, I just meant that I was missing my other family."

"Amber was there something else you wanted me to do?" I asked, completely ignoring Sean.

"Yeah," Amber replied hesitantly. "Could you start on the salad?"

"Sure," I walked over to the fridge to grab the lettuce and then stood at the sink to wash it off.

He followed me. "Janie I didn't mean to upset you."

I turned to ask Amber something and I saw Devon watching us, he didn't look happy at all. I wanted to tell him it wasn't anything but he looked away and returned to the living room.

"Sean," Lucinda pulled him away from me and I couldn't have been more grateful for that.

An hour later, we were all seated around the dinner table enjoying the fabulous meal that Amber created. Reed was sitting at the head of the table with his mom to his right. Next to Lucinda was Roger, then Sean, Madeline, Chris, Kelly with Gabe and Carl at the other end of the table. To Carl's right was Lenore, then Nadine, Hal, me, Devon and Amber with Alexis. There seemed to be a lot of people when we were all sitting down, I made a comment about that and from the other end of the table Chris and Kelly laughed.

"What's so funny?" Devon asked as I passed him the potatoes.

"Oh well, I guess we can tell everyone," Kelly glanced at Chris, taking his hand in hers as she beamed. "It looks like the table will be a little more crowded next year," she placed one tentative hand on her belly and smiled. "We are having a baby!"

Nadine squealed which seemed to start the frenzy of questions and congratulations. I turned to see how the news effected Devon and was surprised to see him smiling. "You're happy?"

"About the baby?" He shrugged, "I'm happy that she is happy, she was pretty miserable when we were..."

"Engaged?"

He nodded, "Yeah, she wasn't happy so this is good."

I wanted to say something else but I wasn't sure what would be the right thing to say to the man who's ex-fiancee just announced that she was pregnant.

Conversation turned to babies, taking care of them and the fun of child birth, I tuned it out as I focused on my dinner.

Just after Amber served dessert, Sean kicked me under the table. "Hey," I glared at him.

"How you doing?" He leaned in over the table. "I have to say you are looking better than the last time I saw you."

"Well the last time was the night of the fire Sean."

"Yeah thanks for bringing that up," Devon slipped his arm around the back of my chair. "Real smooth."

Sean ignored him and continued with what he was saying. "You look less like 'Spitfire' tonight, definitely 'Sunshine' material. You look beautiful tonight Janie." Across the table, I heard Amber gasp and saw Reed's fork pause in mid air.

"What?" Devon looked back and forth between the two of us. "What is that about?" He asked me and then asked Sean what the hell his problem was.

Sean raised a brow, "You don't agree Devon?"

All conversation stopped, everyone was looking down at our end of the table.

"Whether I agree or not isn't the point -"

"Oh?" Sean scoffed. "Then what do you think the point is?"

"I don't know what you are use to Sean but around here the only woman who should be complimented publicly at the dinner table is the woman responsible for the fantastic meal we were all enjoying," he turned to his right where Amber was feeding Alexis dessert as she sat on Reed's knee. "Amber, you truly out did yourself tonight. Not only is the food delicious but you made it all seem so effortless," he smiled. "Keep this up and we'll all keep coming back!"

A couple of people added their compliments as Amber blushed deeply. "Thank you everyone," she grinned, "I'm glad you could all be here with us tonight."

Devon sat back in his chair, a smirk on his face.

Sean glared at him.

Me? I thought Devon was right, Amber was the one who threw all this together, she deserved to be complimented at her own table, not me. But still, it would've been nice to hear Devon say I looked good in front of everyone.

It was a little uncomfortable from that point on, what with Sean and Devon both glaring at each other throughout the rest of the evening. I was really happy when it came time for us to leave.

Devon was pretty quiet on the drive home, I knew he was still stewing over what Sean said and I tried to get him to talk but he asked me to just drop it for now. When we walked into his place, he said he was going to take a shower as he disappeared into his room.

A half hour later, I was flipping through the channels on his satellite when he came out of his room and joined me on the couch. "What are you doing down at that end?" I stretched out my arms. "Come here."

"Janie, I-"

"Oh ok," I chuckled, "I'll come to you!" I started to crawl down the couch towards him. "Why are you Mr Grumpypants tonight?"

"Janie about earlier - oh," he sighed as I curled up next to him. "I can't think when you do that sweetheart."

"Oh?" I smiled innocently as I stroked his chest.

"Mmhmm," he wrapped his arms around me, his chin resting against my temple. "I'm sorry about tonight Janie."

"Oh don't be sorry Devon, what you said was right, Amber did deserve credit for the dinner tonight."

"I didn't mean that Janie. I meant -"

"Thank you for not making a big deal out of what Sean was saying."

"Argh!" He rubbed his hand over his face. "I wanted to punch his lights out - calling me out like that - who the hello does he think he is?"

I tried hard not to smile, "So it did bug you, that he complimented me?"

"Oh yeah," he admitted. "It's never easy to see another man hitting on your..." I looked up at him as he trailed off.

Normally I would've questioned him about what he was going to say but this time I just let it go, I didn't need to hear him say I was his girl, I knew that he was thinking it. I hugged him tight, "I'm glad we got to spend today together, it was a lot of fun."

We stayed on the couch until the early morning hours. It was the best way to end the perfect day.

Since that day we seem to be getting closer. We are still on the 'friends' side of the relationship line but you should see the look he gets when he thinks I'm not watching - it's so hot - I almost jumped his bones numerous times. I guess it's a good thing that I moved into the guest house; I can keep my panties on and...well, maybe that's not such a great idea cause I can't stop thinking about him in my bed.

Christmas Morning At Devon's

2007-12-27T17:53:00.000-08:00

Soft Christmas music flowed from the many speakers suitated around Devon's living room as I sat, curled up, under a blanket on his couch Christmas morning. I was waiting for him, he was rattling around in the kitchen, making us some hot chocolate, before we opened the few presents that rested on the floor beneath the tree we decorated a couple nights before.

Closing my eyes, I leaned back into the cushions and thought back over past Christmas', I couldn't think of one where I was as much at peace as I was sitting in his living room. It was a strange thing - being at peace in the home of the man who caused so many sleepless night - but it felt right.

I heard his footsteps, heard the mugs as he placed them on coasters on the table in front of the couch and then I felt the cushions move as he lowered his body down next to mine. "Janie," he whispered softly as his hand brushed my shoulder. "You aren't sleeping, are you?"

I smiled, shaking my head as I opened my eyes. He was leaning in over me, his eyes were the first thing I saw. I lifted my hand to his cheek, my fingers tracing the shadowy outline of his stubble. "I'm just relaxing," I told him as he turned his head towards my hand, his eyes partly closed.

"We can open presents later," his lips moved against my hand as he spoke, "if you wish."

I shook my head, reminding him that we had lunch with his parents and then supper at Amber's house later. "This is the only chance we'll get to do it before we head out."

It was cute, his little growl of protest, as he turned to look at the tree. "Hmm," he turned to me, a smile on his face. "Let's just sit here, sip hot chocolate and admire our handy work," he told me as he moved to hand me one of the mugs on the table.

I laughed, "didn't we do that the other night when we decorated it?"

He gave a little shrug as he took a sip from his mug, "don't you think it's worth admiring again?"

Devon didn't wait for me to agree with him, he leaned back into the cushions, his shoulder brushing against mine as the rest of his body, from his arm to his thigh rested against me. "This is nice," he stated as his eyes drifted shut.

Taking a sip of the rich and creamy hot chocolate, I took a moment to observe him while he relaxed next to me. Devon was a good looking man, sucky thing was that he knew it and he used that to his advantage for years. I'll admit that it was his looks that first attracted me to him but there's something about him, something I just can't explain that kept me coming back for more when he repeatedly cheated on me.

Maybe I was crazy. Maybe I was naive. And maybe I'm setting myself up to get my heart crushed once more but I do believe that he's changed. He doesn't seem to be the same guy he was even a couple months ago; that guy wouldn't have gone out of his way to make Christmas special for me nor would he be there for me as much as he has been.

My eyes travelled from his closed eyes down to his lips. Mmmm, those lips. How many times have they sent shivers down my spine? I took a sip of hot chocolate and wondered how much better it would taste if I were licking drops from his lips. I bit my lip to stop from groaning out loud as I told myself I had to stop before the warmth spreading through me took control of my body and made me do something I shouldn't.

"I can feel you watching me," he opened open eye to peek at me before he closed it again and smiled.

"I was debating whether or not to kick you," I told him.

"Yeah right," he laughed. "Why would you want to kick me?"

"It's Christmas morning!"

He raised a brow and turned to me, his eyes wide open now. "Merry Christmas, here your kick?"

I nodded.

He looked offended.

"I wouldn't kick that hard," I explained, "Just enough so you know I wanna open presents."

"A kiss would work as well," he informed me.

"I know," I slipped off the couch and made my way over to the tree. "But you wouldn't stop at a kiss," I glanced over my shoulder. "You couldn't stop at a kiss."

"Oh, no, no, no, no, no!" He jumped off the couch to join me. "You," he tweaked my nose as he spoke. "Couldn't stop at a kiss; you can't control yourself around me, you want my body." With that said, he pulled his shirt up over his head, pushing his chest out and shaking his body, "you want it don't cha baby? Don't cha?"

"Stop it!" I cried out in laughter. "You're such a freak!"

He drop his shirt and grabbed for me, wrapping his arms around me as I stood side on to him. "Yeah, I hear you love me freaky baby! Muah!" He kissed my cheek.

I shot a questioning look at him.

"I'm allowed my delusions, it's Christmas afterall."

Laughing, I placed my hand against his cheek. His arms tightened around me as my gaze met his briefly before I turned away.

"Janie," his hand left my waist, travelling up my arm until his fingers gripped my chin as he turned my face towards him again. He was mere inches away, the aroma of hot chocolate drifted by my nose with every breath he took. "Janie," he sighed, his thumb tracing the outline of my bottom lip. I thought he was going to kiss me, I parted my lips, tilted my head back and waited. But he didn't, he just smiled and said, "Presents?"

I felt stupid as he pulled away from my to sit on the floor in front of the tree. And if the feeling stupid wasn't back enough, I started to wonder if he was even interested in me at all.

"Come on, sit down," he urged as he gathered the presents.

I stood there like a moron, watching him.

"This one..." he trailed off as he looked towards me and realized I was still standing. He leaned back, tilting his head all the way back as he looked up. "This is new for me," he said jokingly but when I didn't laugh, he sighed. "I'm trying to be a gentleman."

"What? Why?" I frowned, I didn't ask him to be one.

He shrugged, "I was told I was rude and crude?"

"Who told you that?"

Once again, he shrugged. "No one?" He chuckled but stopped short when I just stared down at him. "Look Janie, I'm trying really hard not to take you, right here under the tree, so cut me some slack and get your cute ass down here so we can open presents!"

My eyes widened, that was the Devon I was use too - telling me what to do, not asking. I knew how to deal with that Devon. I was about to say something to him but he had to go and throw me for a loop - he pouted and said, "Pretty please baby?"

I laughed, I didn't know what else to do. He didn't seem too upset at that though, he grinned and moved over so I could sit down in front of the tree with him.

"This one is from..." he opened the tag on the gift bag, "...my parents, to you."

"To me?" I was surprised, I didn't expect them to get me anything.

"Yes, to you," he poked around in the little pile until he found a matching gift bag. Checking the tag he announced that he found his from his parents. "I'm hoping for socks."

I shook my head, turned to the navy box on my lap, that I pulled out of the gift bag, and froze as I read the white writing. "Devon..." I adsently grabbed for his arm. "This box..." I looked up at him, he was halfway into his gift but stopped long enough to ask me what was wrong. "It's a Ralph Lauren box!"

"Yeah," he shrugged, "so?"

I stared at him. "So? That's all you have you say?" He nodded and told me that it was a store like any other. "No it's not," I exclaimed. "It's a freaking expensive place and..." I shook my head in disbelief. "You parents didn't have to get me something from there."

"Oh don't worry, it's probably socks."

I laughed, "What's with you and socks today?"

Grinning, he told me that's what he asked his parents for. "They never get me socks though." He turned back to his gift and I hesitated. He must've saw for he poked me and told me to open it and enjoy. "My mom loves Christmas because it's the one time of year dad doesn't freak out when she shops - open it, love it and wear it today when we go to lunch."

My eyes narrowed, "You know what she bought me!"

"Well she did ask me clothing sizes," he said with a shrug and ripped the cover off his box. "Damn it!" He sighed, turning the box towards me, "No socks."

"What did you get?" I went to poke around in his gift but he pulled it away, telling me I could see his after I opened mine. "Ok, fine," I started to open the box. "But they didn't have to get..."

Devon leaned over and kissed me.

"...me anything," I said against his lips.

"They like you, they want you to like them." He smiled, "They also want me to settle down," he kissed me again. "They know how I feel about you."

"Devon, I..."

He laughed and pulled away. "They aren't bribing you Janie! They just wanted to get you something nice. It has nothing to do with me."

I didn't believe him but I let it go. To be honest, I was stoked that they got me something for Christmas and really over joyed that it came from Ralph Lauren, I never owned anything from there, I didn't care if it was socks.

Of course, it wasn't sock. No, his mom and dad gave me a black slim-fit cashmere crewneck sweater and a pair of white pants.

"What did you get?" I asked breathlessly after spending a good ten minutes going on about how much I loved what his parents gave me, how soft the sweater was and how excited I was to wear it when we went to see them.

"Well..." he reached into the box and grabbed something. "I got socks!" He waved the black socks in front of my face and told me that he was set for Christmas now, that I could have all his other presents.

"What else did you get?" I laughed.

He glanced at the box, pretended to look embarrassed and whispered, "Underwear."

"Oh? Can I see?"

"Later," he grinned, "I'll model them for you."

I ignored that comment as he pulled out the rest of the stuff his parents gave him - a blue striped polo shirt, white chinos, a light brown cashmere crewneck sweater, and a plain white dress shirt. But out of all that, he held the socks by his side the entire time we were opening presents.

There were just four presents left under the tree - the ones from Amber and Reed for us and the ones we had for each other. "I'll be right back," he jumped up and jogged towards the bathroom, returning moments later with a box of tissues.

"Are you getting sick?" I asked when he said down. He told me no. "Are you going to cry?" I asked him jokingly.

"I might," he said as he pulled out the gifts from Amber & Reed. "Here you go baby," he handed me a box that had to be a foot squared and then picked up his tiny gift box from them. "I'm trying to figure out why mine says, 'and especially from Alexis'."

"Open it and find out," I answered as I untied the green ribbon that Amber had tied around the pretty solid red giftwrap.

While I carefully opened the gift from Amber, Devon ripped the ribbon and wrap off his. He pulled the inside box open and pulled out a piece of paper and read, "Alexis walked around the store with these in her hands the whole time were we shopping." He looked puzzled as he tugged back the tissue paper to reveal two different picture frames, one had child like writing that said 'Uncles are the coolest' with some little pictures (car, hammer, planet, baseball, saw, etc) and inside the frame was a picture of Alexis and Devon. "Hey, that's the day care," he said in disbelief. The second frame was a double frame with a picture of Alexis when she was a baby in one side and a poem in the other. Devon read the poem outloud, it spoke of having fun together and being buddies forever.

"Hmmm," he stared at the frame once he finished reading it.

I waited, to see if he would say something else but he just sat there staring at the frame. I asked him if he was ok, he nodded and motioned to my present. I reluctantly turned my attention back to the box on my lap and he finally lifted his head a little. He took a deep breath, let it out and finally turned his wet, red eyes my way.

"What did you get?" He asked, trying to get my attention away from him.

I lifted the lid off the box and pulled back the tissue paper. "Ohhh...." my breath caught in my throat as I my eyes misted over almost so that I couldn't see the picture of me as a little girl on the front cover of the scrapbook. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the tissue box inching towards me. I laughed and cried as I took them from Devon. "You knew about this?"

He nodded.

I dabbed my eyes with the tissue and then asked him what Amber did as I pulled the book out of the box. I got my answer on the first page, she had written me a note. "Janie, I know that this month has been a difficult one for you; not only did you lose your mom, you lost all the special mementos of the time you shared with her and of the important events in your life. I know that nothing can ever fill that void you feel but I hope that this book of 'memories' will help ease the pain over time. I hope you like it. Merry Christmas my friend, I love you, Amber."

I started to flip through the pages and I was surprised to see so many pictures of me, my parents, my old friends and places that were special to me. I was shocked when I came to my school years and found a copy of the inside cover of our yearbook and a brunch of messages from all my old classmates. "How did she...?"

"I believe Amber called every single person she could think off to make this for you."

"Wow." That was all I could say. I started to bawl all over again, thinking about how much trouble she went through for me. And then I started to bawl because seeing all the pictures and stuff made me miss my mom.

For the longest time, Devon held me and let me cry. When I finally calmed down, he handed me a new tissue and jokingly told me we had to get Amber back for making me cry. I smiled at him and asked to be excused for a moment, I wanted to go and splash some water on my face.

I felt a lot better when I returned to the living room a few minutes later. "Ok," I sat down next to him again. "Let's open more."

"Ok," he handed me his present for me before picking up mine to his.

"Wait," I held my hand over the little hole that he had just finished making in the paper. He looked up, puzzled. "I just wanted to tell you that it's not much and I will make it up to you."

"Janie," he shook his head. "I don't care if you spent lot on it or not, that's not what's got me excited."

"It's not socks," I told him with a grin.

"Oh damn," he chuckled. "I was hoping." He removed my hand from the gift and told me to open mine.

I was watching him as I ripped the paper from the box in my hands.

"Oh hell yeah!" He exclaimed when he pulled the lid off the large rectangle tin to reveal all his favorite cookies.

"You like it?" I asked nervously.

He nodded and pulled a peanut butter cookie out of the tin, "This is better than socks!" He took a bite and I swear his eyes rolled back into his head. "Heaven," he moaned as he chewed. I watched him eat the cookie, his eyes didn't open until the last bite was gone. "I gotta have another one," he told me as he picked out a shortbread.

"I'm glad you like it," I smiled as he nodded happily. "I wasn't sure they would turn out but your mom did tell me that you loved them."

"You made these?" His hand stopped in mid air, his cookie was almost touching his lips.

"Yeah," I shrugged. "Amber helped me but I did most of the work."

He dropped the cookie into the tin suddenly and shoved the tin aside. I started to question what he was doing but when he took back the present he gave me, I felt terrible. "I'm sorry you..."

Devon pulled me off the floor and unto his lap. There was no time to react, his mouth claimed mine and my toes curled! His kiss was that passionate! When he released me, I had to hold on tight to his shoulders for I feared I would float away otherwise.

"You really like it," I grinned stupidly.

"Yes, I do," he chuckled. He pressed his lips against mine once more and then told me it was easy to buy a present but to make one was really something special. "I never had anyone make a present for me," he told me. "Let alone spend hours baking, just for me."

"Well," I ran my fingers from his temple to his ear and smiled, "You are pretty special."

"So are you Janie." He gave me a squeeze, "Now open your present!"

Laughing, I pulled the box towards us and opened it. "Ummm...wow, thanks Devon." I smiled but really I was wondering why on earth he would give me a set of 4 glasses for Christmas.

"They are really cool," he told me. "Check them out."

Even thought I didn't want too, I opened up the box of glasses for him. "They are..." I looked at him. "What's that?" I was pointing to the smaller box nestled between the four glasses.

"I don't know," he smiled.

"Sure you don't," I chewed nervously on my lip as I pulled the jewerly style box from the middle and set aside the glasses. The velvet cover of the box lifted off easily, its removal revealed a brownish colored tissure paper. I glanced at him, he kissed my cheek and motioned towards the box.

"You can breathe," he whispered as I unfolded the tissue paper.

"Ok," I flashed him a smile as my fingers gently pulled the cotton covering from the box. "Oh!" I gasped, almost dropping the box.

"Careful," he slipped his hand under mine, holding me steady. "Do you like it?"

"It's beautiful," I took a breath. "I love it but you didn't have too."

"I know," he reached around me with his other hand. "Want me to put it on you?"

"Yes," I reached up to pull my hair away from my neck as he took the jewelry box in his hand and carefully lifted the white gold rope chain from its cotton bed; the little heart pendant swung gently as he brought it to rest against my chest. "I love the little diamond sitting at the bottom of the heart," I said as my fingers touched the pendant. "It's so beautiful Devon," I looked over my shoulder and he met my gaze. "I love it, thank you." I turned towards him and wrapped my arms around his neck. "Thank you for making this Christmas special."

Out Of The Blue

2007-12-23T18:53:00.000-08:00

"What am I going to do?" I was sitting in Amber's kitchen coloring with Alexis as Amber and her mom were making dinner.

"I don't see what the problem is Janie," Amber looked up from the vegetables she was peeling. "If Devon is fine with you being there with him, then why not -"

"Oh Amber," Lenore waved off what Amber was about to say. "Janie, if you aren't comfortable staying at Devon's place, or if you are afraid that he will take advantage of the situation then you shouldn't be there."

"Well mom," Amber stopped what she was doing. "Where do you suggest she go?"

Lenore's eyes widened.

"Mom?"

"Mrs. Sands?"

"I have an idea," Lenore exclaimed. "I'll have to check out some things but I'm sure that we can have you out of Devon's place as soon as you want to leave there."

"Really mom?" Amber raised a brow. "Where exactly are 'we' going to move Janie?"

Lenore rolled her eyes before looking at Amber, "Well if you were any kind of friend, Janie would be staying here and Devon wouldn't have a chance to push her buttons like this again."

"Whoa!" I exclaimed, holding up both hands in mock surrender. "Ok, I don't mind staying with Devon, he's been great since the fire. I'm not being manipulated by him, he's not pressing my buttons and to be honest, I like living with him. I just don't want to be in his debt! If we were living together, equally, then it wouldn't be a big deal!" I stopped long enough to ask Alexis not to slap me in the mouth with her giant crayons.

Lenore came over to the table, "What are you saying Janie? That you are seriously considering getting back together with Devon?"

"Oh," Amber came running over to sit down too.

"Well..." I grinned, "There's just something about him that keeps pulling me back. It's not even a bad thing, it's..." I sighed.

Amber squealed excitedly as she clapped her hands together.

"Oh Amber really?" Her mom looked at her. "Just because he's Reed's friend, doesn't mean he's good for Janie." She paused for a beat before adding, "Now Reed's brother is a good guy."

"Mom! No!" Amber whined. "Sean is a good guy but Devon loves Janie."

Alexis slapped her hands against the table, giggled and said, "Dada!"

"But your daddy is taken sweetheart," I smiled. "Plus your mommy would kill me if I looked at him that way."

"Oh no," Amber smiled at me. "If you want him, feel free. Sometimes he just drives me crazy."

I laughed and almost said something about not needing to hear what he does to her in the bedroom but instead, I told her that I wasn't interested in Reed like that. "And Lenore, as good a guy as Sean is, I don't..."

"Oh Janie," Lenore went on to tell me that I should give Sean a chance because I wasted enough of my life on Devon. "He's a good boy Janie, but you need a man. Some one who'll take care of you, not play with your heart."

"Mom you don't know Devon all that well, he really does care for Janie. Yes, he did screw up in the past but he wants to make up for it." Amber turned to me, "Tell mom what Devon did for you a couple nights ago."

I couldn't help but smile as I told Lenore about my outing with Devon and the hours we spent decorating his place when we got home from the store. "When we were finished, he lit started a fire and we snuggled together on the couch and drank eggnog. It was the most romantic thing we ever did together," I sighed happily. "It was the best night ever."

Beside me, Amber reached over and squeezed my hand, "It's the best feeling in the world, isn't it?" She asked. "Every time Reed does some thing romantic, I feel like the luckiest woman in the world."

"I bet you do," I grinned. "But now what do I do?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, he's being great. I feel happier than I ever felt with him before but what do I do now? How do I let him know I'm interested in him like that?" I gasped. "What if he loses interest in me now that I'm interested in him?"

"Oh don't be so silly Janie! Devon isn't going to stop loving you if you show him some interest. In fact," Amber gave me a knowing look. "Put on something sexy and you'll always have his interest."

"Amber a woman shouldn't have to 'put on something sexy' in order to keep a man's interest," Lenore seemed to scoff at the idea completely.

"Is that so mom?" Amber raised a brow. "Then what was with those 'outfits' in your closet? You are telling me you never got all sexy for dad?"

"Oh Amber! Honestly!" Lenore jumped up from the table and returned to the stove, mumbling something about children thinking they know it all while Amber and I laughed.

"She's right though," Amber leaned in to whisper to me. "You don't have to put on something sexy to keep Devon's interest, you just have to care about him and the rest will happen."

I told her that I knew what she meant but I wasn't so sure that picking things up with Devon was the right thing to do at the moment. "I just want to get back on my feet, you know?"

She nodded, "Yes, I know all about it. That's what I was trying to do when I told Reed that I wouldn't move in with him when I moved back here. I needed time to find my place here and in his life. I needed to know that what I was feeling for him was real and not just residual feeling from when we were first dating."

I spent the rest of the evening at Amber's house, Devon came by around ten to pick me up and take me back to his place. Just after we walked in through the door, his phone rang and he ran to answer it.

"It's for you," he plopped down on the couch next to me and held out the phone. With a questioning look, he told me it was Amber's mom.

I gave him a shrug in response to his question. "Hello Mrs. Sands," I said cheerfully when I placed the phone to my ear. "What can I do for you?"

"It's more like, what can I do for you Janie dear," Lenore replied before launching into a story about her evening after she left Amber's earlier. I was barely paying attention so it came as a huge shock when she said, "Carl and I talked about it and we would love it if you would consider moving into the guest house until get on your feet."

Out Of Nothing At All

2007-12-22T08:23:00.000-08:00

I was laying in the living room last night, flipping through one of Devon's architecture magazines, checking out different styles of homes I wished I had the money to build on my mother's land when I heard his keys in the lock. I sat up, a little nervous about seeing him, I had been going over what I was going to say to him all day.

You can do this, I took a deep breath as the knob turned and the front door opened slowly.

"Jan-ie," he called out in a sing songy voice as he poked his head through the opening. "Hey sexy lady," he grinned when he saw me sitting on the couch.

He was acting strange and that made me forget all about what I had been worrying over for the last couple days. "What are you doing Devon?"

"Oh nothing," he pushed the door open and whistled as he wandered in the door and crossed over to where I was sitting. "How was your day sweetheart?" He fingered the magazines that were scattered on the cushions between us. "Do a little light reading?"

"Uh huh," I smiled. "I was doing a little 'I wish' browsing."

"You know," he picked up the magazine I was reading when he came home. "I can do anything in these magazines."

I smiled, "Yes I know and you are very good at it too."

His face lit up, "Thank you Janie, I didn't even know you noticed my work before."

"Are you kidding me?" I jumped up excitedly. "I read all the articles about you and your designs, and I drove by most of the sites..." I trailed off when I realized just how stalkerish I sounded but it was true, I followed Devon's career very closely, I used to think I needed to know everything he was doing in order to be with him.

"I didn't know that," he told me in all seriousness. "I thought you were bored by what I do."

"No!" I exclaimed as I grabbed his arm. "I'm in awe of what you do, I can't believe some of the designs you do. I mean, Reed and Amber's home? That's beautiful Devon."

"You saw the folder of pictures that Reed had on that house. It had to be everything Amber wanted, she designed her own house."

"No way," I laughed. "It may have been Amber's ideas but you, you made them work and now they have a beautiful home to enjoy."

He shrugged, "It's what I do Janie."

"You are so talented Devon, why do you make it seem like it's not a big deal?"

"I also design boring office buildings too Janie."

"Yes but even then they seem to stand out some how."

He chuckled, "Be careful Sweetheart, I believe there are stars in your eyes."

"Whatever," I rolled my eyes. "Why can't I compliment you without you making it a joke?"

"Janie come on, I said 'thank you' already. I'm a guy, we don't handle all that mushy complimenting well."

"No?" I raised a brow. "Then how come you basked in the glory of my after sex compliments?"

"In the euphoria I feel after sex, you could've told me I was the worst lover in the world and I would've laid there with the same stupid grin on my face," he glanced at me. "I would've known you were lying, but I still would've laid there like a moron."

"Whatever," I grabbed the magazine from him. We sat there for a while in complete silence. I was ok with that but I guess he wasn't, he poked me in the ribs. I gave him a dirty look, "What was that for?"

"I was thinking about something today at work."

"Oh damn," I sighed. "It's going to storm now, isn't it?"

"Ha ha," he whacked my leg with a magazine.

"Hey!" I pulled the magazine from him and asked what he was thinking.

"Well, it's December 21," he paused as if he was waiting for me to say something but I just gave him a questioning look. He sighed, "I know the past couple weeks haven't been easy for you and maybe you just don't feel like it but I was wondering if you wanted, and you don't have too, but if you do we could, I wouldn't have a problem with it at all..."

I held up my hand to stop his rambling. "Devon what are you trying to say?"

"See the thing is, I know how much you love this time of year..." I turned away from him and he sighed. "Janie I know it's tough because you miss your mom, and I know I'm not a great substitution for her at all but I was thinking, if you wanted, we could go out tonight and pick up a tree and decorations and..." he reached out a hand and touched my shoulder, I turned to him with tears in my eyes. "Oh Sweetheart," he groaned. "I just wanted you to be happy, we don't have to go if you don't want too, in fact, I'll cancel Christmas this year!"

"You can't do that," I chuckled as I wiped away my tears. "There will be a lot of unhappy children if you do that."

"Oh I don't care," he moved down the couch towards me, pulling me into his arms. "I just want you to be happy."

"Devon..." I was at a lost for words, I didn't know what to do, so I hugged him and nodded.

"Is that a 'yes'?" He asked hopefully.

"Yes," I laughed. "I can't have you cancelling Christmas just because of me."

A half hour later, Devon and I strolled through the crowds of holiday shoppers, making our way towards the stores Christmas displays and I felt like I was 5 years old and it was Christmas morning all over again.

Until I stood in front of the seven foot tree I was falling in love with and I realized that I couldn't afford the stand it would sit in. "I can't do this," I walked away and instead of arguing with me, he just followed me, not saying a word until we were standing outside his car in the frosty evening air. Then all he said was, "I'm sorry."

He unlocked the doors, opened mine and stood there, waiting for me to get in. I tilted my head back to gaze up at him. I expected him to be upset but he wasn't. He stood there looking so calm as he held the door open for me; it was different than anything I could've expected from him.

I lowered my head and stared at my hands. "With all my mom's debts, I can't afford this Devon."

"Who said you had to pay for it Janie?"

My head shot up. "I can't let you continue paying my way and buying stuff for me Devon, it's not right." I took a deep breath, "I was going to tell you when you got home tonight, I don't think I should be staying at your place anymore, I've burdened you long enough."

"Burdened me?" Devon gripped my chin as he leaned down until his nose almost touched mine. "Listen here Janie, you are not a burden. If I didn't want to help you, to have you at my place, you wouldn't be there." He released me, "Janie, Janie, Janie..." he shook his head as he looked helplessly at me. "You have no idea how scared I was that night, do you?"

I stared at him blankly.

"God Janie! When I called Amber's to talk to Reed, she was freaking out, crying and mumbling something about a fire at your place and having to be there for you. I didn't know until I got there that you weren't even home at the time. On the drive over, I pleaded with God - do you have any idea how often I talk to Him? Not at all. But the drive over, I pleaded with him, begged and even offered myself to Him in your place -"

"Why would you do that?"

"Because I love you damnit!" I jumped, surprised at the force behind his words. "I'm sorry," he said softly. "I love you," he repeated. "I know that I repeatedly screw our relationship up. I know I'm not the world's greatest boyfriend - hell, I'm probably the guy every mother warns their daughter about - but God, Janie! I thought I would lose you that night and it scared the shit out of me!"

"I heard all this before Devon."

"No," he shook his head furiously. "Not this. This is different."

"How is this different? It all sounds the same to me."

"It's different because I'm different Janie and so are you." I closed my eyes, he growled softly. "I know you don't believe me - I don't blame you Janie, I wouldn't believe me either but I swear it's true. This is different." He touched me, my eyes flew open to meet his. He gazed into my eyes for the longest time before turning away - I figured he saw he wasn't really getting anywhere and was giving up but as quickly as he turned away, he spun around to face me again. "This is different," he insisted. "If this were a couple months ago, I would kiss you - use your feelings for me to my advantage and make you see things my way - but I'm not going to do that. I'm going to ask you something Janie, if you want to do it - great - if you don't, then that's ok too." He waited a moment and then he asked if I was ok with that.

I considered it for a moment before nodding slowly, "What do you want to ask me?"

"Ok," he went to touch me but he stopped and shoved his hands into his pockets. "Janie, will you let me make this the best Christmas you could possibly have under the circumstances? Will you let me buy a tree and decorations? Will you help me put it all together when we get home? Will you make this the best Christmas I've ever had?" His lips twitched as he jokingly added, "I guess that was more than one question."

I went to answer but he stopped me. "Wait, let me ask that again, I think I can do better." I raised a brow as I tried not to laugh. "Janie," he smiled as he started again. "Will you spend Christmas with me?"

"I have a question of my own before I answer yours," I told him. "Actually, I have a couple."

Without hesitation, he nodded. "Go ahead, ask."

"I was wondering," I glanced around the busy parking lot, at all the happy families and I felt a pain in my heart. I shook my head, "No, I need to know that you are ok with me finding another place to stay. I need to know that you won't be expecting me to slip into the role of 'girlfriend' if I agree to stay for Christmas." I lifted my hand to his face, his eyes closed briefly when my fingertips brushed his jaw. "I'm feeling very vulnerable Devon."

Devon wrapped his hand around mine, holding it in place as he turned his head and kissed my palm. "I know," he lowered our hands between us. "That's why I'm trying not to push you," he smiled sadly. "I don't want you to leave after Christmas," he admitted. "But I won't stop you if that's what you feel you have to do."

With a gentle squeeze, I whispered, 'thank you.' And then tugged on his hand, "So what are we standing around here for? The tree isn't going to buy itself!"

I would love to say that we, with childlike abandonment, ran hand in hand back towards the crowded store but it wasn't that picture perfect. No, it wasn't like that at all. He walked along side me as I hobbled my way back towards the door, catching me every time my crutch slipped in the snow.

That was prefect.

Too Close For Comfort

2007-12-19T11:07:00.000-08:00

"That's why I think you should give me the land," my dad said smugly over his glass of wine.

"Excuse me?" I stared at him blankly. "You think I should give you the land that my mom left me, the land that had been in her family for generations, because you feel you deserve it after being married to her?"

Dad scoffed, "It's not like you can afford to rebuild on the land Janie. The taxes alone are more than you can afford. I'm only thinking of you dear."

Yeah, right! I shook my head in disbelief. "Is that all you wanted?" I asked, he had been calling Devon's place since the night of the fire and calling Devon at work everyday to set up this meeting. "You don't want to know how I'm doing? If I'm having nightmares? Or if I'm even missing mom?"

"Janie come on! Of course you are having nightmares! That woman was horrible!"

"Hey!" I jumped up, not caring that my actions drew the attention of those seated in the restaurant around me. "I loved mom and I miss her everyday dad. I'm not going to just give you the only thing left from the time I spent with her and I don't appreciate the way you belittle her, even now, after she's dead." I grabbed my purse and crutches, "I have to go."

It didn't take much for him to catch up with me, I was, after all, trying to maneuver through a bust restaurant on crutches. "Listen Janie -"

"No dad, you listen. That land is all I have left from mom, I may not be able to live on it right now but I plan on doing so in the future."

"Be reasonable Janie, you can't afford it."

"You're right," I admitted. "I don't have a lot of money to throw around like you do but I'll be damned if I just give my mother's family land over to the man who screwed around with her heart long after the divorce was final." He tried to tell me that I didn't know what I was talking about but I didn't want to hear it, I found out lots of stuff since the fire that I didn't know. "I know that neighbours talk dad, I know about the visits you made to the house while I was out, I know about the booze you brought mom." My dad paled and I wanted to punch his lights out. "I know all about the promises you made to her dad, all the lies you told her about coming home and being a family again."

"Janie..."

"No," I snapped. "I don't want to hear it," I told him. As I turned to left, I threw one last comment over my shoulder, "As far as I'm concerned, you killed my mom."

When I got back to Devon's last night, I wanted to head straight for his bathroom, fill his huge tub with bubbles and hideaway for the rest of the night but he was waiting by the door when I let myself in.

"Your dad called me," he helped me with my coat. "He told me that you were upset and he just wanted to make sure you got back here ok."

"Sure he did," I rolled my eyes.

Devon watched me cross the floor to his couch to sit down. "Did you at least finish your meal before you got upset and stormed out?" I glared at him. "I'm just asking because I ordered some Chinese take out," he told me with a smile. "I called them just after I hung up with your dad, I figured you would be hungry still."

He joined me on the couch, "Did you want to talk about what happened?"

I shook my head and then started to spill everything that happened. By the time I was done, he was holding me and I was crying, a situation that has happened a lot since the fire. "God, I hope this doesn't become a pattern for us," I said jokingly when I could speak without sobbing again.

"I kind of like this," he murmured.

"You do?" I glanced up at him.

"Mmhmm," he smiled, "I don't like the reason this is happening but I like being the one to comfort you instead of being the one to piss you off." He pressed his lips against my forehead and sighed contently. "Despite all the energy you put into pushing me away Janie, I don't believe that your feelings for me have changed." He pulled back enough to gaze into my eyes. "I know my feelings for you haven't changed."

"Devon -"

He cut me off with a kiss. "Don't," he pleaded softly. "Don't think, just let this moment happen."

The moment he was talking about just involved me being all wrapped up in his arms, I didn't have the energy to fight him so I didn't.

This morning as I pretended to be asleep while he got ready for work, I realized that I couldn't stay here any longer without losing myself in him again. It's time I found another place to stay.

Telling him that will be the hardest part, he seems to like having me around.

Beginning To Be Me Again

2007-12-13T13:18:00.000-08:00

I woke up on the couch this morning, like I have a couple mornings since I've been here, and immediately I started to think about what I could do to show Devon I really appreciated all that he's down for me. Sure, something sexual crossed my mind but I didn't think I was really in the right place, mentally, to open up that can of worms again.

So I did the next best thing. I pushed the blanket back, rolled off the couch and headed into his kitchen. After a quick search of his fridge and cupboards, I decided that I would make him breakfast. I'm not much of a cook, so bacon, eggs, toast and coffee would have to be good enough.

"Well it can't be any worse than the junk he normally eats for breakfast," I muttered as I tugged the coffee filters out of his cupboard. On a normal morning, Devon got up at 6 to shower and shave. He was dressed and out the door by 7 so he could stop at the corner fast food restaurant for some imitation egg and bacon sandwich and really horrible coffee before he headed into the office for 8.

"At least I know how to make a great cup of coffee," I smiled as I pressed the button on his coffeemaker. "All those pots of coffee I had to make at the office are finally of some use to me."

As the coffee perked, I rummaged through his cupboards until I found his grill and toaster. "This is going to be great," I told myself as I heated the grill up and pulled the bacon out of the fridge.

A few minutes later, the bacon was sizzling nicely on the grill and the aroma of fresh brewed coffee drifted through the kitchen. After turning the strips of bacon over, I pulled a mug from the rack and filled it with the hot rich brew before heading off across the floor to Devon's bedroom.

Even though I heard him stirring a few minutes before, I still paused outside his door, knocked and waited for his 'come in'. "Good morning," I flashed him a smile as I neared the bed.

"Mmmm morning," he pressed his hands against the mattress to push himself up into a sitting position. "Couldn't sleep?" He glanced at the unused pillow next to his.

"No," I lowered myself onto his mattress. "I actually fell asleep on the couch last night."

"Oh, I see." He spotted the mug in my hand. "What's that?"

"Coffee," I held it out to him. "You still like it black, right?"

"It's for me?" I nodded and he smiled. "Thank you," he took the mug from me and brought it up to his lips. "Oh yeah," he sighed happily, "That's the ticket."

I grinned. "I'm glad you like it," I said as I stood to return to the kitchen and his breakfast.

"Where are you going?" He asked me. "Why don't you grab a cup of coffee and come sit with me for a few minutes?"

As tempting as he looked sitting there with is hair all messed up and sleepy expression on his face, I resisted and told him I had to go back tot he kitchen before the bacon burnt. I was halfway through his bedroom door when I heard him scramble out of bed as he mumbled, "before the bacon burns?"

I made my way over to the grill with Devon on my heel. "What are you doing?" He asked as he stared at the grill full of bacon before turning his disbelieving eyes my way. "Are you...making me breakfast?"

"Yes," I moved closer to him and pressed my hand against his chest. "I thought it would be nice to do this for you for being so nice to me since my mom..."

"Oh Janie," he placed his mug on the counter and pulled me into his arms. He rubbed my back and spoke soothing words to me as I sobbed against his chest. "You don't have to do this for me, you don't owe me anything baby."

"I know," I sniffled as I looked up at him. "I just thought it would be nice, you wouldn't have to go to the corner to get something to eat and..."

"That's a good idea," he reached up to tuck a stray strand of hair behind my ear. "I like this," he nodded towards the grill. "I've never had anyone cook anything for me before."

"Don't get used to it," I chuckled nervously as I moved out of his arms.

"I won't," he grinned. "I'm not about to take this for granted Janie."

While I finished cooking breakfast, Devon set the table and then he stood near me with his back against the counter while he drank his second cup of coffee. "This is awesome," he told me for the third time. "It smells wonderful in here and that," he pointed to the plate of bacon and sighed. "I can't wait to eat."

It may not have been a big deal for me to cook breakfast for him but long after he had gone to work, I was still smiling. It felt good. It was the first time since the fire that I did something that made me happy.

And it really helped that Devon was very appreciative of my efforts. Plus he told me, before he left for work, how happy he was to see a smile on my face again. "It looks really good on you Janie."

Fine And Dandy - I Won't Let Sorrow Bring Me Down

2007-12-12T23:25:00.000-08:00

I'm laying in Devon's living room, on his couch, with his laptop on my lap. The only sounds I hear come from his big bulky stereo headphones that I've plugged into the laptop so I could hear music instead of listening to my thoughts anymore. It helps a little.

Or it did until I came across the Christmas music he has on here. Now, I'm trying really hard not to fall to pieces again as the memories of Christmas past haunt me.

Christmas to me was always the best time of year, it always seemed so magical. It seemed that no matter what was going on around me, the spirit of Christmas was strong enough to push the bad stuff away for a while.

Growing up my parents fought all the time, so much so that I thought it was normal for parents to argue. They tried to keep it from me but sound travelled so easily in the early morning hours. But that didn't seem to matter around Christmas time, that seemed to be the only time my parents were happy together.

Looking back on it now, I know that they were just pretending. The happiness they displayed during this time of year was only a mask they wore so the rest of the world wouldn't know that they thought they were trapped in a relationship with someone one they didn't love.

Well, that was my dad's reasoning I guess. He's the one who left while mom was left to sink into the depths of depression. Do I blame him for what happened to my mom after he left? You're damn right I do! My mom was head over heels for him, she married him despite the disapproval of her family because she was sure that he was the man for her.

Yeah, for her and every other woman who climbed into his bed.

My dad was never faithful and my mom knew that. Once I asked her how on earth she could live with knowing her husband was out screwing anything that walked and she replied, "He's not a bad man Janie, he may have mistresses but it's me he comes home to every night." I asked her how that could possibly be a healthy relationship and she become upset. "I love him Janie," she told me. "You wouldn't understand because you've never been in love but when you do, you'll find out that you'll do anything to keep the man you love."

"I don't think so," I told her then. "I'll never let a man use me like he's using you. It's not love mom, there's no way it could be."

Little did I know that not even three years after I had that conversation with my mom, I would find myself in pretty much the same position with Devon. And like my mom, I stupidly believed that it was ok. That it was alright that he cheated all the time because I was 'his girl'. It wasn't until I saw Reed hurting over Amber's leaving that I realized what my parents had and what I had with Devon wasn't a real relationship. That's when I swore to myself that I would find a man who loved me like Reed loved Amber.

I'm embarrassed to admit this but for a while I thought that in order to have that love, I would have to have Reed. No, I didn't make a play for my best friend's man but I thought about it. It wouldn't have worked Reed was too heartbroken over Amber to even notice anyone else. And when he did start to pull himself out from the bottle he drowned himself in, all his focus was on finding her and convincing her to give him another chance.

I thank God everyday that I was smart enough to realize that having Reed wouldn't mean I would have the love he felt for Amber before I did something stupid.

Which brings me to Cary. He's sweet and kind. He's funny and smart but that's it. I knew from the beginning he wasn't for me but actually having a man want my opinion and want to spend his spare time with me was new and I convinced myself it was love. That's why I agreed to marry him so quickly.

But then Devon had to go and 'change'. He had to go tell everyone who would listen how much he 'loved' me and it made me hopeful. I resisted him for a while but I knew it would only be a matter of time before he talked his way back into my bed.

And boy, did he ever talk his way back into my bed! I actually believed that we were given a second chance but soon the dream like state washed away and I realized that it still wasn't everything it should've been. Part of it was me holding back from him because I didn't want to end up like my mom did when my dad finally left her. I didn't want to be like her and there were too many similarities between my dad and Devon. The other part of it was that I was comparing our relationship with Amber and Reed's and, sadly, it came up seriously lacking.

Maybe I have to stop comparing my relationships with those of the people around me. Maybe I have to stop looking for reasons to leave.

I mean, if you would've told me a couple months ago that there would come a time when I would spend almost two weeks with Devon and he wouldn't once try to get into my pants or make a move on me, I would've laughed in your face. But that's the way it's been since the fire, I've been here every single day and he hasn't made a move even though his eyes and body tell me that he wants me.

He's been really good to me since it happened. He helped me plan the funeral, he stood beside me at the cemetery. He's held me when I need a hug. He's been everything I need him to be. I have a feeling if it weren't for him, I would've given in to the depression that's lurking in the shadows.

I want to do something for him. Something to show him how grateful I am that he's been so good to me but I don't know what. I'm open to suggestions...

Hellfire

2007-12-09T09:37:00.000-08:00

I haven't stopped shaking since that night. I haven't been into work, I haven't been out of this place actually. I'm too scared to be anywhere out there at the moment. Right now, I'm sitting on a couch in a room that I never thought I would see the inside of again. A place I didn't think I would ever be welcomed. The events of the other night has changed that.

That night. I want to cry every time I think of it. It's so unbelievable. I can't believe that it all started so innocently. It started with me getting ready to leave Amber and Reed's house after being over there most of the day last Saturday - God I can't even believe it's been a week since my life got turned upside down and inside out.

I was leaving Amber's house, getting ready to go home when Sean came over. I felt weird seeing him again since the last time I saw him, he walked out of my room instead of kissing me. At first I was pissed that he invaded my space but soon I was angry that he left without kissing me. Now though, I just fell strange when I think about what could've happened. Amber and I had joked since the moment she met Reed, how it would be perfect if he had a brother I could date but I never thought - I mean how could I even think about him or see him or anything without seeing Reed? And unfortunately, that's all I see when I look at Sean. It's creepy.

"How's my favorite sister in law?" Sean greeted Amber with a kiss on the cheek and then asked where Reed was.

Amber told him that Reed was still at work, "But please feel free to go and rescue him," she told him. "I would love to see my fiance," she giggled when she said 'fiance', it was cute.

"I'll do that," he told her, promising to have Reed home within the hour.

"Oh thank you!" She hugged him tight. "You have no idea how long it's been since -"

"Hey, hey, hey!" Sean held up his hands in mock surrender. "I don't need to know about my brother's sex life...ever!" He turned, as if to walk out the door and 'noticed' me - like he didn't see me before that. "Hey Janie," he had the nerve to flash his pearly whites at me like nothing ever almost happened between us. "Didn't see you there," he lied as his eyes ran down over my body. "You were heading out? Did you need a ride? I didn't see a car out there."

"No, that's -"

"Oh would you Sean?" Amber butt in with a grin on her face. "I would really appreciate it, Alexis is getting cranky and needs a bath."

So I that's how I ended up with Sean driving me home, once again.

"I wanted to talk to you about the other day," he said after a long silence as we drove to my house.

"I don't know what you are talking about," I stared out the passenger window.

He laughed, "Oh you know exactly what I'm talking about - Spitfire."

I rolled my eyes. "My name is Janie, do you have problems remembering simple stuff like that?" I turned to him, "I know they say the memory is the first thing to go when you get old..."

"Don't be worrying about my memory Sunshine, it hasn't forgotten the look in your eyes before I left the other day," he paused, glanced at me and smiled. "You wanted me, badly."

"Uh huh," I scoffed. "I want you, I need you...oh baby, oh baby!" I rolled my eyes as I quoted a line from '10 Things I Hate About You' - I had rewatched that movie the day before.

He just laughed but his smile faded as he turned a corner. His eyes widened, his jaw dropped as he stared, unblinkingly, out the windshield.

"I'm not that into -"

"Janie!" Sean reached out, grabbed my arm. "Please tell me I'm on the wrong street."

"No, this is..." I froze.

Sean pulled up to the curb. "Janie," he turned to me but I didn't see him, I was transfixed on the bright orange-red flickering flames and the black smoke that consumed my house. "Janie," he shook me. "I'm sure that it's not as bad as we think," he told me. "Let's go see where your mom is and -"

"Mom?" I felt my heart jump into my throat. "Mom!" I pulled on the door handle hard enough that it almost came off in my hand. Shoving the door open, I leapt out only to fall on my face onto the side of the road. "Mom!" I screamed out as I slammed into the ground.

"Janie hold on!" Sean ran over to me, he tried to help me up but I was crawling - that's right - crawling towards the group of people, my neighbours, who were all gathered as they watched my home go up in smoke.

"This can't be happening," I said as he pulled me off the ground and held me at his side. "I have too...I need..." There was a loud bang, I screamed and jumped. "Mom!" I wrestle against his hold but he wouldn't let me go.

"Janie I'll go check on your mom, why don't you sit down and -"

"You think I can just sit?" I stared at him in disbelief. "That's my HOME Sean! My HOME! And my MOM! Could you just sit?"

"No, I would have to know..."

"See? I need to go find -"

"But you can't get around that well Janie!" He pushed me backwards until I was up against his car. "Sit here and I'll go see what I can find out," he ordered.

I felt helpless as he ran from me and into the crowd. I can't even tell you what I was thinking at that moment, all I can remember is thinking that Sean would find mom and she would explain to me what was going on. She would tell me that she accidentally dropped her cigarette and it started a fire, like she did before. Only this time, I stared at the inferno that was my house. All my memories of being in that house started to flash before my eyes - playing in the back yard with my parents, barbecues, parties and sleep overs with Amber. Oh mom, what did you do? Why did you have to get drunk and start a fire again? How many times have I told you about smoking and drinking?

It seemed like a lifetime passed since Sean left my side to go find out what had happened. I was starting to wonder where he was, I decided to go find him when I heard a voice I certainly didn't expect.

"Janie! Oh thank God!" His arms were around me, his lips pressing tiny kisses all over my face as he mumbled his thanks.

"Devon?" I was confused, how did he get there? "What are you doing here?"

"Amber called me," he told me as he held me at arm's lenght and stared down into my eyes. "Baby I thought the worst. Amber called me freaking out, said something about fire and you...I didn't even take the time to ask, I just came over here." He glanced behind him before turning his worried gaze back at me. "What happened here?"

"Isn't it obvious?" A familiar male voice came from behind Devon. "Darla got drunk and burnt down the fucking house! God! She never fails to ruin my night!"

"Dad!" I gasped.

"What?" He glared at me. "Are you going to defend your mother this time? Tell me that she didn't mean any of this? That it was a mistake?" He started to mumble, I made out 'always throwing a wrench in my happiness, the spiteful bitch.'

"Mr Wells," Devon's arm slipped around my waist as he turned to my father. "I really don't think this is the right time to get into this, let's just wait and see what Mrs Wells has to say about-"

"I'm afraid that's not going to happen," Sean reappeared with a somber look on his face, his eyes were on me and nothing else.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Devon demanded as he tried to step between Sean and me.

Sean's eyes drifted from me to Devon, "I was bringing Janie home," he told him as he turned his attention back to me. "I'm sorry."

"Well it wasn't your fault," I said stupidly. "Amber did have to put Alexis to bed..." I trailed off as he cringed. "Sean what...?"

"Janie," he reached for me but I slapped his hands away and demanded that he tell me what he was sorry about.

"They couldn't help her Janie," he reached for my hands and I let him take them. I was shaking, I didn't want to hear what he was about to say, I had a bad feeling what it was. "They tried everything but they were too late," I felt my knees give out and Devon's arms tightened around my waist as he held me upright. "They just brought her out," he shook his head. "She died before they could get to her."

In slow moment, I heard him say those words. In slow motion, I looked from him to the fire and back again. "NO!" I cried as I struck out at him.

"I'm sorry," he dodged my punch. "I'm so sorry Janie, your mom didn't survive."

"No!" I screamed at him. He repeated that he was sorry and he made a move to come towards me but I turned from him...

...right into the warmth of Devon's arms. I pressed my face against his chest, my hands gripped his shirt as I sobbed uncontrollably for my mom.

It's been a week since that night, I know I said that before and I'm sorry I repeat myself it's not easy to wrap my mind around it still. Everything seems unreal. A dream. A nightmare.

Amber had asked Sean to bring me back to her place but I couldn't go there. I didn't want to be around them, they didn't know how it felt and I didn't want to be a burden to them.

He didn't know how I felt and I didn't want to be a burden to him either. But I let him take me back to his place. I let him hold me as I cried myself to sleep that night. I let him try and soothe me when I woke up screaming from the nightmares.

He's been so good to me since that night. He hasn't pushed me for anything, he's been here for me. He's let me do what I needed to do to deal with this and he's given me everything I could possibly need. He even resisted me when I started to strip for him, even though, I saw his desire for me in his eyes and in the telltale bulge in his pants.

He's been everything I needed and wanted. It has left me wondering why I ever thought he wasn't the man for me.

Did I give him the chance he deserved after everything happened with Kelly? Or was I still upset and getting back at him for all the times he hurt me in the past?

I wonder those things but neither one of those questions was the biggest question on my mind. That one was, why is he doing this? Why is he being so good to me after all I did? Why does he still care?

Going Crazy

2007-12-05T12:13:00.001-08:00

So much as happened. So much. I don't even know where to start. I don't know how to explain it. I don't...

The pain is more real than I thought it would be. But yet nothing seems real. I feel like I'm living in a daze. Like nothing is real.

But it is. I smelt the smoke. I smell the smoke still. It stings my eyes. It burns my throat. It haunts my sleep.

Not that I sleep much. I can't. It's been so long. I'm so tired.

To sleep is to dream.

I don't want to dream.

I want to wake up and find that this was all a dream.

Oh Dear God! Please let this all be a horrible, horrible dream.

Spitfire

2007-11-26T05:17:00.000-08:00

I wish I could say that Sean and I came home to find one of my 'guys' sitting on my doorstep waiting for me to get my pretty little butt home but no, that would be too 'every girl's fantasy'. No, Sean pulled his car up in front of my house only to see my mother at her finest - screaming at our neighbours with a drink in her hand and a cigarette hanging from her lips.

"Mom!" I fumbled with the door handle in my haste to get out of Sean's car and over to my mom before the neighbours called the cops on her...again.

"Janie just wait," Sean was out of the car and opening my door before I could even respond. "Did you want me to -"

I gripped the frame of the car, pulling myself out. "Mom!" I called again as, in a moment of stupidity, I stepped down with my injured ankle. "Damn it!"

"Hey now," Sean caught me in his arms, holding me tight against his chest. "How about you let me help you Sunshine?"

"My name is Janie!" I snapped at him. "Not Sunshine!"

"Oh?" He raised a brow. "You don't like Sunshine? How do you feel about Little Spitfire?" When I rolled my eyes, he laughed. "Ah yes, that's a good name for you, Spitfire."

"Janie!" My mom came running over to us. "What happened to you?" While I was telling my mom how I fell and hurt myself, she turned to Sean. "You aren't Devon."

"No ma'am I'm not," he held out his hand to her, "I'm -"

"I know who you are," mom cut him off as she turned to me in disbelief. "I'm shocked Janie, I didn't think you had it in you."

"Didn't think I had what in me?"

"To get what you want without worrying about what others think." She stared at Sean for a moment, "It's about time someone put that snooty little brat in her place and showed her that she can't have everything." To me she continued, "I don't know how you could've been friends with that girl anyway, you are too good for her."

I frowned, my mom was prone to rambling on about nothing when she was drinking, it always confused me. "Mom I don't know what you are talking about."

Mom wasn't listening to me though, she was still rambling on, "Although being seen in broad daylight flirting with with the little tramp's boyfriend wasn't the smartest idea...unless," her eyes widen. "Are you planning on sticking it to her? Show her that she's nothing? That she doesn't deserve a rich young man like Reed?"

"Reed?" I gasped - first in confusion and then in shock as I realized that mom thought Sean was Reed. "Mom! This isn't Reed!"

"Oh sure," mom laughed. "And I'm the Queen of France!"

It took a few minutes and Sean showing her his ID before she believed that he wasn't Reed. "Well," she got all snotty. "You are still a better catch than that little tramp."

"Amber isn't a tramp mom! She's my best friend and I won't stand here and let you talk down about her." I went to stomp off towards the house, forgetting about my ankle for a moment. "Son of a..." I bit my bottom lip as the pain shot up through my leg.

Sean's arms were around me before I could fall into a heap on the ground. "Maybe you should cut out the dramatics until the ankle is better?"

I glared at him. "Shut up."

He chuckled, "What am I going to do with you Spitfire?"

"How about you leave me alone? That would be a good place to start."

"Hmmm," he shrugged. "And miss all the cute little remarks you make?" He shook his head. "Nah, where would the fun be in that?"

"Just leave me - hey!" I shrieked as he lifted me up in his arms. "Put me down!" I demanded but he ignored me.

"Bring the crutches," he said to my mom as he headed towards my house.

Sean didn't put me down until he had forced his way into my house and stood before my bed. "You should get some rest," he told me as he laid me back against the pillows he made my mom arrange for me. "You'll need your strenght when you start using those crutches - I won't always be here to help you."

He was still leaning over me as he spoke. If I wanted too, all I had to do was lift my hand and I would be able to touch him pretty much everywhere. He was too close. I didn't want anyone to be that close to me, it stopped me from thinking straight. It made me say stupid things like, "Why can't you stay?"

"There's no reason I can't," he said softly as his eyes slide from mine to rest on my lips for a moment. "Mmm," he smiled. "I could stay..." For the second time in less than ten minutes, I was biting my bottom lip but this time it was for a totally different reason as his rough fingers brushed against my cheek. "Don't do that," he groaned as his thumb attempted to coax my lip from between my teeth. "Let me do it instead."

A groan from deep inside me escaped as my eyes closed. "I'm not stopping you." I could feel his breath against my cheek, I waited for his lips to connect with mine but it never happened. He pulled away and the cold air surrounded me. "Sean?" I opened my eyes to see him retreat to the door. "What's wrong?"

He didn't stop to answer me, he just walked through my doorway, "Take care of yourself," he threw over his shoulder before he disappeared.

I've heard from everyone except for Sean since that day, they all wanted to know how I was doing. Even Devon dropped by with flowers but I was sleeping so he just told mom to give them to me.

I don't know what he's doing. I don't know why I care. I wish I didn't, it shouldn't matter to me but it does.

Strange Day

2007-11-20T10:41:00.000-08:00

I thought the moment Sean got me into the emergency room, he would make any excuse to disappear. "Thanks for bringing me here," I said as I filled out the paperwork required to see the doctor on duty that evening. "When I'm through, I'll call my mom, she should be able to come and get me." I was lying though, I didn't know if my mom would even be sober if I were to call her but I felt bad that Sean was here when he didn't really have to be - it wasn't his fault that his co-workers whistled at me and I fell like a moron. "You don't have to stick around."

"Mmhmm," was all he said as I handed the clipboard back to the lady behind the desk.

"Take a seat and the doctor will be with you as soon as possible," she smiled at me and pointed to the rows of chairs to my left.

After helping me to the chairs, Sean stretched out in the chair next to me. "You don't have to stay," I told him. "I'll be fine."

"I'm not going anywhere," he picked up a magazine and started to flip through it. "So save your breath Sunshine."

"Sunshine?" I laughed. "Do I look all bright and cheery to you?"

He lowered the magazine and gave me a once over. "Behind that mask you wear, yes."

"What mask?" I asked but he returned to the magazine, pretending to be wrapped up in it until the nurse came out for me.

As it turned out, I did manage to sprain my ankle. The doctor wrapped it, told me to get some crutches and keep off it.

"Where to now?" Sean asked once we were back in his car. "Are you hungry? I'm starving. Let's go grab a bite to eat down on St Micheal's street."

"No, I just -"

"I hear that the food at the Ember Cafe is really good, let's go there."

Without listening to my protests, Sean turned his car in the direction of St Micheal's and the Ember Cafe. It didn't matter that I wasn't in the mood to go anywhere in public while I attempted to hobble around on the crutches. It didn't matter that I really just wanted to go lie down because my head was starting to hurt. Sean wanted to go eat, so I was stuck going along with him.

"So tell me what happened with Devon." He had just come back from the bathroom where he attempted to clean up a little. He took a sip of his pop and raised a brow. "Did you break up with him? Or the other way around?"

"That's none of your business!" I snapped at him. "I don't want to be here, I'm going to call a cab and -"

"Good Evening, my name is Tracy, I'll be your waitress this evening." A tall blonde, over made up skanky whore hovered next to Sean's arm. "Are you ready to order or did you need a couple more minutes?" She asked Sean, completely ignoring me.

"I'm ready," he smiled at her and proceeded to tell her that he wanted a Philly Cheese steak with fries and gravy. When he was finished he turned to me. "What were you having?"

I rolled my eyes at him before giving the menu one quick glance. "I'll have the Hawaiian burger," I told her as I closed the menu, hoping she would disappear and never come back.

But she did come back, repeatedly. It was difficult to have a conversation with Sean with her always interrupting us to tell some story about people that we didn't even know or care about. Not that I wanted to have a conversation with Sean, well at least not about the subject he wanted to know about - Devon.

"Come on, why don't you want to talk about it?" He asked me when I told him to stop asking or I would kick him in the shin. "I think talking about it will help you get over him."

"I don't need your help to move on Sean, I'm quite capable of doing that on my own. Now," I dropped my napkin onto my empty plate. "Will you please take me home? My head is killing me."

He looked like he was going to protest but he didn't. "Why didn't you tell me you were in pain? Maybe I should take you back to the doctor, they could've missed something."

"No," I grabbed his hand as he started to get up. "I'm fine, I just have a headache, it's not a big deal. I'll go home, go to bed and I'll be good as new tomorrow morning."

He didn't look convinced but he agreed to take me home anyway.

I thought that the night would end and I would finally get a moment to think about everything that happened but when we got to my place there was a surprise waiting for me.

Manhandled!

2007-11-19T08:05:00.001-08:00

It seems that the world is getting even with me for breaking up with Devon the way I did. Now I don't normally believe in karma but after this past week, I'm looking over my shoulder.

Last Tuesday my friend Mia called me to tell me that she wouldn't be able to go because 'something' came up. Since Mia was the one driving and we were going to be staying at her parents cabin in the mountains, that cancelled our trip. I was so upset, I was looking forward to this trip to take my mind of my problems. I wanted to leave the memory of Devon high above the snow covered mountain while I cuddled up with some hot rebound guy for a couple days.

On Wednesday I slept in, arrived at work an hour later and got reamed out by my boss for a half hour about the dedication he expects from his staff and if I wasn't as dedicated as I could be, then I should really look for another job. I almost lost it because up until that day, I was never later, never called in sick.

Thursday was alright, I thought that I was over the bad karma vibe but Friday evening when I was walking downtown to grab something for supper, it changed again.

There had been a fire a couple months ago that ripped through three businesses, it was horrible but no one was hurt. I was walking by the chain linked fence that the construction company hired to rebuild on the site erected when they started the clean up a month ago when I heard wolf whistles and catcalls. I turned to see where it was coming from - a group of construction workers were standing together behind the fence, looking like they were getting ready to go home for the day - when I lost my footing and fell down. Hard. My left foot ended up under me and it hurt so much. I cried.

The only good thing about the whole falling thing? I didn't have to wait too long for someone to come by to help me up - a couple of the construction guys came running over. But I didn't want his help, I wanted to get up and walk away with my head held high.

"Leave me alone, I can do it myself!" I snapped at them and slapped hands away from me. I struggled for a couple minutes, trying to stand but my ankle hurt and my shoes slipped on the sidewalk.

A pair of hands roughly grabbed me around the waist. "For the love of God Janie! Just let me help you!"

The voice made me freeze for a moment before my eyes slowly travelled up the body of the man who held me. "Sean!" I gasped when my eyes met his. "What are you doing here?" But as I asked I clued in that the orange vest he was wearing wasn't a fashion error but a safety choice.

"I work over there," he nodded to the fenced area. "Put your hands on my shoulders," he ordered as he slipped his arms around my waist and pulled me to my feet. "There," he smiled when I was standing with his help. "You should be ok now," he let go of me.

My eyes widened in pain as my weight pressed down on my injured ankle. I grabbed for him as I felt myself start to fall again.

"Whoa!" He caught me, damn near crushing me against his chest in the process. "You hurt yourself."

"No," I lied. "I'm fine. Really." I went to move back from him to show him but it was pointless, my ankle was useless. "Ok," I admitted defeat. "My ankle is killing me, maybe I sprained it?"

"Maybe."

"I should call someone to come get me," I reached for my purse but it wasn't on my arm. "Where...?" It was on the ground where I fell.

"Yeah," he told me. "You should go to the hospital."

"I'll call Amber, she'll -"

"Amber and Reed have plans tonight," he informed me. "What about Devon? He works near here, doesn't he?"

"I don't think he would come running to my rescue."

"Sure he would."

"No," I shook my head. "Not now. We broke up a couple days ago."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that." Funny, he didn't look too sorry. Maybe it was the angle that I was staring at him from but he seemed happy about that news.

"Don't worry though, I'm sure I'll get someone to come for me. If you can help me over to that bus stop, I'll make a call and you can go back to work."

Sean glanced at the bus stop for a moment. "No," he said finally and in one swift motion he scooped me up in his arms. "I'll take you to the doctor."

Curtain Call

2007-11-12T05:25:00.000-08:00

"You are doing it again," Devon's frustration was quickly turning into anger. "What's going on inside that head of yours Janie? You haven't said a word all night?"

"Sorry," I muttered.

"Don't be sorry," he said. "Just tell me what's going on?" He watched me poke at my food for a couple minutes. "If you aren't satisfied with your meal, we can return it and get a new one."

"It's fine Devon," I sighed, poking the mashed potatoes with my fork one more time. "I'm just not very hungry." I could feel his eyes on me, I really didn't want to talk about what was going on, I still wasn't sure what to do about it. Dropping my fork onto my plate, I looked up at him. "Can we just leave? I'm not in the mood to be out tonight."

He hesitated.

"I just want to go home," I repeated. "I'm very tired." Truth of the matter was, I haven't slept that much since I cheated on Devon with Cary. I couldn't sleep, every time I closed my eyes I pictured the smile on Cary's face as he gazed down at me that morning - he looked like he won the lottery. It was that smile that made me pick up the phone numerous times to see what he was doing but I always chickened out in the end. I didn't think I had the right to see him when everything was such a mess in my life.

"Janie!" Devon was giving me a dirty look.

Shaking my head, I tried to figure out what he was upset with. "What?" I looked around, nothing was happening around us.

"Nothing," he snapped as he caught the attention of our waiter. "Let's get out of here."

I wandered out of the restaurant as Devon settled our bill. It was a cold night but I didn't feel the wind through my clothes, I was too preoccupied by my own indecision. I hated it. It wasn't me, I've never been this way before. Growing up, I was always one to make a decision and stick to it, no second guessing, not 'what ifs' or 'buts' or anything. I made up my mind and that was how it was going to be.

But for some reason, this whole thing with Devon has thrown me off balance. I wanted to love him, to be with him but there was something inside me that was telling me it wasn't going to happen. That we wouldn't really be happy together. When I asked that part of me why we wouldn't be happy, I would close my eyes and see Cary's face.

"Let's go," Devon grabbed my arm as he came up along side me, pulling me towards the parking lot where his car was waiting for us.

The drive home was very tense, I could feel him watching me as I stared out the window but he never said anything and neither did I.

"I'll see you later," I jumped out the moment he stopped the car. I wanted to bolt, I didn't want him to come in but he was faster than I thought he would be. He stopped me half way up the walk.

"Janie you have been acting strange all night, tell me what's going on."

"Nothing," I lied. "I just need to be alone right now."

"Why?"

I didn't answer him.

"Come on Janie, tell me why!"

"I don't love you!" I blurted out before I could stop myself.

He stumbled backwards as if I struck him. "Wh - " he shook his head, a small smile on his lips, like he thought I was kidding with him. "What are you talking about?"

"I didn't want to tell you like this," I tried to explain which only seemed to confuse him more. "I thought that I was just going through a weird period - not wanting to see you or talk to you but..." I sighed. "I don't feel like I thought I would Devon, I don't pine for you. I don't miss you when you aren't around. I look for things to do so I don't have to see you."

He stared at me for a while, his jaw twitching under the pressure of this clenched teeth.

"Devon, I'm sorry. I wish I felt differently." I went to reach out to him but he grabbed my wrist, shoving my hand away.

"Don't even think about it," he snarled. "I don't need your pity or your excuses." He spun around and walked away. "Have a nice life you heartless bitch."

I wish I could say that I wanted to go after him but I didn't, I was relieved that he was leaving. The fact that he called me a heartless bitch didn't even faze me.

For that's exactly what I am.

It's been three days since that happened and I still don't feel the least bit sorry, Devon and I were over a long time ago, just neither one of us would really admit it. We tried many times to be a couple but this last time was it.

I have other things to keep me occupied, the biggest event being the trip to the mountains that I have planned for this weekend coming with a group of girls I went to school with.

No End To The Confusion I Feel

2007-11-06T09:24:00.000-08:00

I was talking to Amber last night, I called her before I drove myself crazy. I needed someone to tell me that I was being silly, that things are fine between Devon and me, that it was normal to have moments when you just don't want to be with the guy you were with.

Apparently it's not normal at all.

"Are you talking about just having some time by yourself?" She asked me when I couldn't explain what I meant. "Sure, I like to spend some time doing some thing just for me without Reed or Alexis. But after a while, I just want to go home to be with him or call him to hear his voice."

"You haven't ever gotten there and thought that you would be happy on your own?" I asked hopefully.

"Oh my God! No Janie! I know what life is like without Reed, I don't want any part of that anymore!" She paused before asking what was going on with me. "I thought Devon was being the guy you wanted him to be? Didn't you say he was being more considerate and romantic?"

"Yeah," I sighed.

"Then what's wrong? Why are you asking me if it's normal to not want to see him?"

I shrugged, "I just don't always want to see him."

"Well, like I said some times you do need space to -"

"I'm not talking space Amber! I mean there are times when he calls that I pretend I'm not home or busying doing something so I don't have to talk to him. I've cancelled out of a couple dates just to sit at home and stare at the wall and..."

"And what?" She asked cautiously.

"I did something I shouldn't have," I admitted after a couple minutes of silence. I closed my eyes in preparation for the screaming that would come after I told her, "I went out with Cary last night and woke up with him this morning."

Amber reacted worse than I thought she would, I actually had to hold the phone away from my ear, she was yelling that loudly. She didn't like what I did at all, she didn't think I should be seeing Cary at all after what I did to him with Devon, she thought it was twisted that I would cheat on Devon with Cary when Devon was trying to be everything I wanted him to be.

"What the hell is wrong with you Janie?" She asked finally. "Who are you? The Janie I grew up with would never have done this to her boyfriend."

"Maybe I'm not the same person," I sniffed - yes I'm a baby, I cried when she started to yell at me. "I look at you and Reed, I see how in love you are with him and I really try to be that way with Devon but I just can't. I thought I could if he changed but Amber it hasn't changed, I just can't see forever with him."

Amber groaned, if she was in front of me, I would probably see her lower her head to her hands and pull on her hair as she did that - she always did that. "I'm sorry," I blurted out.

"Why?" She asked. "What are you sorry for Janie? Sleeping with Devon? Sleeping with Cary? Not knowing what the hell you want? What?"

"I'm sorry you are disappointed that I don't see myself with Devon like we both talked about before. I'm sorry that I can't pretend that I'm happy with him. And I'm really sorry if this affects our friendship, I don't want to lose you as a friend over this Amber."

She was quiet for the longest time, I thought she hung up. "Are you there?"

"Yes," she sighed.

"Are you mad?"

"How can I be?" She asked me. "I can't change the fact that you don't feel the way I thought you did about Devon."

"I'm sorry," I repeated.

"Janie, don't. I want you to really think about this before you do anything rash. If you really don't want to be with Devon, you need to tell him before it's too late. If you are just scared because of what happened with your parents, you need to let him know that and figure out what to do about it. If you just want some time, he needs to know. Whatever it is that you decide to do, you need to talk to him."

Talk to him. That's what I'm dreading the most. How can I tell him that who he is right now, isn't who I want to be with after he did this 'change' for me? How do I explain that who he was before wasn't who I wanted to be with either? How do I tell him that I can't think of any reason why I would love him when ever since I met him, I told him I did?

How the hell could I have been so wrong?

Posted In A Hurry

2007-11-04T06:08:00.000-08:00

It seems like forever ago since Devon's attitude towards me changed for the better. He compliments me, he takes me out for romantic evenings - well at least that's what he's trying to do, he isn't really that confident with aspect yet, he makes mistakes and he gets frustrated when things don't go the way he wanted them too but I enjoy every second of it and I tell him that - but the most important thing is, he makes me feel like I matter to him.

He's doing everything I want yet...it doesn't feel right.

I don't know what's wrong. I thought that once he showed me he cared that everything would be ok, we would live happily ever after like Amber and Reed. But Devon is doing everything I wanted him to do and I still feel like something is missing. Am I crazy?

I have to be crazy, there's no other reason for it.

I want to write more but I don't know how to explain what's going on or why I think this way since Amber's halloween party for the kids.

Speaking of the Halloween party, I was surprised to see Chris and Kelly there, I didn't think Reed would've been ok with Chris around Amber but apparently he was the one who invited them. Chris was dressed as a priest and kept telling me to come to confessional some time! He looked hot in all black with the the cross hanging around his neck.

Amber, Reed and Alexis were all adorable in their costumes. I laughed so hard when I saw them, even though Amber told me about it. It was so cute and Alexis' walking around 'baa'ing cracked me up.

Sean showed up dressed as Tarzan. When Reed jokingly asked where his Jane was, he laughed and told him the only Jane there was me and I was with Devon.

Devon was the only one there not dressed in a costume. Devon didn't want to dress up, which really sucked because I wanted him to be a pirate and I would be his wench. He flat out denied me, no discussion or anything. So I went dressed as cat, in a really cool outfit with a bell around my neck for a collar.

For the most part the party was fun...the kids enjoyed themselves a lot and by the looks of it when I left the party, Amber and Reed were on their way to making another little sheep. At least I believe that's what the heated looks they kept giving each other was for!

Come With Me To Paradise

2007-10-24T10:33:00.000-07:00

Tilting my head to the side, I smiled at him as my finger slipped into the fold of the bag he was carrying. "The greatest guy in the world, eh?" He nodded. "That's a huge title," I tugged at the bag playfully. "Are you sure what's in the bag will make me think that?"

He lifted his brow a fraction before leaning down to me. "Well," his breath was warm on my cheek as his scent filled my nostrils, making me shiver in response. "I guess you'll have to let me in to find out."

"Mmm," I lifted my head, my lips brushed against his jaw. "My mom is home."

"You want me to go home?" His tongue flicked against my ear lobe.

"No." Shaking my head softly, I slipped my hand around his. "I want you to prove you are the greatest boyfriend in the world."

"Lead the way."

I turned from him to unlock the door, he came up behind me, his bag carrying hand wrapping its way around me as he brushed my hair back off my neck. The first touch of his lips on my skin sent a shock through out my body, I felt my nipples tighten and a familiar ache between my legs. His touch always got a reaction from me, he also made it hard to think.

"Devon...door..." I managed to mumble.

With the bag carrying hand pressed flat against my abdomen, his other hand engulfed mine, taking the house key from me to unlock the door. "There you go," his lips caressing my neck.

Reluctantly, I moved away from him to open the door. I wanted to get him inside and upstairs before my mom realized that we were home. Mom hates all men since my dad left, I didn't want to have to hear her go on and on about men using you and dumping you when something better came along.

"Come on," I tugged on his hand when he stopped to take his shoes off. "You can take them off upstairs."

He gave me a puzzled look but didn't argue. It didn't matter anyway, mom heard us come in, she called out to me. "Cary called for you," she said as she appeared in the hallway. "He...oh, Devon, I didn't know you were here."

Devon smiled, greeted my mom and asked how she was doing. "I'm alive," she replied. Turning to me she continued on about Cary having called. "He seemed upset when I told him you weren't home, but he didn't leave a message, he just said he would call you later."

"Oh ok," I started to inch towards the stairs, pulling Devon along with me. "We're going upstairs now mom, I'll see you later."

I turned, put one foot on the bottom step and mom called my name again. "This came for you today," she held out an envelope. "It was sitting on the front porch when I opened the door earlier."

"Oh?" I reached for the envelope.

"What do you suppose it is?" Mom asked, "There aren't any marking at all besides your name."

I shrugged. "I don't know mom. I'll open it later."

"Oh Janie!" Mom groaned. "I can't wait that long! I've been dying to know what it was since you've been gone! Come on honey, open it please?"

Devon shrugged when I looked at him. "Go ahead, see what it is."

I was a little nervous as I ripped the envelope open and pulled out the card that was inside. Flipping it over so that I could see the front, I was more puzzled than ever. The picture on the front of the card was of two beach chairs sitting empty on a tropical beach with the sun setting over the water in the distance. The words, 'Wishing for another day in paradise with you', were prewritten above the picture.

"What's wrote on the inside?" Mom tried to grab the card from me.

"Don't," I pulled away from her as I opened up the card. Written inside, in deep red, were the following words;

"What I'd give to run my fingers thru your hair
Touch your lips, to hold you near,
When you say your prayers, try to understand
I've made mistakes, I'm just a man"

My heart was beating so loudly, I thought everyone could hear it. I glanced at Devon, he wasn't even paying attention, he was poking around in the bag.

Mom on the other hand was paying attention. "Oh! Who do you suppose it's from?" She glanced at Devon but shook her head even before the question formed in her mind. "Do you think it's from Cary?" She whispered loudly.

"What?" Devon's head shot up.

"Mom asked if this," I showed him the card. "Was from Cary."

Taking the card from me, he briefly glanced at it before tossing it onto the table mom picked it up off a couple minutes ago. "Too bad if it is," he shrugged. "I'm here with you now, that's all that matters to me."

"Aren't you the least bit concerned that some other guy is sending Janie love notes?"

"I know Janie loves me," was all he said to mom as he nudged me towards the stairs again. "Were we going up?"

"Yes," I gave mom a hug and said good night before heading up stairs with Devon following me closely.

"Now this is paradise," Devon exclaimed, his hand cupping my bum as we walked into my room.

Once inside, he asked me to go sit on my bed and close my eyes. I protested a little but I did as he said.

"I'll be right back," he must've left my room because I heard his footsteps on the stairs as he ran down them.

For a moment, I wondered if he was just going to leave me sitting on my bed like a fool but thankfully I heard him come back before my thought could run too far. "Keep your eyes closed."

Sounds of paper rustling soon filled the air, followed quickly by the sound of the paper bag hitting the floor. "That's not right," Devon muttered. "Janie where do you...nevermind, I know..."

Clinking, soon came and then a curse from Devon. "That's dumb!"

"Devon what are you doing? Do you need help?"

"Ummm, no!" He was at my side long enough to kiss me on the lips. "I got everything under control," he told me. "I just have to move..."

"What are you doing?" I asked again, it sounded like he was moving furniture.

"Nothing," he replied absently.

I sat back against my headboard, wanting so badly to peek but I was afraid that he would catch me and stop whatever he was doing. This was new of us, I didn't want to spoil it.

Five minutes later, I heard my door close and noticed that it seemed darker behind my lids. "Did you just turn off the light?"

"Shhh," he was at my side again. "I just need to do one more thing...keep your eyes closed." One arm slipped around my back as the other slid underneath my knees. "Don't be scared," he told me. "Put your arm around my neck."

Without questioning him, I did as he asked. Slowly, he lifted me from my mattress.

"Where are we going?"

"Over here," he took a couple steps and then lowered me onto a chair. He sat down next to me, he picked up my hand in his, bringing it to his lips. "Open your eyes Janie," he spoke against my hand.

I turned to him before I opened my eyes, and I was glad I did. If I didn't, I wouldn't have seen the uncertainty and the excitement in his eyes.

I realized right away that I was mistaken about where he set me down; it wasn't a chair, he placed me on the window seat. And he did rearrange some furniture, he pulled my make up table from the corner of my room, over to the window. He had cleared off my make up and in its place, among the light of a couple candles, he had opened two take out containers from the club.

It was the most romantic thing he had ever done for me, I started to cry.

"Oh no Janie," he wrapped his arms around me. "This was supposed to make you happy! I'm so sorry. I'll put it all back, I promise."

"No," I gripped his shoulders, sniffling as I pulled back to look him in the eyes. "I love it!" I exclaimed. My hands jumped to cup his face, "It's perfect." Drawing his face near, I softly kissed his lips. "You are perfect."

He chuckled softly, "I don't know about that but..." he motioned to the table, "I hear those are. This one," he picked up the container on the left. "Is Chocolate Mousse Cheesecake with some kind of raspberry sauce. And this one," he put the cheesecake down and picked up the other container. "Is a Chocolate Decadent Torte with some berries and creme sauce ." He returned that one to the table and smiled at me. "I wasn't sure which one you were talking about at the club, so I asked for both of them to go."

He picked up the fork that was resting on a napkin by the containers. "I'm sorry we didn't get to have dessert at the club."

"I'm not," I kissed his cheek. "This is so much better." I eyed both desserts hungrily, I wanted the Torte at the restaurant but now that they were both sitting in front of me, I wasn't so sure anymore. "I can't choose!"

Devon laughed, "That's the beauty of this Janie," he sunk the fork into the cheesecake and lifted it up to my mouth. "You don't have too."

Interruption

2007-10-22T05:11:00.000-07:00

"I'll be right back," Devon stood up, telling me that he was going to the bathroom. "Don't go anywhere."

"I won't," I smiled at him. The night was going a hell of a lot better than I thought it would, I was having a blast, I felt that this was a turning point in our relationship but I was a little weary about it too. How could I not be? Devon hadn't shown me interest before like he did that night. I wondered if it had something to do with Cary or if he was really trying.

He did come to the office, I reminded myself. He never did that before. But he saw the flowers. I sighed. Although, he didn't seem to care too much about them, he didn't get mad like I thought he would.

I hadn't noticed that while I was thinking, someone had walked up to our table and had said hello. It wasn't until a hand touched my shoulder and I jumped that I realized Colin was gazing down at me.

"I didn't mean to scare you," he flashed me a smile. "You seemed really lost in your thoughts. Is everything ok?"

I nodded, "Yeah I was just thinking about something that happened earlier today. How are you doing?"

"I'm doing ok," he glanced around. "I'm waiting for my mom to show up, we have dinner here once a week to catch up on what has been happening."

"Oh?" I frowned, "but don't you work at your mom's daycare? That is what Amber said, wasn't it?"

He laughed, "Yeah, I do until she finds someone to replace Penny."

"Crazy psycho bitch!" I snapped before I could stop myself. My eyes went wide, I covered my mouth. "Sorry," I mumbled.

"Don't worry about it," he reached for my hand, his fingers circling my wrist as he gently pulled it away from my mouth. "Penny was crazy, I tried to look beyond it, even defended her until I found out she was cheating on me and trying to ruin Amber's relationship with Reed."

I closed my eyes, feeling even more stupid for my outburst. "I forgot you were her boyfriend."

"Yeah," he shrugged. "One mistake that I wish I could forget about." His eyes went to the front entrance for a second before coming back to me. "So what are you doing here? Was that Devon I saw walking away from here a couple minutes ago?"

"Yes it was, we are having dinner."

"Oh," he scratched the back of his head. "I thought you had a boyfriend? Amber told me you did."

I smiled, "That would be Devon."

Colin's jaw dropped. "Devon?" He said his name like he thought I was kidding but wasn't sure if he should laugh. I nodded. "Huh?" Whatever he was going to say after that, I don't know. That's when Devon came back.

"Get lost," he snarled at Colin.

"Devon!"

He glanced at me before turning back to Colin. "Stay away from my girlfriend."

"Now that's not very nice Devon," Colin laughed. "I think I told you that before, you didn't listen, why should I?"

"Because," when Devon took a step towards Colin, I jumped up.

"Devon what are you doing?" I managed to get him to back up a little.

"Why are you protecting him?" He demanded.

"I'm not! I just want you to sit down so we can continue with our evening. Colin," I threw a look over my shoulder. "Is leaving."

Neither one of them moved, they were locked in some kind of stupid staring contest. "Devon please?" I begged as my fists gripped his shirt. "We were having such a good time, I don't want anything to ruin that."

Devon looked down at me, his jaw was clenched, his eyes were cold. For a moment there, I thought he was going to push me out of the way and beat the crap out of Colin.

"Ok," he agreed as he relaxed a little.

"Ok," I smiled, turning back to the table. "We were talking about dessert before you had to get up, I was thinking that the cho -"

"No Janie," Devon stopped me from sitting down. "I think we are done here."

I said, "But dessert..." the same time Colin snidely said, "Running out before dessert Devon? Not very gentlemanly of you."

"Don't you have something to do?" Devon glared at Colin, the tension returning to his body.

"Oh forget about it," I grabbed my purse and headed for the door. I heard Devon call out after me but I didn't stop. I retrieved my coat from the coat check and pushed out the door.

"Janie would you..." I didn't hear the rest of what Devon had to say, the door closed behind me.

I knew it would take a couple minutes for him to come outside with me, he had to pay for dinner but when ten minutes had passed by, I started to wonder if he was coming at all.

"Miss are you sure you don't want to sit in the car while you wait?" The valet had brought Devon's car around when I first come out through the door but I refused to get into it. It was idly running in the drive. "It's pretty cold out tonight," he told me. "The dining room staff informed me that your companion will be a couple more minutes."

"Fine," I sighed as I walked over to the car where another valet was holding the door open for me.

Five minutes after I got into the car, Devon finally came out of the club. "Janie I -"

"Just take me home Devon." I couldn't even look at him. Without a word, he did as I asked.

He didn't try to stop me when he pulled up in front of my house and I jumped out. I thought he was just going to drive off but as I walked up the path to the front door, I heard his engine go quiet and a door open and close.

"Thanks for tonight," I turned to him when he came up the steps to stand with me. "For the most part, I had fun."

"You speak like you think the night is over."

"I don't want to fight with you tonight," I told him. "I just want to go to bed."

His eyes lit up as he gave me one of his killer smiles. "That works for me."

"Devon I don't..." he placed a finger over my lips, silencing me.

"I'm hoping that you'll let me in," he informed me. "I don't want tonight to end like this and besides," he lifted his right hand up, showing me the paper carrying bag with the club's name and emblem printed on it. "I went to a lot of trouble to convince the staff at the club that they would be doing me the biggest favor when I asked for this."

I eyed the bag. "What is it?"

"Well, you'll have to let me in to find that out."

"Devon," I tilted my head to the side and gazed up at him. "Why can't you just tell me what it is?"

He gave me a devilish grin. "Ok, it's something that will make you think I'm the greatest guy in the world."

Dinner Club

2007-10-19T09:12:00.000-07:00

I thought it would be better if I separated my posts from Amber's, so that's what I'm going to do. If you haven't read the first 12 posts that I made over there, feel free to jump over and read them all. I might end up re posting them here at a later date.

I wanted to post yesterday about my evening with Devon at the club but I just couldn't find the time.

A couple hours had passed since I had gotten the flowers and I still didn't know what to do about them but I knew I wasn't going to be taking them home with me on the off chance that Devon saw them and got stupid about it.

I thought I was safe leaving them at the office, Devon never visits me at work but what do you know? The one time I don't want him to show up, he comes waltzing through the door, whistling. "Hey there baby," he sauntered up to my desk and rested his bum on the corner, the smile on his face not faltering until he noticed the flowers on my desk. "Yours?" He leaned over to grab the card that was sitting next to them.

I tried to grab the card before he could but my reflexes were slower than I hoped. "Thank you for last night," his brow arched as he lowered the card, his eyes devoid of any emotion as they met mine. "What did you do last night that deserved flowers Janie?"

"I don't know," I grabbed the card from his hand.

"You don't know?" He repeated slowly before asking, "How drunk did you get last night that you don't remember?"

"I didn't get drunk," I snapped. "I don't know why they were sent to me nor do I know who sent them."

He was quiet for a moment. "Are you sure they were for you?"

I never even thought about that. "The delivery guy said they were for me, he said my name." Before I could stop myself, I blurted out. "I thought they were from you."

"Me?" His lip twitched. "Why would you think that? What did you do for me last night that I don't remember?"

I can't even describe how my heart sank. I was holding on to a thin thread of hope that for some crazy reason, he actually did send me the flowers. I wanted him to be the one.

"You're right, that was a crazy thought. You don't have a romantic or thoughtful bone in your body."

He chuckled, "Ah Janie, you know all this negative talk isn't doing you any favors." Picking up the card I had placed back on the desk, he read it again. "Thanks for last night..." he reached across and grabbed the flowers roughly. "I didn't think Cary could afford dinner, let alone something like this."

"Hey!" I glared at him. "Just because Cary isn't rolling in dough, doesn't mean that he can't buy nice things when he wants too. He just has to work hard for his money. There's nothing wrong with working hard Devon."

Instead of saying anything, he shrugged.

"What are you doing here?"

"Ah yes," he put the flowers down. "I wanted to see what your plans were for tonight. Another flower deserving date with Cary maybe?"

"Maybe." I really didn't have any plans.

"Well then," he held out his hand to me as he stood up. "I won't expect to see you around 7 at the club then." His arm slipped around my waist as he pulled me to him. "And I won't stop by your house around twenty to seven to pick you up either."

"There would be no point."

"Good," he smiled. "I'm glad that we agree."

Wait. What?

I wanted to ask him if we were making plans or not but he had released me and was on his way to the door before I could.

"Bye Janie," he waved and then he was gone.

I wasn't about to take chances that evening. I had debated it over and over in my head, I figured that he was doing it again, telling me what we were doing instead of asking. I was on half a mind to make plans and stand him up if he came.

But I didn't. I talked myself in to believing that he was going to be there at 6:40 and he was going to take me to the club for dinner.

And of course, I was right.

"I thought I'd swing by on my way out," he told me when I opened the front door for him at exactly 6:40 - what can I say? the man is normally always on time, I've learnt to be ready because he wasn't that patient when it came to waiting for me to finish getting ready.

"Good timing," I told him. "I was about to head out."

"Oh yeah?" He chuckled. "Were you going some place special?"

I have to say now, this little exchange and the one we had at work was very new to me; Devon never spoke like this ever. I didn't know whether to go along with it or what.

I decided to go along with it, maybe because I was too shocked to do anything else.

"Oh you know," I gave a small shrug. "I was thinking a nice dinner at the club."

"Here," he held out his hand when I retrieved my jacket from the hall closet. "Let me help you with that."

I hesitated briefly before handing over my jacket and turned around. This is so weird! Where the hell is the real Devon? Where's the overbearing, 'my way or the highway' brute that I'm use too? Who is this guy?

"So the club..." I could feel his breath on my neck as he spoke, it was giving me goosebumps! "...it's funny that you should mention it because I was heading there myself."

I turned my head towards the sound of his voice, his lips were just a breath away from my cheek. My 'Were you really?' came out huskier than I anticipated.

"Mmmhmm," the sound came from somewhere deep in his throat. It made me want to say the hell with dinner and go upstairs. "I could give you a ride if you like," his voice was low and seductive, any longer like this and we wouldn't make it to dinner.

I was going to tempt fate, I wasn't going to break away. I've been wanting this from him for a while now. I thought I was dreaming and I didn't want to wake up at all. "I would love that," I purred as I gazed up at him from under my lashes.

Hot, smoldering, that was the look he gave me.

His hands moved at my waist, drawing my jacket close. "We-ll," his voice cracked so he cleared his throat. And then the moment was gone. He backed off. "Let's get going, shall we?"

I wanted to scream and cry. I wanted to tell him he was a bastard for playing with me like that but then he held out his hand and I thought that maybe all wasn't lost. He didn't normally volunteer to hold my hand when we went anywhere.

"Lead the way," I grinned as I slipped my hand into his.

God, it felt so good. His hand wrapped around mine, his thumb softly stroking the back of my hand. The whole walk to his car, I felt like I was floating.

How mess up is that? That having him hold my hand means so much to me?

Dinner was great - well the food was great at least. And Devon was great too - he was paying attention to me and touching me - until he excused himself to the bathroom and came back to find that Colin at our table.